Unsolicited Sales Calls - A Solution Doomed!

I don’t know about my dear Crustettes, but I have been getting increasingly annoyed by the number of unsolicited calls I have been receiving on the land line at Crusty Hall; Everyone is trying to offer me their wares; if it’s not double glazing, then it’s insurance or mobile phones.

The latter recently caused an incident that made Crusty chuckle loudly.

It all began when Chu Me had a member of his family visiting Crusty Hall. She was only here for a week and he felt she may get bored sitting in her suite with nothing to do – he’s often very considerate like that. He approached me as I was in the study having a good grope inside my box – this is where Chu Me puts all the correspondence I need to address that day and all the necessary background on places I am to visit during the course of my public duties – and asked if I would be gracious enough to allow her to join the staff.

At first I was a little concerned; her grasp of the English language was limited – her words on meeting me were, “Your nice Lady” - and I have to confess, I had seen brighter people working at my local MacDonald’s.

Anyhoo…I posed Chu Me with the question of what job she could do in the household that would not interfere with the other staff. After a moment he suggested she could be a filter.

I could not recall Crusty Hall possessing a fish tank and the fountain in the drive had been turned off for the winter. Also looking at the dear girl, I thought nothing could pass through those pores and then he explained she could be a filter for the telephone calls received on the land line.

I feel our plan was doomed from the start; we decided that in order for me to forget she was there she would not relay the message verbally but merely write key words summarising the calls on A4 sheets of paper with a black marker. To gain my attention she was to stamp her foot twice on the oak floor. I would then read the words and if the call was of interest, I would gesture with my hand and the call would be passed to me. If not she was to hang up.

Everything was going to plan. I was sitting watching my daily dose of Jeremy Bile and the phone rang. The dear girl shot into action; marker at the ready and A4 sheets on stand by. I watched as her tongue hung out of the corner of her mouth, her head tilted and she stabbed away with her marker.

First sheet ..... YOUR

Second sheet ..... ORANGE

then the next ..... CONT

I immediately spat out a mouthful of gin, and scrambled for the lead crystal ashtray to my left and flung it across the room. It glistened as it flew past the window, shooting a myriad of rainbow coloured lights around the drawing room, until it arrived at its destination and bounced off her forehead with a loud crack.

It was like a Hollywood action movie – everything in slow motion; as I screamed, “B-I-T-C-H!”, her chair fell back with an almighty thud and after a moment of silence all that was to be seen were two pale, spindly legs sticking up from behind the desk with a pair of pink flip-flops loosely hanging from the toes.

I reflected at the rudeness of the girl as I hung up the receiver – a visitor I had invited into my Hall - then noticed the last piece of paper she had held in her hand - flung into the air as the projectile hit – floating down to the floor. As it landed by my foot I noticed the words RACT UP.

I methodically pieced together the clues and then the penny dropped and in an instant Crusty howled with laughter. As I settled back in front of Jeremy Bile, I took up my gin and one reflected how the funniest things happen when one least expects them.