My darling Crustettes, as she types this post to her public, you find Dame Crusty a distressed and shattered wreck.I have learned that my little poppet, Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr, has only 7 weeks …. 7 WEEKS …before he eloquently reads his last news summary on our screens, gives a little sparkle out of the corner of his eye and sashays elegantly out of the Tyne Tees studios for the very last time.
Chu Me has had to arrange for staff to work overtime to mop up the tears that have fallen, like an Indian monsoon, from Crusty’s eyes and onto my beautiful oak flooring. For the first time in my life I have bags under my eyes; Crusty looks like John Prescott with his hands being prized from the edge a buffet table…yes…it really is that bad! (Although, of course, Crusty has still maintained her figure).
The thought that one morning soon, lying in my bed and watching my 28 incher rise before me, I will not be able to see my little Marky on it, fills me with dread. Oh yes, I have the snippets Chu Me has saved for me on my enhanced box, my stunning silk hand-embroidered Mark Warr nightdress (daily wrapped warmly in my towelling Colin Briggs dressing gown) and of course I’ll always have my memories. But this is simply not enough!
This is now a regional emergency!
Dame Crusty sends out a plea to all those Crustettes in power within our television and radio industries to save this little studmuffin and provide him with the work he deserves; serving the people of our region -standing proudly alongside those other pillars of our community Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs and Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia.
ITV, do not tell me you have insufficient funds for a valuable news department then gouge my eyes out with the heel of my Jimmy Choo’s this evening with those tacky tartlets of tailoring, Tranny and Susannah…I think we deserve better, dears, don’t you?
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Whilst I can appreciate the attraction in a purely aesthetic (though plastic) way - you have to admit....he's a shite presenter.
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My Dear Ophelia,
ReplyDeleteI suspect you keg of Diamond White has ran dry, my darling, and this is the reason for your harsh words. If you can manage to sustain yourself on some Listerine and soda in the meantime, I will arrange for Chu Me to send over a replacement keg in the Bentley.
My little Marky is both gorgeous - aesthetically but also equally gorgeous deep within his inner being - and professional and I shall not hear another bad word against him!
In fact, since his sickening treatment in the Tyne Tees News Team Massacre, I am looking to adopt him as my own. Should you continue in this vein, you shall not be invited for crumpet.
My apologies dear Dame - I was judging on a purely passing knowledge of his presenting skills as I'm loath to watch regional TV at all. I'm sure he's wonderful - or was.
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