Diana Vickers - Fan Dragged Away By The Bouncers!

MSN Celebrity blog editor, Colleen, has reported that Diana Vickers-rhymes-with-Knickers was involved in a brawl on stage recently.

It was apparently during a performance of Patience – Take That’s wonderful hit and a particularly poignant song to Crusty as I often need quite a bit of it when dealing with the staff at Crusty Hall.

A 17 year old was dragged away by the bouncers (Ouch!) after he tried to put his arm around the scatty-haired songstress – well hormones at that age, my little Crustettes, can make one lunge for virtually anything!

Diana, shaken by the whole affair, was taken off stage (maybe she should have been dragged away by the bouncers – see how she liked it!) until the “furore had subsided” or until the cheers had ended, I’m unsure which.

There was, apparently, also the sound of heartless boos from members of the crowd, although I was unaware that a party of Crustettes had attended the event – Bless you, dears!

Much to the disappointment of the audience, five minutes later, she returned to the stage to continue murdering this much loved classic in her own windpipe-punctured style.

There was no mention as to whether Eeyore Squiggles was at the event.

Alexandra Burke - A Star is Born

Well I don't know about anyone else, but I was glued ...GLUED to my chaise-lounge last night as I watched the X-factor final.

Crustettes will have realised a long time ago that I was not particularly enamoured by Eeyore Squiggles and I had prayed all week, while performing my public duties, that the British public would not let me down and vote for him because he was, allegedly, cutsie-wutsie in a granny-adoring-her-grandson-kind-of-way. His mediocre, Karaoke-influenced style on the songs he chose was pretty piss-poor, especially when he sang that "American Classic" from a few weeks ago; you remember, the classic from High School Musical.

In this final week, the contestants went home one last time before the result and Eeyore, in particular, was overwhelmed. There were crowds following him everywhere he went and thousands were crammed into the street outside his house. Crusty was convinced it was a happy occasion - she didn't see a single person wearing a balaclava.

Eeyore told us in his sweet little accent "I couldn't believe it! There were girls crying when I went on the stage"; Crusty can empathise with them, dear, each week you have been on, I too have been in tears...and screaming at Chu Me, "Make him stop! Make him Stop!"

JLS have now fully grown and their harmonies were nipple-tweakingly superb and when those little hotties were molesting us with their eyes as they sang Last Christmas, I couldn't help but rip my blouse open and expose my cleavage to the screen. By the end of the competition, I think poor little Aston was simply exhausted; I just wanted to clutch him to my ample bosom and breastfeed him all night.

I do feel, however, that poor JLS and Eeyore got the short end of the stick with their famous guests; Westlife and Boyzone. Compared to Beyoncé for Alexandra? Behind the scenes the poor boys must have been thinking, "Shit! She's got a legend and we've got frikkin' Chaz and Dave!"

Which neatly brings me on to Her Serene Highness Alexandra Burke....What a star!! Every single song performed to perfection and the duet with Beyoncé ...well ... I cannot find the words; my jaw dropped open, my eyes were out on stalks, my downstairs area was moist and quivering with excitement and I nearly dropped my Gin.

No matter what happens now both Alexandra and JLS have incredible futures mapped out in front of them and when they have earned sufficient money - an amount I deem acceptable - they will always be welcome to enter my humble Crusty Hall should they be passing.

As for Diana-Vickers-rhymes-with-knickers and Eeyore Squiggles ... I believe MacDonalds are on a recruitment drive ... a Big Mac and small fries for Chu Me, please!