Sunday, 14 December 2008

Alexandra Burke - A Star is Born

Well I don't know about anyone else, but I was glued ...GLUED to my chaise-lounge last night as I watched the X-factor final.

Crustettes will have realised a long time ago that I was not particularly enamoured by Eeyore Squiggles and I had prayed all week, while performing my public duties, that the British public would not let me down and vote for him because he was, allegedly, cutsie-wutsie in a granny-adoring-her-grandson-kind-of-way. His mediocre, Karaoke-influenced style on the songs he chose was pretty piss-poor, especially when he sang that "American Classic" from a few weeks ago; you remember, the classic from High School Musical.

In this final week, the contestants went home one last time before the result and Eeyore, in particular, was overwhelmed. There were crowds following him everywhere he went and thousands were crammed into the street outside his house. Crusty was convinced it was a happy occasion - she didn't see a single person wearing a balaclava.

Eeyore told us in his sweet little accent "I couldn't believe it! There were girls crying when I went on the stage"; Crusty can empathise with them, dear, each week you have been on, I too have been in tears...and screaming at Chu Me, "Make him stop! Make him Stop!"

JLS have now fully grown and their harmonies were nipple-tweakingly superb and when those little hotties were molesting us with their eyes as they sang Last Christmas, I couldn't help but rip my blouse open and expose my cleavage to the screen. By the end of the competition, I think poor little Aston was simply exhausted; I just wanted to clutch him to my ample bosom and breastfeed him all night.

I do feel, however, that poor JLS and Eeyore got the short end of the stick with their famous guests; Westlife and Boyzone. Compared to Beyoncé for Alexandra? Behind the scenes the poor boys must have been thinking, "Shit! She's got a legend and we've got frikkin' Chaz and Dave!"

Which neatly brings me on to Her Serene Highness Alexandra Burke....What a star!! Every single song performed to perfection and the duet with Beyoncé ...well ... I cannot find the words; my jaw dropped open, my eyes were out on stalks, my downstairs area was moist and quivering with excitement and I nearly dropped my Gin.

No matter what happens now both Alexandra and JLS have incredible futures mapped out in front of them and when they have earned sufficient money - an amount I deem acceptable - they will always be welcome to enter my humble Crusty Hall should they be passing.

As for Diana-Vickers-rhymes-with-knickers and Eeyore Squiggles ... I believe MacDonalds are on a recruitment drive ... a Big Mac and small fries for Chu Me, please!


  1. Well I'm of a slightly different opinion. Whilst I loved her voice I believe she is a cheat. Surely, but surely anyone with a mother as a pop star shouldn't be allowed near the auditions (in various salubrious locations) never mind the final. Isn't this show meant to pluck some nobody from obscurity? Next we'll be having Kimberly Stewart or (go forbid) Fifi Pixie Belldof.

    Ophelia B

  2. Ah Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia,

    While I understand your train of thought, I must stick by my guns and embrace dear Alex as a life long Crustette.

    There were vicious articles, I know, insinuating that her mother was a pop star, however, after utilising my infamous journalistic skills, I can now reveal I discovered that her mother sang for a pop group called Soul II Soul …quite!

    I think we can all establish, therefore, that the term “pop star” was, perhaps, a little over indulgent?

    I remember, fondly, the little ditty the group produced (I think back in the 20’s) called “Back to Life” – in fact, for a whole week I never had it off – but then they drifted into that abyss of obscurity; a place where Phil Collins appears twice nightly and Sir Cliff is half in and half out …allegedly, in more ways than one.

    I think the show, itself, is a celebration of all things gorgeous about our fair land – and I do include Scotland in that – and I do truly believe that the quota for “plucking a nobody from obscurity” has, my dear Ophelia, already been filled by Danniiiii Minge (sorry, some of my keys are sticking).

    As for Pifi Fix-y’bell Gandolf, I think she already has enough on her plate and the pressures of a reality talent show may prove too much.

    So let us shower this little Crustette with all our love and gorgeousness and watch her shoot to superstardom (hopefully with a little more melodic songfulness than Lonely Lewis)

    Your dear friend,
    Crusty x