Tuesday, 2 December 2008

My Fiancé's Secret Sex With Our Best Man - A Revelation

I have always been fascinated by the myriad of glossy magazines one finds on the shelves of our local newsagents.

In the early part of November, I was relaxing in my hairdressers, having my roots done, when I came across one I had never seen before; It was Love It! Real life and Celebs...well, I mean, one couldn't just leave it lying there. My curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up to read the shocking revelations graphically spelt out in My Fiancé's Secret Sex With Our Best Man, which had teased me onthe front cover.

The story revolves around a heartbroken bride-to-be, who meets up with the love of her life in a local pub, which he runs, "surrounded by pork scratchings and soggy beer mats" - a heady utopia of romance if ever there was one.

The woman of our story, Lisa gives us a Barbara Cartlandian account of her new beau, Daniel, eyeing up her bottom, which was squeezed into super-tight skinny jeans, though... in fairness, I have seen her photograph and I'm not convinced they were meant to be that style, especially with unlimited pork scratchings to hand.

Some strange things happened during their courtship; none more so than when delectable Danny reached over and smoothed the hair from her face...or on her face... forgive me, I was speed reading. Apparently, this gave young Lisa goosebumps and caused our hero of the piece to recoil back, apologise, and stare at the sticky carpet!

Goodness me! I don't know what the poor girl managed to secrete from her person to cause such stickiness but my sympathy lies with the cleaners on that one, dear.

Anyhoo....there was a lot of finger entwining and cupping of faces (with clearly very big hands) and our couple ended up in Dan-Dan's immaculately made double bed. She trembled beneath her stallion, as he covered every inch of her body with tender kisses. Again, having seen her picture, I can imagine it was after 16 hours and after developing very sore lips he eventually made passionate love to her in every position available; she had so much fun finding out the "little things" about the Danmeister....although, Crusty suspects he hadn't looked upon his thing as being that little before then.

After only a short courtship of 6 months, Lisa, was proposed to by our hero. She was overcome with a million bubbles of excitement bursting in her tummy (that's wind, dear!) and spent the next few weeks flashing her ring to everyone.

Arrangements were planned, guests were invited, dresses were ordered - though at this stage, only for the Bride and not the Groom - and things were just peachy.

Then the villain of our story enters to whisk our hero off on a Stag Party. While Lisa admits to drifting off to sleep and dreaming of tiaras, our hero and his best friend were at it like rabbits.

Next morning, Daniel decided to come clean and, well, Lisa threw a hissy-fit. She screamed at him pounding his chest..or her chest... probably hers (wasn't she in King Kong?)

Well...as you can imagine, things just went from bad to worse; a million thoughts whizzed through her mind...and with the millions of exploding bubbles already in her stomach, this girl had problems, I can tell you.

Lisa, ran away through a pub, which "wobbled" in front of her eyes; a place where she thought she's spend the rest of her life: Whether it was new-build, I'm uncertain but I would recommend someone seeing to those walls urgently if they wobble that much.

All plans were cancelled and Lisa called the dress shop to explain the wedding was off. The shop owner made "soothing noises" (I will leave that to the imagination of my little Crustettes) and then told her she won't getting a refund -I suspect her noises changed at that point!

Anyhoo...none of them speak to each other now - surprise, surprise - but Lisa did call by to see the villain of the piece and confront him at his front door. The beast couldn't say anything and was described as simply scuffing the ground with his socked feet (if the socks are that hard, I think they have been worn long enough, don't you?) and managed to say it was just a moment of madness under the influence of alcohol. Although, having seen the photo of our victim adorned in cream wedding dressery and posing with her full arm tattoo on full display and LOVE and .....no sorry....LEFT and RIGHT tattooed on her hands I would rather suspect that on his last night of freedom, Daniel wanted something a tad more feminine to say goodbye to singledom.

I had pondered on whether or not to include a photo of our victim in this piece but after several minutes decided not to; I would prefer it if my readers could conjure up their own images from the descriptions within the piece. Needless to say, the words going through Dame Crusty's mind as I look at her photograph are ....lipstick .....and .......Pitbull.

So...that is it...the story condensed....by the time I reached the last paragraph my hair looked like Cleo Lane's; four pages of pain and hate had shot through my follicles and it's going to take weeks to repair.

Where our characters goes on from here I do not know but Crusty wishes them well. Crusty also wishes to thank Love It for nearly blowing her tights off with this exclusive.

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