Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Carol Malia - Dame Crusty to become a Godmother?

Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia - queen of evening television news - revealed tonight that she is expecting the pitter-patter of tiny feet!! (and I don't mean Jeff Brown's)

I was so shocked I nearly spat an olive clean across the Grand Piano in the ballroom. Crusty is over the moon for the little darling!

As soon as I heard her make the announcement, I sent word to the Haitian prison where Chu Me's mother is leisurely residing, to see if she could pluck some wool from the sheep passing by the barbed-wire fencing and start knitting some appropriately gorgeous garments in preparation for the new arrival.

I have even found a copy of a knitting pattern, from an old Woman's Weekly, stuffed underneath one of the drinks cabinets, so Crusty may even attempt to knit a little something herself ...ah! ...that was keeping the cabinet level and I can't have valuable gin bottles rattling back to plan A.

From all at Crusty Hall, a hearty congratulations to the happy couple on their fabulous news and if you need maternity cover, I know a stunning little stud-muffin who could stand in for one.


  1. Surely Carol is way beyond child-bearing years? She's been on the TV since I was a kitten. I'd phone Norris MrWhirter had he been alive. Then again I could be wrong - I know some fool who thought Bruce Springsteen was dead when in fact he's still wonderfully alive and playing in front of my very eyes in Turin in July.


  2. My Dearest Ophelia,

    My apologies for not replying to you sooner, dear friend, but I have been having my crack filled and wanted to supervise the person doing it to ensure a quality result was achieved; the icy winds have been howling down my back passage at Crusty Hall!

    You seem to be in a state of confusion, dear; the gorgeous Carol is but a mere youngster and I have only this to say...I want you to cast your mind back many, many years, my darling, to a hot and sticky summer afternoon when we had slipped in to a local school, dressed as...well the comparison these days, I suppose, would be like Brittle Spears in her hit song Hit Me Baby One More Time (an invitation if ever there was one!) - to watch an end of term concert. I now have one word to say to you, dear.....Dominic. That slender little studmuffin and his little teddyboy band. [sigh] Crusty was convinced superstardom lay ahead. In fact I remember one felt one's own quiff tighten as soon as I saw him pluck his instrument!

    Anyhoo...from that you will ascertain that Malia stock is of the finest and most precious variety and must be, and will, flourish when ever possible. Bone structure like that does not grow on trees.

    As for your long time idol Brucie, I am delighted to hear his hip replacements have been successful and that he's still managing to travel.

    Your darling Crusty x

  3. She's related to the gorgeous Dominic? Nooooooooooooo!!

    I think I still have his autograph.