My darling Crustettes, you find Dame Crusty in a very distressed state this evening - I have been in a gin-soaked state of devastation since news filtered back.
Undercover members of my organisation have informed me, via Chu Me - they wear man-made fibres, therefore, are not permitted to enter Crusty Hall - that Tyne Tees Totty, Mark Warr, has been thrown under the axe of fate and has become a victim of the ITV cut backs!!!!
Each morning, as I prepare myself for the public duties I am obliged to endure each day, I glide between the pleasures of the Andy Williams of breakfast news - Sir Colin Briggs - and the Brad Pitt of Tyne Tees, Mark makes-y-mouth-water Warr. They are the Yin and Yang of morning television; Mark, the relaxed, casual informer on the events of the day and Colin providing the same but with a cheeky little glint in his eye and an air of mischief about him. Without one, there is simply no balance!
A member of my cleaning staff said to me, when I found out this crushing news,"Don't worry Mistress, there are plenty other presenters out there"; she tilted her head and smiled, ever so delicately.
Naturally, I slapped her across the dish with all the force I could muster and then sat her down by the dumb waiter - he stood up and went into the ballroom, clearly sensing trouble.
I placed my tumbler on the table at my side.
"Let me explain the world to you, my dear. Mr. Warr is a professional, with the striking good looks of a Jean Paul Gautier eau de toilette advertisement; to try and enlighten you on what he does for Dame Crusty...well...it's... just...so hard! Sir Colin is ...well ...imagine, if you will, a bitterly cold morning; one wakes up freezing, with your teeth (and then I looked closer)...your tooth ... chattering. The ice is covering the ground outside like an Ikea perspex coaster and the frost is clinging to the council estate's roof tops just as your uniform clings to you. Sir Colin's spot, on the half hour, transports your mistress in front of a magical fireplace, where flames lick away in front of her, wrapping her in a faux-fur blanket of luxuriousness and just makes her feel warm and snuggly and prepared for her day."
I could see she didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation and, taking my tumbler back in my hand, instructed Chu Me to take her away and find her a position more suitable outside in the grounds.
So now we have the slick, natty delivery on the BBC of Sir Colin twinkle-and-y-tingle Briggs, but have to endure the Tyne Tees update with presenters who look like they are just about to be hit by a Hummer and do not have Mark's finesse. From this point forth, my public duties will be hell; however, I will continue, as I must, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face and only reveal my true pain behind the closed doors of my boudoir.
Tyne Tees executives....may your Christmas turkeys be undercooked and may Santa never fill your stockings. You have made an enemy of Crusty and one day I will let you feel my wrath.
Sir Colin... darling Mark... may you both prosper and soon bring harmony to our screens again.
Thursday, 18 December 2008
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My dear jewel encrusted Dame!
ReplyDeleteI too share your grief...
I haven't cried so much since I tried to stop a fight outside of Farm Foods between two fat lasses. I was hit in the eye with a Chicken Tikka Pizza.(only 99p). Anyhow, my point is that with ITV becoming so cheap it will all decend into horrid mess...so I will have to turn to the M&S of TV the BBC. Your loyal Crustette, Pearl.
My Darling Pearl,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your note, I had to scream for Chu Me to bring me a box of mansize tissues at once! (sadly, he is only 3ft 8”, so it was actually a pocket pack). Something has not come over me in this way for several years.
I believe your terrible story of the injury you sustained outside Farm Foods has shown to us all the pain that is felt by everyone at the pending loss of my darling Mark.
I had imagined that these shopping facilities for people of a, shall we say, particular breeding sold items of such stark lack of quality but your actual evidence that people combine such international cuisines then use them as deadly weapons...well one thinks the Police should turn their attention away from knives and hold an amnesty for the handing in of such Italian based products.
I certainly hope you have recovered and not been left with a squint. I recommend a veil if you have.
As for Tyne Tees and the vile, jealous, vindictive bitch that made this decision, I have as we speak, instructed Chu Me's mother and her cell mates in Haiti's high security prison to prepare Voodoo dolls of all Tyne Tees executives and they shall all be feeling pricks very soon.
Though there will be a deep void on Tyne Tees, I hope you will find some comfort in Crusty's other little poppet, Sir Colin Briggs; this man can make all ones stresses disappear with one glint of his eye and a blast of his sou’westerlies.
Be strong, my dear and gain strength in the knowledge that revenge will be dealt in a long and painful manner by my international army of Crustettes.
Dear Mark could always find work as Max Headroom's stunt double.
ReplyDeleteOphelia B