Saturday, 31 January 2009

Eammon Holmes - From Mountain to Mole Hill

Northern Ireland's tallest mountain, Eamonn Holmes, is to join a new Saturday night program, The Feelgood Factor. The program will aim to show people over the age of 18 how to eat healthily and exercise.

For every pound Eamonn sheds, one pound or more of Her Majesty's coinage will be donated to his two nominated charities; Diabetes UK and Northern Ireland Chest, Heart and Stroke.
Crusty would imagine if he manages to reach his ideal weight, both charities should each be able to buy a small island off the coast of Thailand and still have a wealth of money left over to continue the good work they do.

Eamonn hopes that by doing the show he will raise awareness of the connection between Diabetes and being overweight (a very worthy cause, indeed).

If he manages to downsize it would certainly make the viewing public aware that there's been a set behind him all these years.

Good luck to you, Mr. Holmes!

Is the Party Over For Danniiiiiii?

It was late last night and Crusty was sitting in the bar, adjacent to the ballroom, flitting through the cyber pages of the internet on one's laptop.

I had a jug full of Gin, a bowl full of olives, a roaring fire and my usual newsreader nightwear on...all the things a girl needs for a lazy night in.

My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, had retired to his quarters early to watch one of his specialist nature programs on Sky; this time Dirty Vixens - somethings about foxes one would imagine.

Suddenly in the silence of Crusty Hall my fingers landed on something that made me let out a joyous squeal; reports have suggested that Dannnniiiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard's sticking) may be fired from the next series of X-Factor. It would appear Miss Tupperware-face herself is getting on other peoples nerves, as well as Crusty's.

It all hinges on whether the lovely Simon Cowell can find someone suitable to replace her before the next auditions start.

Mr. Cowell, Dame Crusty has cleared her diary and is at your disposal, dear!

President Obama To Talk To Iran

In his ongoing aim to help bring peace and stability to the world, I have heard that President Obama is to begin talks with Iran’s President Och-m’dinnerjacket.

Crusty wishes all the luck in the world to you on that mission, my presidential poppet! (Talk about jumping in at the deep end! )

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Carol Malia - Dame Crusty to become a Godmother?

Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia - queen of evening television news - revealed tonight that she is expecting the pitter-patter of tiny feet!! (and I don't mean Jeff Brown's)

I was so shocked I nearly spat an olive clean across the Grand Piano in the ballroom. Crusty is over the moon for the little darling!

As soon as I heard her make the announcement, I sent word to the Haitian prison where Chu Me's mother is leisurely residing, to see if she could pluck some wool from the sheep passing by the barbed-wire fencing and start knitting some appropriately gorgeous garments in preparation for the new arrival.

I have even found a copy of a knitting pattern, from an old Woman's Weekly, stuffed underneath one of the drinks cabinets, so Crusty may even attempt to knit a little something herself ...ah! ...that was keeping the cabinet level and I can't have valuable gin bottles rattling back to plan A.

From all at Crusty Hall, a hearty congratulations to the happy couple on their fabulous news and if you need maternity cover, I know a stunning little stud-muffin who could stand in for one.

Give A Cow A Name

There was an interesting news story from my little poppet, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs this morning on BBC Breakfast.

Research has shown that if you give a cow a name and treat it like an individual it will produce more milk and be more productive generally.

This has certainly proved the case with Chef’s assistant. Before when I called her the generic name for my staff, You there!, my morning tea was the colour of tar and her breakfast portions would not have even filled Chu Me.

Now that I have halved her salary and call her You there! Ermentrude! (that’s not her name but it is as good a name as any), I have the most perfect cups of tea and she often pours a generous helping of red hot beans over my bangers.

I wonder if my little poppet, Colin, knew there was also a human side to his story?

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

A Sunday Lunch to Remember.

Crusty was invited to a delightful luncheon party on Sunday afternoon at the home of Wing Commander Bertie of Chipmunk Squadron.

It was a very private affair and one of the guests invited was a young expert, called Steven, from the local auctioneers.

Earlier in the day, Bertie had said that he was more than happy for me to bring along something for Steven to have a look at.

At first I was shocked; as a rule, one would not generally take the expensive antiquities and artwork, that fill Crusty Hall, from their natural habitat (you may do that sort of thing in Jesmond, dear, but Crusty is a little more discrete).

Anyhoo… to humour him, while getting dressed, I had a thought of something our expert might like to have a look at.

It was a wonderful afternoon of anecdotes and delicious food and the time flew by; the wine, champagne and Gin flowed free and when we retired to the lounge for coffee, Wing Commander Bertie asked if I’d brought anything along with me.

I whipped out my old pair of jugs and popped them onto the coffee table. There was a gasp as the whole room stared at what was balanced in front of them. I smiled a gin-soaked smile at Steven, “I would imagine you weren’t expecting to see those today, dear!”

He leant forward, with his mouth wide open, and started to move his fingers around their surface, looking closely for any blemishes.

“They…are…m-a-g-n-i-f-i-c-e-n-t!”, he said, “They have the sheen of the finest porcelain.”

He lifted them up to have a quick peek underneath, commenting on their gorgeous finials and - with his mouth watering, said, “Dame Crusty, your jugs are priceless!”

One didn’t expect anything less, dear!

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Caroline Flint - Europe Minister or Vampire?

It was a cold, cold night and Crusty was draped on the sofa in the drawing room, slowly dropping off watching television while, at the same time, being careful not to tip her tumbler to the point of spillage.

Suddenly, I nearly jumped out of my skin as a shrill scream reverberated throughout the room.

I opened my eyes, my heart pounding in my bosom and saw my faithful houseboy, Chu Me, shaking uncontrollably next to the bookshelves with a rather gorgeous scatter cushion pressed to his face.

“Chu Me! What on earth is the matter? You nearly give me a heart attack!” I shouted.

He explained that he was petrified when ever “this film” was on. Dracula’s Bride was the scariest films he had ever seen.

“But this is Question Time, dear, and that’s not Dracula’s bride….that’s Caroline Flint, our Europe Minister.”

It took me some time to reassure him and prove to him who she was and, finally, he relaxed.

Caroline, dear, a pearl of wisdom from a Dame to someone as insignificant as you… when a lady gets to a certain age (and I think you know what I mean) one really should use lighter colourants on one’s hair. Otherwise the colour drains the face … and, poppet ... it would appear your floodgates have been wedged open.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

What is Crusty Worth?

I was taking tea in the conservatory recently, and indulging in a little crumpet with Chu Me, when my bank manager called.

He was rather alarmed at the risks I might face as the British economy gurgled down the plughole of despair.

"Dame Crusty, " he said, " I know you have investments and money located all over the world but in order to protect you, I need to know how much your fortune amounts to."

I was stunned! My crumpet fell to the marble flooring like a pensioner's plate of vol-au-vents as she jumps up to shout "house" at an over 60's bingo night.

Before slamming down the receiver I answered, "Let Crusty just assure you, dear, that my fortune amounts to more than that of Heather Mills put together."

Paris Hilton - Not As She Appears

Heiress to Sunderland's castle, Paris Hilton, has hit out at remarks about the way that people perceive her from her television programs.

Crustettes will no doubt have seen this doyen of celebrityism on recent television trailers, posing in her pink nightie while stroking her Chihuahua as it rests on a scatter cushion.

Paris said, "I am not an airhead!"

Draw comfort from the knowledge that Crusty never thought for one second, that there was air present in a vacuum, dear!

Obama Witnesses the Removal of Bush

Well the world has certainly gone bonkers over the inauguration of President Obama today, has it not my darlings?

Dame Crusty has been listening intently to the coverage on Radio 4 and Today's Jim Knocked-Knees has almost been consumed by the very excitement of the occasion.

I was glued to my radio as I listened to his commentary of events, thoughts and observations, from the beginning of his piece to its end - some 12 hours later.

One had hoped to hear the hunkalicious package of presidential power speak but old Knocked-Knees was having none of it.

Mr Knocked-Knees explained that although today was a celebration, with Afghanistan, Iraq, the economic nose dive into the abyss, terrorism and the removal of all traces of Bush from his drawers, the next few days will be very difficult for Mr. Obama.

In fairness, dear, I think we need to allow him a little longer than Saturday afternoon to achieve world peace.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Celebrity Big Brother - Muttley Buena Walks

It certainly all seems to be kicking off in the Celebrity Big Brother house recently, doesn't it my little Crustettes? Though I do feel Channel 4 has pushed the boundaries of the word celebrity a tad far this time.

Last night the public voted for Tina Malone to leave. Crusty likes Tina - I think she's got balls!

However, that wasn't the last of it because Muttley decided to go too! She had already said that if she wasn't voted off, she would walk (although Crusty is paraphrasing as she's not the most eloquent bean in the tin).

Having one last chat with Big Brother before going, Muttley said,"'s just the contact, of not being around people that I love." (or, indeed, being stuck in a house full of people no one has ever heard of, dear!)

Friday, 16 January 2009

Tilly Lockey - Sports Personalities, Celebrities and Heather Mills Offer Support.

Crusty has just been sitting in the drawing room watching the television and saw a teaser of a program to be shown very soon.

The story is of a gorgeous little poppet, Tilly Lockey, who through illness, had to have her hands amputated when she was very, very young. This program, Crusty feels, will be deeply moving but at the same time uplifting and will be ensuring she remembers to watch it...I urge all my little Crustettes to do the same.

Anyhoo... within the trailer we are told that sports personalities and celebrities have bestowed our little poppet with love, affection and support.

One of those shown in the trailer is Heather Mills, formerly Heather Mills-McCartney - so it was, in fact, sports personalities, celebrities and others.

Crustettes will recall, from recent court publications, that this is the woman who wrote all of The Beatles hits, designed all the Paul McCartney stage sets, gave all her money to charity except that which she kept for herself and - although performing cartwheels on Dancing with the Stars - complained during her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, that he would skip up the stairs to his private jet while leaving her to crawl up with her artificial limb strapped to her back.

Heather says, "Look at me...I can lift my leg in the air!" (just the one, dear?)

Thursday, 15 January 2009

David Milibland - It Was Wrong!

Crusty has never been a great follower of politics, - they're all very creepy, aren't they? They can only seem to say things such as, "let's be clear", " the real question is..." and "Can I still have the 48" plasma TV with cinema surround sound and wall bracket on my expense account and can you record it as a toaster?".

Well, this morning while Chu Me was serving me breakfast in the conservatory, I heard on Radio 4 that David Milibland had said that the war on terriers had been a mistake. I never knew such a cruel war had even been started - don't even think of attacking my pussy!

Mr. Milibland, pictured here describing the length of something (you had Crusty's attention at seven inches, dear!) said that it has only seemed to make matters worse.

One suspects, that on reflection, the other war you are waging against Osama Bin Liner will end up with the same conclusion.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Mark Warr - A Regional Emergency!

My darling Crustettes, as she types this post to her public, you find Dame Crusty a distressed and shattered wreck.

I have learned that my little poppet, Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr, has only 7 weeks …. 7 WEEKS …before he eloquently reads his last news summary on our screens, gives a little sparkle out of the corner of his eye and sashays elegantly out of the Tyne Tees studios for the very last time.

Chu Me has had to arrange for staff to work overtime to mop up the tears that have fallen, like an Indian monsoon, from Crusty’s eyes and onto my beautiful oak flooring. For the first time in my life I have bags under my eyes; Crusty looks like John Prescott with his hands being prized from the edge a buffet table…yes…it really is that bad! (Although, of course, Crusty has still maintained her figure).

The thought that one morning soon, lying in my bed and watching my 28 incher rise before me, I will not be able to see my little Marky on it, fills me with dread. Oh yes, I have the snippets Chu Me has saved for me on my enhanced box, my stunning silk hand-embroidered Mark Warr nightdress (daily wrapped warmly in my towelling Colin Briggs dressing gown) and of course I’ll always have my memories. But this is simply not enough!

This is now a regional emergency!

Dame Crusty sends out a plea to all those Crustettes in power within our television and radio industries to save this little studmuffin and provide him with the work he deserves; serving the people of our region -standing proudly alongside those other pillars of our community Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs and Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia.

ITV, do not tell me you have insufficient funds for a valuable news department then gouge my eyes out with the heel of my Jimmy Choo’s this evening with those tacky tartlets of tailoring, Tranny and Susannah…I think we deserve better, dears, don’t you?

Monday, 12 January 2009

Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson - CONGRATULATIONS!

Dame Crusty would like to offer her heartiest congratulations to the gorgeous Charlotte Church and her equally gorgeous man, Gavin Henson, at the birth of their new son, soon after midnight on Sunday.

The feisty diva and her scrummy hunk managed to be back home in the Vale of Glamorgan when the 7lb 50z baby finally left Church.

I have always had a softspot for this couple; Crusty has long been in awe of the size of Charlotte's bellows and has long admired the way the delicious Gavin handles his balls.

May Charlotte, Gavin, Ruby Megan and the Dexter Lloyd have a life of bliss together.

Diana Vickers - Fan Dragged Away By The Bouncers!

MSN Celebrity blog editor, Colleen, has reported that Diana Vickers-rhymes-with-Knickers was involved in a brawl on stage recently.

It was apparently during a performance of Patience – Take That’s wonderful hit and a particularly poignant song to Crusty as I often need quite a bit of it when dealing with the staff at Crusty Hall.

A 17 year old was dragged away by the bouncers (Ouch!) after he tried to put his arm around the scatty-haired songstress – well hormones at that age, my little Crustettes, can make one lunge for virtually anything!

Diana, shaken by the whole affair, was taken off stage (maybe she should have been dragged away by the bouncers – see how she liked it!) until the “furore had subsided” or until the cheers had ended, I’m unsure which.

There was, apparently, also the sound of heartless boos from members of the crowd, although I was unaware that a party of Crustettes had attended the event – Bless you, dears!

Much to the disappointment of the audience, five minutes later, she returned to the stage to continue murdering this much loved classic in her own windpipe-punctured style.

There was no mention as to whether Eeyore Squiggles was at the event.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Paris Hilton - Don't Believe A Word Of It

Heiress to Sunderland’s castle, Paris Hilton, has revealed in Glamour magazine (what on earth she is doing in that, Crusty has no idea!) that she had read a story telling of how she had been dancing sexily in front of our royal darlings; Prince William and Prince Harry.

The story was apparently untrue.

Paris advised Glamour’s readers not to believe everything they read…I don’t know about that, dear, but Crusty certainly doesn’t believe what she sees each time there’s a photograph of you in front of her.

“Ninety-five percent is bullshit”, she said…yes, dear, and the other 5% is bleached blonde hair and a hat!

Cole v Beckham - WAG's WAR

In a recent interview with Vogue magazine – the one she allegedly stormed out of because she wasn’t receiving enough attention from the stylist – Cheryl y’nailed- it Cole has dug her false nails firmly into the back of Poshtoria Beckham.

This is as a result of the incredible disappearing Cheryl not being contacted by Poshtoria, when it was alleged her husband, Ashley, had been getting more than and cut and blow-dry from a kiss-and-tell hairdresser.

Cheryl reveals to us she was quite shocked as she and Poshtoria have been to the same barbecues! Yes, but I suspect that she, like Crusty, would have thought you were just serving the food, dear.

Always remember, barbecues in the world of celebrity aren’t the same as the ones you have on the council estate back home; it’s an opportunity simply to be gorgeous and offer the odd “mwah, mwah, darling” to those you wish to network with.

It certainly shouldn’t be used as an opportunity to drag an ambassador of our great nation into a world of mucky sleaze and allegation…that is better dealt with in private, dear, behind closed doors.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

To Catch A Mouse

I have recently had a problem with a rodent scurrying around my back passage during the night. I realised there was a problem when I noticed something had been munching on one’s Snickers.

Thankfully, it was identified as a mouse and not a rat. I knew that it couldn’t be the latter; Crusty Hall has never had a problem with rats as one pays one’s taxes - though, I do understand how people less fortunate than Crusty could and do suffer such vermin.

Anyhoo …I asked my faithful houseboy, Chu Me, if he would tend to the problem; Back home - in a land far, far away – his village consider mice a delicacy and often, when one is caught, the whole village will sit around the ceremonial table, with the roasted mouse in the centre and feed themselves on its succulent flesh – one now fully appreciates his love of MacDonalds.

He could never hope to find the tools he would use in his village back home, so a visit to B & Q provided him with two simple traps. After 2 nights he came to me with a look of defeat on his face. He has been unable to catch the offender with the chocolate he had put out as bait.

I walked with him to the invaded passage to see if I, in my humble capacity as a Dame of the British Empire, could assist.

As Chu Me stood in front of me, near to tears, I lowered myself carefully to my knees. After a quick shufty, it dawned on me his balls were far too big and he was never likely to catch this Snicker muncher with anything that size. So we broke them up to a far more suitable size and next morning, I snuck out of my room early and there he was, right in front of me; trap shut and stiff as a board!

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Katie Price Reveals Herself

Love It's intrepid reporter, Amy Brookbanks, has managed to exclusively find out the answer to the question that, one would imagine, no one has been asking; how does Katie Price manage to achieve her all-over tan without a tan line in sight?

The answer, my little Crustettes, is that she sunbathes naked.

Quite frankly, Crusty didn't expect anything else from her! Miss Brookbanks suggests this is only for the brave, however, I can assure her bravery does not enter into it; there's nothing Crusty likes better, in the hot summer months, than to sunbathe naked in the grounds of Crusty Hall with the relaxing sound of gardener chopping away at one's bush.

Even her husband, Peter Andre, practises this method of tanning. Katie reveals," Peter's got a brown willy!"

One would imagine the size of your breasts would indicate, to your husband, which is the back and which is the front, dear, so we will accept your explanation that the sun is the cause of the discolouration.

Cheryl Cole - Size 6 and getting thinner!

Love It magazine has announced that Cheryl y'nailed it Cole is now a size 6 and getting thinner!!

Goodness me! If you lose any more weight you'll disappear!!! ....more lettuce, dear?

Friday, 2 January 2009

Keith Harris & Orville - A Case of Mistaken Identity

I recently came across the photograph, in a glossy, of Keith Harris and Orville on an outing to a lavish restaurant.

....ah.....Chu Me has just pointed to the caption and it is, in fact, Poshtoria and Daisy Beckham.

I thought Orville was looking a little foisty!

It was Daisy's hand being buried in Poshtoria's fur that threw me.

The Sun's Bizarre 2008 Awards Revealed.

The Bizarre Awards were recently announced for 2008 by its Biz Ed (although I’m sure that should be spelt differently).

When I first read about the Bizarre awards, I had expected Best Cake Award and Ugliest Child Award to be handed over by the vicar after the raffle at the church hall, however, apparently it is connected with a column in The Sun newspaper.

Gordon Smart, the aforementioned “Biz Ed” has published the list of winners of these truly internationally coveted awards.

Among the winners, this year, are;

Take That (oooohh, Crusty has come over all moist!); they are now Lords of the Bizarre - and how gorgeous the little darlings looked holding up their gongs.

Lady of the Bizarre is Jo Wood. She, after some research, is the wife of Ronnie Wood, who is a rolling stone (now that is bizarre!). Mr. Smart informs us in a delicate, compassionate manner that Ronnie – the rolling stone – has ran off with a Camden tart! (it is truly the stuff of Fairy Tales…may they be blessed with many muffins). While Ronnie has been eloping with pastry, Jo has been “larging it” (I have no idea what that means and can only think little Gordon is getting on down with his homies but I do hope Mrs Wood doesn’t hurt herself while larging whatever it is she feel needs to be enlarged)

Girls Aloud, miraculously, won the Best Pop Award . This apparently wasn’t just for their recent single, “Something Up My Foo-foo”, but for the full years effort they have put into their music (which I have been informed it is).

The awards do start to go downhill soon after, with the Caner of the Year (Gordy getting down with his homies again) and Shagger of the Year, which went to Russell Brand.

Biz Ed Gordy advises us to shove the BAFTAs, BRITs and GRAMMYs; these gongs are the only awards that matter.

Well quite, dear! who wants to adorn oneself in jewels and Versace, be filmed sashaying up a red carpet into a sumptuous venue for a four course meal to receive a stunning trophy, when one can take the tube to The Sun’s reception and pick up a lovely 10-for-the-price-of-one picture frame with a picture of oneself stuck in it in the guise of a newspaper headline?

Naughty knave Russell Brand apparently did not turn up for his award…heaven only knows what picture would have been inserted in that one!!