Colin Briggs & Mark Warr - Filling Crusty's Stockings

After breakfast on Christmas morning, Chu Me brought two sacks full of presents to my bedside. The sacks were filled to the brim of gifts from all the staff at Crusty Hall to their mistress.

I was shocked and surprised as Chu Me dragged them across the floor; more so because last year there were three! I could see some of the gifts were wrapped with silver paper, adequate enough for presentation to ones employer; others items, from the junior staff, were wrapped in pages from glossy magazines and tied up with shoelaces.

Oh God! It was going to be like a scene from Catherine Cookson's Rag Nymph (thankfully, the one and only time Jimmy Nail dragged up as bag lady Aggie Winkovski).

Still, I said nothing and thought that the staff have probably spent a little more of their wages on more lavish gifts, rather than presentation, hence the reduced number of sacks.

Crusty was wrong!

As I sat in my bed, opening parcel after parcel and hurling them, effortlessly, across the room into the large crackling fire, I began to feel no one understood Dame Crusty's needs at all.

Chu Me must have noticed me slipping into an abyss of misery. He gently placed his little hands on my own and asked me to lie back, close my eyes and relax; he wanted to show me something he thought I would love to have.

A tingle ran up my spine at the thought of what my faithful houseboy was going to reveal to me.

When I was instructed to do so, I opened my eyes slowly and there, upon my 28 incher, was my darling Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr!!

What manner of magic was this? It wasn't the right time of day!

Chu Me told me I could turn over if I wanted; he demonstrated, letting his little fingers push my buttons, and then ... Colin his-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs!!

My body quivered like Dame Birley Shassey's upper arms, as Chu Me explained that since having my box enhanced, he had taken the liberty of recording the news segments from breakfast TV; providing me with an on-demand facility to watch my favourite presenters where and when I wanted. He had even used a clever facility where the recordings could not be deleted accidentally.

He did apologise as he had accidentally recorded another presenter in error, but as he took me to the snippet I discovered it was little Richard Thomas; I forgave him immediately. Though, Richard will never replace my affections for my two little poppets, he is what the children of the street call ... buff ... and one can never have too much eye-candy around one.

I felt like embracing Chu Me to show my appreciation, but he's staff and one mustn't do that sort of thing - it's just not good breeding - so instead, I promised him another two chickens for his coop and a blanket for his cock and sent him away, instructing him to cancel all my public engagements for the next week so I could bathe in the glory of my presenter pin-ups.