Showing posts with label Carol Malia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carol Malia. Show all posts

Sunday, 28 March 2010

The Queen of Regional News Returns.

Walking past the breakfast room this morning, one heard a strange noise which aroused one’s curiosity.

Pushing the door open slowly, in case anyone unsavoury had violated one’s inner sanctum, one found Crotchet rubbing the sides of his face against the side of the television in the corner. He was purring furiously and his tail was quivering as he conducted his rubbing ritual.

“Crotchet dear!” One shouted, “What on earth are you doing? Stop that at once!”

He immediately, jumped down from the table but weaved and turned frantically below it.

“What’s the matter, dear? Tell mummy.”

He sat and fixed his gaze upon the screen, which was showing some piece of Sunday nonsense. Well it couldn’t be that; the few minutes one saw were as absorbing as one of the vicar’s sermons. Picking up the remote one remembered the wonders of Sky+ and rewound the channel. It was then that all became clear.

The queen of North East evening news (and one suspects national news also … but you can’t have her), Her Serene Highness Carol Malia, is returning to our screens after her time off to give birth to her delicious baby daughter, Anna Margaret. One squealed with joy and lifting Crotchet into one’s arms. We danced around the breakfast table in celebration.


As a distant fairy godmother, one has arranged for the Doctor Christian Room to be cleaned thoroughly, then sealed until tomorrow evening. A bottle of Pere Ventura is being chilled and Chef has promised a delicious selection of nibbles so Chu Me and I can savour every minute of her return.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Carol Malia - The Bundle of Joy is Delivered.


Crusty was delighted this evening to discover that the North East of England's jewel in the crown, Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia, has given birth to an absolutely gorgeous baby girl; Anna Margaret.

Juicy Jeff Brown shared a wonderful picture with the region - complete with soft cloudy edging - of the elated parents with their 7lb 5oz new addition. At first, I thought the cloudiness was due to over indulging on the gin, but Chu Me confirmed it was a photographic affect.

One never knew that our poppet was married to such a studmuffin; the lovely Gary! One thing is for sure with two parents genetically laden with such gorgeousness, little Anna will certainly grow up to be a beautiful individual and be talented beyond all her parents hopes and aspirations.

My faitfhful houseboy, Chu Me, has sent word to his mother in her Haitian prison cell. She is disappointed that she was not able to knit some luxurious baby clothes as planned but after "the incident" it became impossible. Instead, last night, there was rejoicing from all corners of her institution with ticker-tape flying everywhere. At first, the guards thought there was a riot until they were informed of the joyous news and realised it was merely a celebration and, naturally, joined in.

Crusty wishes Carol and Gary and wonderful future with their little angelic addition. She will always have a fairy Godmother looking out for her.

Friday, 22 May 2009

Au Revoir Carol Malia - 8 months and counting!

I have no shame in making public the fact that Crusty was distraught this evening as BBC North East's priceless jewel, Carol Malia, give her last bulletin before going on maternity leave. The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I watch her presented with a boquet of flowers from Jeff Brown.

Crusty's life has been disjointed since her gorgeous poppet Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr was so brutally made redundant from GMTV regional news. The channel has now been left with an empty void in the mornings....and she's tried her best but really isn't worth watching. As a result, I have transferred 100% loyalty to BBC North East and Cumbria. With out MW you really cannot find better than Lady Carol of Malia and the George Clooney of breakfast news, Colin His-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs and the team.

Anyhoo.....Carol has looked radiant over recent months while she draws closer to becoming a mother. I had hoped that Chu Me's own mother would have had time to knit some baby clothes, while residing at the Haitian government's pleasure but unfortunately there's been an "incident" and all sharp items have been confiscated.

In my dreams I had wished the executives of our regional television would have envisaged the Utopian ideal of having Colin stand in for Carol and employing my poppet, Mark Warr, for the breakfast slot but sadly they must not crave the same things Crusty does.

Crusty wishes Carol and her husband well and the sentiment is echoed by all at Crusty Hall.

Friday, 6 March 2009

Cheryl - On Her Way Down

Crusty was enjoying her evening local news broadcast from the gorgeous Carol Malia when an olive from her early evening Martini stuck in the back of her throat; My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, had to race to my aid and perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

There, in front of me, Carol was being forced - for the purposes of charity of course - to speak to Cheryl y'-nailed-it Cole.

The Geordie stick insect has been participating in the celebrity climb of Kilimanjaro, while her husband, back home, consumes copious quantities of alcohol in her absence (although I would have expected him to be downing a skinful when Cheryl was at home). But the nauseating little couture calamity has been suffering from altitude sickness; this has included projectile vomiting.

Crusty can empathise with her; she suffers the same reaction when she's on the third floor of Crusty Hall and sees Cheryl's pictures splattered across the gossip magazines.

Anyhoo ... I have thought long and hard on the best course of action to help this "pop singer" reach base camp as quickly as possible to seek medical attention... Crusty would recommend finding a ledge and applying a gentle push between her shoulder blades.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Carol Malia - Dame Crusty to become a Godmother?



Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia - queen of evening television news - revealed tonight that she is expecting the pitter-patter of tiny feet!! (and I don't mean Jeff Brown's)

I was so shocked I nearly spat an olive clean across the Grand Piano in the ballroom. Crusty is over the moon for the little darling!

As soon as I heard her make the announcement, I sent word to the Haitian prison where Chu Me's mother is leisurely residing, to see if she could pluck some wool from the sheep passing by the barbed-wire fencing and start knitting some appropriately gorgeous garments in preparation for the new arrival.

I have even found a copy of a knitting pattern, from an old Woman's Weekly, stuffed underneath one of the drinks cabinets, so Crusty may even attempt to knit a little something herself ...ah! ...that was keeping the cabinet level and I can't have valuable gin bottles rattling about...so back to plan A.

From all at Crusty Hall, a hearty congratulations to the happy couple on their fabulous news and if you need maternity cover, I know a stunning little stud-muffin who could stand in for one.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Mark Warr - A Regional Emergency!

My darling Crustettes, as she types this post to her public, you find Dame Crusty a distressed and shattered wreck.

I have learned that my little poppet, Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr, has only 7 weeks …. 7 WEEKS …before he eloquently reads his last news summary on our screens, gives a little sparkle out of the corner of his eye and sashays elegantly out of the Tyne Tees studios for the very last time.

Chu Me has had to arrange for staff to work overtime to mop up the tears that have fallen, like an Indian monsoon, from Crusty’s eyes and onto my beautiful oak flooring. For the first time in my life I have bags under my eyes; Crusty looks like John Prescott with his hands being prized from the edge a buffet table…yes…it really is that bad! (Although, of course, Crusty has still maintained her figure).

The thought that one morning soon, lying in my bed and watching my 28 incher rise before me, I will not be able to see my little Marky on it, fills me with dread. Oh yes, I have the snippets Chu Me has saved for me on my enhanced box, my stunning silk hand-embroidered Mark Warr nightdress (daily wrapped warmly in my towelling Colin Briggs dressing gown) and of course I’ll always have my memories. But this is simply not enough!

This is now a regional emergency!

Dame Crusty sends out a plea to all those Crustettes in power within our television and radio industries to save this little studmuffin and provide him with the work he deserves; serving the people of our region -standing proudly alongside those other pillars of our community Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs and Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia.

ITV, do not tell me you have insufficient funds for a valuable news department then gouge my eyes out with the heel of my Jimmy Choo’s this evening with those tacky tartlets of tailoring, Tranny and Susannah…I think we deserve better, dears, don’t you?