One Wants Colin Briggs - One Gets A Banana!

I was munching on Chu Me’s deliciously succulent eggs this morning and I turned on my 28 incher in the bedroom waiting for my daily injection of news.

As I looked down to smother a soldier in Chu Me’s golden creamy yolks I heard, “ …here's the news from your region”; I felt a quiver of excitement as I waited for the George Clooney of breakfast news, Colin ­his-twinkle-makes-y’tingle Briggs (Last night, the North East was privileged enough to have him presenting the evening news. I swear he looked as if he’d just walked off an Armani fashion shoot and into the BBC studios!)

Anyhoo …when I heard a high pitched whine, saw the remainder of my breakfast shrivel up to nothing and saw Crotchet roll onto his back, cover his ears with his paws and hiss, I realised I had accidentally switched to ITV and not the BBC.

When I looked up - while frantically trying to get my finger upon the number “1” button - I caught a brief glimpse of Helen Peengpong(or some such fancy) clad in an eye-scorching yellow summer frock.

Really, dears, when I want to be brought up to date with my beloved region’s news, one doesn’t want to hear it from a giant squeaking banana with a squint!

Thankfully, Armani Briggs was at hand 20 minutes later to soothe my burning retinas... he's marvellous!

Warr-iors Unite on Facebook Campaign - Britain Needs You!

I was scanning the pages of the wonderful Facebook community when I came across one young man who - like Dame Crusty - was fighting for the return to our screens of Crusty's favourite piece of breakfast crumpet; the delicious Mark Warr. Of course, I joined the group immediately.

The lusciously green, delicately perfumed and water-plentiful forest of life seems to have transformed into a stinking, arid desert of cat litter since he was - once again - ripped from our screens and replaced by that dreadful man-made fibre attired, eyelash flapping-electricity generating harpy, Helen Peengpoo (or some such fancy).

I beg of all my international Crustettes to join this noble cause on Facebook. Let us blast the membership figures of the We DEMAND Mark Warr Back On GMTV Regional News group and get our poppet put back in his rightful place.

For my international followers and those in Queen Elizabeth's realm who aren't fortunate enough to live in the North East of England, you may not have seen him. Sufficed to say, if I were to use the terms gorgeous, professional, eloquent, soothing, sexy, Brad Pitt of News, focused, knicker-wettingly captivating I think you will see what I mean.

Young Daniel, the creator of this campaign, is looking to obtain 500 members by the end of May, however, I think we may be able to do a little better than that, don't you?

Those fabulous Ghurkers have campaigned and won, now we Warriors must do the same...let the battle commence!

Crusty - Devastated Once More!

Crustettes will know that one is currently enjoying a short break away in Valencia, at Crusty Towers, with my faithful houseboy, Chu Me. It is very sad that one’s time here is drawing to an end but Crusty can never tire of returning to her beloved Crusty Hall.

This morning, very early (I like to keep the staff on their toes), I telephoned the household to ensure preparations were being made for my return. A member of the staff informed me all would be ready and the Bentley would be waiting to collect Crusty and Chu Me from Newcastle International on our arrival.

I attempted to catch the girl out by confirming all news reports from my poppet, Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr had been recorded on Sky Plus but as the girl tried to answer (forgive me, I don’t know her name – one can’t remember them all!) there was a horrrrreeennnnndddrrrrrous howling in the backround.

“What on earth is going on?!" I yelled, "I hope my Hall is not being used for an S & M club?!”

“No, Mistress,” she replied, “that horrible woman you dislike is back doing the GMTV North East bulletins! Her voice has set off all the dogs in the village.”

The poor dear seemed petrified as she broke this news to me.

“SHE IS WHAT???!!!!” I exclaimed. “Cancel ALL recordings she is involved in, Crusty does not want to see that face splattered over her 28 incher!”

I immediately slammed down the telephone and called one of my contacts via international Gusset-phone to ensure I was not being toyed with – like a kitten plays with a ball of string.

It was true! My levels of devastation were incalculable and even throwing an empty Cava bottle from the balcony of my eighth floor penthouse and hitting a tramp beautifully on the back of head as he rooted through the bins next to Torres de Quart made Crusty feel any better.

One doesn’t know what those in power at Tyne Tees are trying to prove in this perverse game they are playing; teasing us with my poppet and his glorious news delivery and those eyes – like cool, deep pools of tranquillity, placed artistically on a landscape of gorgeousness - for a couple of weeks, then thrusting the dagger of the squinty, eyelash flapping, canine vocal qualities of Helen PeengPong (or some such fancy) upon the North East of England and Border regions (Mariah Scary can hit a high C?… you want to listen to GMTV North East new bulletins, dear, this one can bring an aircraft down with the morning headline!)

Though my fury and devastation are immense and I am feeling vibrations of anger in places I didn't know existed, I must rejoice and take solace in the fact that I am still able to take my little Marky aurally for three hours on a Sunday afternoon or during the early hours of the morning, depending on the slot those clever executives at Smooth Radio give him.

Tyne Tees Border Presenter to Bring Power.

Crusty accidentally turned on her television this morning, while having morning tea and crumpet, to catch a brief sight of darling Mark Warr's replacement, Helen PeeOn (or some such fancy).

In a misguided attempt to distance herself from her uncanny resemblance to Nana Mouskouri, she has removed her spectacles. Not a good idea, dear, you now look like an Irish Wolfhound with conjunctivitis!

One presumes that contact lenses have been installed to compensate for the missing glassware as the fluttering of eyelashes in the brief minute I saw her was incredible .. and, in fairness, more than a little off putting.

This afternoon, I wrote to a major electricity company to ask them to attached wiring to both her eyelashes. I am confident that in just one morning bulletin she could produce a years worth of power to Newcastle city centre.

Consider it Dame Crusty's bit for global warming.

Nana Mouskouri Does GMTV Local News?!

My darling Crustettes, as your mistress sits in her beautifully decorated private office, she feels she needs to share her thoughts with those she loves.

Yesterday I arose around 7.01 in the morning. I brought my 28 incher to life and enjoyed a spattering of BBC Breakfast before my hand, as a matter of instinct, picked up the remote and switched the channel to GMTV (the set colours of which remind one of a children's nursery, although that explains the way they talk to their viewers). Anyhoo ... my hand action was occurring at the very time of the morning when my little Marky would normally appear in front of me and get to work giving me the low down on the region I love best.

Though I was thinking "No! No!", I could hear my inner voice slurring, "it might not be that bad. " and I braced myself for our local bulletin; I was still praying that at the eleventh hour a reprieve had been granted and I could see my gorgeous, tanned, shimmering Adonis greeting me with his, "Hello...Good Morning."

Instead, I was shocked to see a rather pale and knackered looking Nana Mouskouri sitting in front of a sunny, blue, cloudyesque back drop (one imagines taken from the 70s section of the archive department); her hair not the vibrant example of bounce we know and love but lank and seemingly set not in a cloud of hairspray but, evidently, with a gentle application of Fry Light. Then several seconds later, I was shocked and relieved to find it wasn't the lovely Nana but, in fact, a girl called Helen Peedon or some such fancy.

I could not watch any longer; after only 32½ seconds I screamed and threw the remote at Chu Me, who had just entered for my breakfast order. He kindly turned the channel back to little Billy Turnbull.

I shall NEVER watch that pile of poo again and I can only pray my loyal Crustettes do not inflict this unnecessary suffering on themselves; be enveloped in the warmth of Colin his-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs until Mark returns to our screens and then we can enjoy both and balance will be restored.

Au Revoir Mark Warr

Crusty is festooned in black lace, her face shrouded by a black veil, and all members of the staff at Crusty Hall are donning black arm bands in mourning at the loss of the gorgeous Mark Warr from Tyne Tees Television. He was finally made redundant today, 24th February 2009.

Mark, as my loyal Crustettes will know, was viciously made redundant from Tyne Tees news department by an executive who misguidedly thought he/she was capable of making an objective decision during the recent ITV downsize.

How wrong they were … and heaven only knows what waste-of-space we are to endure in his place or what strange non-native accent we will be subjected to. I for one will never know as I shall not be watching.

My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, sensed that his mistress has been slipping into an abyss of despair over the last week and instructed a young staff member from the laundry room to stay with me while he was busy tending to the efficient running of my Hall.

Last night, as I felt listless and thought my depression could not sink any lower, I staggered up the stone staircase of the tower on the east wing, my young companion in tow, and stood at the summit waling and snivelling, trying to swallow my Gin without choking as I gasped at the air for my next breath. As I stood their looking at the sheer drop beneath me, there was only one thing I could do to try to relieve the pain……so I pushed my chaperone off the edge and as I heard her screams disappearing beneath me I realised it didn’t make me feel any better at all!

I returned to my private office alone and wrote my own little homage to my early morning studmuffin. A sentimental piece of private poetry that was emailed to him in time for his last two bulletins.

I’m quite sure he will be snapped up and be back in our lives again.

Mark Warr - A Regional Emergency!

My darling Crustettes, as she types this post to her public, you find Dame Crusty a distressed and shattered wreck.

I have learned that my little poppet, Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr, has only 7 weeks …. 7 WEEKS …before he eloquently reads his last news summary on our screens, gives a little sparkle out of the corner of his eye and sashays elegantly out of the Tyne Tees studios for the very last time.

Chu Me has had to arrange for staff to work overtime to mop up the tears that have fallen, like an Indian monsoon, from Crusty’s eyes and onto my beautiful oak flooring. For the first time in my life I have bags under my eyes; Crusty looks like John Prescott with his hands being prized from the edge a buffet table…yes…it really is that bad! (Although, of course, Crusty has still maintained her figure).

The thought that one morning soon, lying in my bed and watching my 28 incher rise before me, I will not be able to see my little Marky on it, fills me with dread. Oh yes, I have the snippets Chu Me has saved for me on my enhanced box, my stunning silk hand-embroidered Mark Warr nightdress (daily wrapped warmly in my towelling Colin Briggs dressing gown) and of course I’ll always have my memories. But this is simply not enough!

This is now a regional emergency!

Dame Crusty sends out a plea to all those Crustettes in power within our television and radio industries to save this little studmuffin and provide him with the work he deserves; serving the people of our region -standing proudly alongside those other pillars of our community Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs and Her Serene Highness Carol of Malia.

ITV, do not tell me you have insufficient funds for a valuable news department then gouge my eyes out with the heel of my Jimmy Choo’s this evening with those tacky tartlets of tailoring, Tranny and Susannah…I think we deserve better, dears, don’t you?

Mark Warr - His light will shine for ever!

My darling Crustettes, you find Dame Crusty in a very distressed state this evening - I have been in a gin-soaked state of devastation since news filtered back.

Undercover members of my organisation have informed me, via Chu Me - they wear man-made fibres, therefore, are not permitted to enter Crusty Hall - that Tyne Tees Totty, Mark Warr, has been thrown under the axe of fate and has become a victim of the ITV cut backs!!!!

Each morning, as I prepare myself for the public duties I am obliged to endure each day, I glide between the pleasures of the Andy Williams of breakfast news - Sir Colin Briggs - and the Brad Pitt of Tyne Tees, Mark makes-y-mouth-water Warr. They are the Yin and Yang of morning television; Mark, the relaxed, casual informer on the events of the day and Colin providing the same but with a cheeky little glint in his eye and an air of mischief about him. Without one, there is simply no balance!

A member of my cleaning staff said to me, when I found out this crushing news,"Don't worry Mistress, there are plenty other presenters out there"; she tilted her head and smiled, ever so delicately.

Naturally, I slapped her across the dish with all the force I could muster and then sat her down by the dumb waiter - he stood up and went into the ballroom, clearly sensing trouble.

I placed my tumbler on the table at my side.

"Let me explain the world to you, my dear. Mr. Warr is a professional, with the striking good looks of a Jean Paul Gautier eau de toilette advertisement; to try and enlighten you on what he does for Dame Crusty...well...it's... just...so hard! Sir Colin is ...well ...imagine, if you will, a bitterly cold morning; one wakes up freezing, with your teeth (and then I looked closer)...your tooth ... chattering. The ice is covering the ground outside like an Ikea perspex coaster and the frost is clinging to the council estate's roof tops just as your uniform clings to you. Sir Colin's spot, on the half hour, transports your mistress in front of a magical fireplace, where flames lick away in front of her, wrapping her in a faux-fur blanket of luxuriousness and just makes her feel warm and snuggly and prepared for her day."

I could see she didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation and, taking my tumbler back in my hand, instructed Chu Me to take her away and find her a position more suitable outside in the grounds.

So now we have the slick, natty delivery on the BBC of Sir Colin twinkle-and-y-tingle Briggs, but have to endure the Tyne Tees update with presenters who look like they are just about to be hit by a Hummer and do not have Mark's finesse. From this point forth, my public duties will be hell; however, I will continue, as I must, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face and only reveal my true pain behind the closed doors of my boudoir.

Tyne Tees executives....may your Christmas turkeys be undercooked and may Santa never fill your stockings. You have made an enemy of Crusty and one day I will let you feel my wrath.

Sir Colin... darling Mark... may you both prosper and soon bring harmony to our screens again.

Mark Warr - Save the Tyne Tees Totty

It has been brought to Crusty's attention that there is a potential disaster in the pipeline.

You will recall that ITV has "hit the fan" and are having to make some drastic cut backs. The axe of fate is hovering over the whole company and employees are having to re-apply for their positions and prove their worth.

Here in the North East of England (God love it!), we are proud of many of the presenters we have, both on the BBC and ITV; Her Serene Highness Carol Malia, Colin Briggs (he of the sou'westerlies) and Tyne Tees' own pin-up, Mark Warr (pictured). Of course, there are also others tethered to the other end of the farm yard, such as dear old Bob Johnson....one always hoped his "skitey bits" would turn carnivorous and decide on a slap up meal.

Anyhoo...Mark is now in fear for his job and...quite frankly...I think it is outrageous! I remember the first morning I saw this little hotty on my 28 incher.....I thought my waterbed had sprung a leak...I was saturated! Those boyish good looks, that cheeky smile and that natural charm oozed from every pixel. It was one of those moments I will remember for the rest of my life.

Do we want Mark to be axed, to be tossed out onto the street after his years of dedication, to be slapped across the dish for having to get up at God-only-knows what time in the morning to appear fresh faced and bushy tailed before the viewers?...I would suggest not and I want all my little Crustettes to bombard Tyne Tees studios with emails to save him and ensure that Tyne Tees has a true professional fronting it's news...For God's sake, when this man sits in front of the camera, he practically makes love to it!

We support you Mark!