Friday, 31 July 2009

South Carolina Man Arrested After Sex With Horse.

One reads some of the strangest things on the interwebular community and none more so that the story on MSN today.

An American man, has been filmed having sex with a horse! (one is assuming it was of the lady variety)

Now, I know what you're thinking, 'those Americans will film anything and no wonder our societies are in such a state' ... but no poppets! This film was not of professional doing but a security film taken by the owner of the abused animal.

Rodell Vereen, 50, from South Carolina was caught for a second time humping the same startled creature. He had previously performed the same act about a year ago. Thankfully a relationship had not had a chance to develop.

Anyhoo, he has now been placed on a sex offenders register and been charged for the offense.

The poor traumatised horse is, I believe, in a stable condition.

A Joke To Exercise the Chuckle Muscles.

One awoke this morning and the weather was glorious! Señor Sol was definitely showering Crusty Hall with rays of his warmth and one felt alive!

Chu Me had clearly been up much earlier and as I sat up to watch my gorgeous little poppet Colin his-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs appear on my 28 incher with his regional update, one could see my faithful houseboy out of the window - by the stables - fussing over his hens and stroking his proud cock.

After Chu Me brought breakfast to my bed chamber, I suggested it would be a wonderful idea to take the Aston for a spin into the village and have a lunchtime snifter at the Badger's Snatch. Now, I do not want my readers to think Crusty is in the habit of frequenting drinking establishments; the Badger's Snatch is a public house steeped in history and is therefore acceptable to be seen there. It has a charm that has been unchanged for many years. Furthermore, since the new owners have taken charge - Fanny and Willy O'Dour - it's popularity has increased significantly and it has now replaced the village hall as the central meeting point for our delightful little community (much to the annoyance of the vicar).

Anyhoo ... around 11.45am Chu Me and I were speeding down the drive on our way to our lunchtime venue. On arrival, Chu Me naturally went to the counter to order our drinks while one sashayed elegantly through to the beer garden detras. It was here that one got quite a start when one saw a Rash; it was Ivor.

The Rash triples (Ida, Ivor and Hedda) run the village charity shop and are forever doing good throughout our community. Ivor Rash has a wicked sense of humour and one always looks forward to him recounting one of his marvellous jokes. Today was no different.

As we joined his two sisters in a shady corner of the beer garden, we popped open the bottle of ice cold Pere Ventura Brut Cava that Chu Me had brought (Fanny always keeps a case on hand for my visits) and awaited Ivor's little gem:

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The rather unintelligent mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque

"There's no charge,"she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'"she says.

"Honestly, madam' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice…so I just switched the heads."

Well! One thought this was knicker-wetingly funny and just had to share it with my poppets.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Dame Crusty - The Agony Aunt Returns.

It has been a while since "agony" has been popped into one's box - refering, of course, to the box of correspondence one receives each day from my faithful housboy, Chu Me.

This week, however, a troubled poppet has written to Crusty seeking advice.

Dear Dame Crusty,

I'm sleeping with the boyfriend of my best friend. She's really in love with him but he's planning on leaving her for me. I really want to stay friends with her but I don't know what she'll do when she finds out.

Chardonnay, Newcastle

Dear Poppet,

Well, you have been the little tramp haven't you? Your urges have got you in quite a pickle but I suspect when your best friend finds out, she'll kill you and you shan't have to worry your tarty little head about it. I hope this helps.


Wayne Rooney Has No Idea!

The wife of non-aesthetically pleasing footballer Wayne Rooney appears to be having a sad old time of it during her pregnancy.

Crustettes will recall one had posted on this very subject before in the distant past.

Somebody had apparently been posing as Mrs Rooney on Twitter and leaking the news that the couple had successfully bred and that a baby was on the way. The two Roonies had their spokesman announce immediately that her twits were false. However, one's mystical powers tingled and one knew that it was only a matter of time before expansion of her mid section would begin.

Anyhoo ... poor Coleen has announced to Closer magazine that, "Wayne has no idea how hard pregnancy is".

He may not know how hard it is now, dear but I'm quite sure he grasped the hardness at some stage during the conception! It was a good night for her and a good night for him.

May all go well and the pitter-patter of studs be upon you soon.

Noel Edmonds Marries New Lady-wife.

Congratulations must be passed on Noel Edmonds' nuptials – the third one to be precise.

Apparently Noel – made famous by his Crinkly Bottom and his glistening chopper – tied the knot with his third lady-wife this week; the beautiful Liz Davies.

The lovers of our scene met across a crowded lip gloss tray in the make-up room of Deal or No Deal and Crusty can almost picture the scene:

Potential Lady-wife: “Oh Noel, won’t you marry me?”

“No deal.”

Potential Lady-wife:
“Marry me, or I’ll make you look your age!”

Noel: “Deal!”

The couple enjoyed a joint Hen and Stag party on Wednesday evening in the grounds of the Lower Slaughter House in the Cotswolds, where fancy dress was the word de jour; the ladies dressed in white bridal gowns and the gorgeous Liz dressed in a nun’s habit (cheeky!). Noel, on the other hand, was attired in a white embroidered Bishop’s gown - complete with mitre – while the other males came as clergymen (one suspects that involves panting, high pitched muffled moaning and rapid signs of the cross)

And so – soon after - their love was officially sealed and they are now planning to spend their lives together as perfect soul mates. Let us hope that our little Noel has opened the right box.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Swine Flu Comes to the Village

The teacher of our village school - Miss Molly Coddle - has heard on BBC Breakfast news this morning that it is children who will be passing the current plague of Swine Flu to all and sundry. (One almost wishes the 4-5-6 in the recent Torchwood series had taken the little incubi of disease, then we wouldn’t have to worry).

The children are Super-carriers! (well they have to be good at something)

As a result she has taken the necessary precautions to protect herself - though one would suggest she has gone a little far with the contamination suit and oxygen tank.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Helping Those In Need.

I took a gentle saunter,
Along the cliffs last night,
When I came across a gentleman,
He gave me quite a fright.

I thought I was alone up there,
Just me and a star-filled sky,
Until I saw his silhouette
Out of the corner of my eye.

He was standing very near the edge,
Motionless and looking down
And as I sashayed to the side of him
I made out his troubled frown.

As the lighthouse, not so far away
Did its duty and proudly flashed,
The angry waves beneath us,
Against the jagged rocks, they crashed.

“Goodness, poppet, what’s on your mind?
You’re risking life and limb!
You’re standing too close to the edge of the cliff
And the ground here’s very thin.”

It was then there was a reaction
- And much to my surprise -
He turned his head toward me,
With sad, tear-sodden eyes.

Then he poured his heart out to me
-It must have been an hour -
His divorce … the child with ASBOs
And his lack of pulling power.

The car he’d had for just a month,
That had now been repossessed …
(One was beginning to wish one hadn’t asked
As I too, was becoming depressed.)

…The job he had excelled at,
Now gone … he was on the dole,
His entire life oh so meaningless,
Disappearing down life’s plughole.

After one heard the poor man’s problems,
One didn’t know what to say.
So, instead I smiled … gave him a gentle push
And helped him on his way.


Friday, 17 July 2009

Brittle Spears - Her True Voice?

Crusty’s chuckle-muscle was exercised recently by some information passed to one by one of my Facebook chums. The information came by way of a video extract and claimed to be a sound technician’s secret recording of pop pile-up Brittle Spears while she was performing at recent concerts.

While Brittle clops around the stage with a gyratory lower abdominal expanse, the crowd hear pitch perfect melodies and enjoy the show. However, it would appear the poor dears who manage the sound back stage have to suffer a far more distressing evening.

Such vital information should have been dispersed to my loyal Crustettes as a matter of urgency – one must apologise for the delay in one’s report – but one has only stopped laughing since returning from Count Everard’s.

The question is, of course, are the suggestions that Brittle sings like a donkey with the pitch of a medieval harpy real?

Well, Crusty is certainly convinced there’s been no tommery-jiggery-pokery involved, however, ultimately it is for my poppets to decide for themselves. One thing Crusty knows is that by the time she comes to sing Hit Me Baby One More Time one thought, "there's never a frying pan around when one needs one".

Please click on the picture of dearest Brittle above, to study the evidence ... oh dear, I've just started giggling again.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Torchwood - Captain Jack's Back!

Crusty is a loyal fan of the glorious Torchwood from Aunty Beeb; one always feels it has slightly more hair on its cojones than its sister show Dr Who - though both are equally brilliant.

In the last series, one was in floods of tears as two valiant members of the Torchwood team died after a heroic battle to save earth. I was desperate to see the remainder of the team on one's screen, so I could be sure they were all bearing up after such tragedies.

Well, this week saw the return of our magnificent British masterpiece and this time in a 5 part story, over consecutive nights. A story about the mysterious 4-5-6 (possibly similar to the horrors of 3-2-1 but without Dusty Bin ... and Ted Rogers); The story planted its roots in the ground by children all over the world shouting in unison, "We are coming; we are coming!". I have to say it made one feel a little uncomfortable hearing that sort of thing from ones so young, until I realised that all children are evil anyway, so continued to watch.

Anyhoo .... last night, Crusty fell off the end of her chaise! At the end of our first episode we heard all the alarm bells go off when our dashing hero, Captain Jack (John sizzles Barrowman) held Gwen's hand as she searched for comfort after discovering she was pregnant. It was at this point that Jack realised there was something of considerable size inside him too. Government assassins had slipped it in him while he was unconscious and now it was about to explode. As Gwen and Ianto ran for their lives, the device went off and Torchwood was gone ... or was it?

Tonight's gripping follow up showed Captain Jack's severed hand sticking elegantly out of the resulting rubble (honestly! Even when he's in pieces he's still trying to cop a feel of passing tottie!). The enemy de jour picked up all the pieces of Jack they could find and carried him off to their headquarters in a plastic sack. By this time I was inconsolable; how would poor Ianto and Gwen save the day without our immortal love god.
I needn't have worried; back at the lair of the Government's assassins, I squealed with delight when I saw the CCTV image from his cell showing Captain Jack's sack starting to stir and the saggy sections inflate to semi plumptiouness. He was alive!! Our baddies realised the same thing and my theory of life was confirmed when a soldier entered the cell and pulled down Jack's zip. The guey mess inside wasn't particularly pleasing to the eye but at least there was growth occurring. Crusty Hall was shook by one's screams of delight.

Then - later - one's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets and one had a slight spillage when the security screen in the baddies lair showed our hero chained to his bed NAKED!!! Yes ... completely and totally in the nuddy! His finely toned, well proportioned, velvety soft frame writhed from side to side as he tried to escape his shackles. Naturally, one's eyes were drawn to his downstairs area and frustration grew as the graphics on the screen had conveniently put an "X" over his sacred spot. All Crusty could cry to her inner self was "X? X? W-h-y?!!"

Only freeze framing my Sky+ and getting right up to the screen with a powerful magnifying glass helped. It was then that I made a mental note to oneself; The next time John Barrowman and his lovely husband are in the Newcastle area and come to stay at Crusty Hall, I'll need to give them a much bigger room ... if you catch my drift, poppets?

Then ... and Crusty doesn't normally use such language, but ... the bitch ... who "killed him", poured concrete into his prison cell and all over him to lock him in a solid tomb. Fortunately Gwen and the long suffering Rhys arrived on the scene. Through a miscalculation or misfortune things went wrong and just as both were about to be shot, Ianto turned up to pull Jack's concrete box out into the open, allowing our two love birds to run to their saviour and escape via a clearly very fast digger - concrete block still firmly attached to the front.

It was not until Ianto had the foresight to get Gwen and Rhys into the safety of a waiting car, that he dropped his load over the edge of a quarry and our timeless hunk was released from his concrete prison. As he rose from the shattered pieces, all one could see was Mr Barrowman's delightfully pert buttocks, jiggling about on my 32 incher. They were so magnificent that I have instructed Chu Me to be creative in his workshop and copy the design for the airbags in the main fleet of vehicles; GUSSET 1, GUSSET 2 and GUSSET 3.
Dangerous, I know; one would almost feel the urge to have an accident if one was slamming oneself face first into such cushioned buttockplumtiousness ... but what a way to go!!
Needless to say, Crusty is hooked and cannot wait for the third instalment.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Good Bye Mrs Slocombe - A Legend Leaves Us

July 1922 - July 2009

Jeff Goldblum - He's Alive!!

Apparently, there have been rumours circulating recently that Hollywood heart-throb Jeff Goldblum has died.

What with Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, I heard of these rumours and thought, “Goodness me! They’re all dropping like flies over there!”

Coincidentally, that very analogy reminds Crusty of the time she went to the opening of Goldblum’s Fly

What one’s eyes saw that night was magnificent; not too long, had twists here and there and was beautifully cut. Naturally, one recoiled back in horror when the scaly bits started to show though I suspect that would be a normal reaction for anyone. Yet, Crusty felt utter compassion when one saw Goldblum’s monster hanging in the bedroom – slimy mucus oozing out of it; one felt the urge to hold the beast, stroke it’s head and just let it know it was loved before the inevitable climax.

Anyhoo … I am pleased to be able to tell my Crustettes that one has received accurate information via the Twitterverse that our Independence Day hunk is still very much ALIVE!!