Carol Kirkwood - Slip, Slap, Slop

Crusty was watching BBC Breakfast news this morning, waiting for the George Clooney of news, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’tingle Briggs to update one on the regional stories

As I sat drinking a rather fragrant cup of tea in my magnificent four-poster bed, the studio presenters linked to the Blue Peter garden and to the delicious Carol Kirkwood for the weather forecast.

One doesn’t normally listen intently to the national forecast as it doesn’t have the same resonance to that of the summary from our own marvellous North East weather team and, in particular, from Tingle Briggs himself (When he fires a Nor’westerly across the bows one simply becomes a pleasurable pool of molten flesh on a layer of Egyptian cotton).

Anyhoo … as I sat looking out of the bedroom window pondering the day ahead, my ears pricked up and my attention was drawn back to my 28 incher.

“…so don’t forget the slip, slap, slop …” Carol advised.

How eerie it felt that someone so far away, in the land of television - surrounded by the noble majesty of the newly refurbished sunken garden - could know so much about the goings on at Crusty Hall; indeed, one did slip in the bathroom most mornings; one did slap a member of the household staff as one descended the great staircase and chef’s assistant did, indeed, serve slops for breakfast…..regularly! Uncanny!!

Ah, once again I seem to have misinterpreted things. My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, has advised me her slip, slap, slop referred to sun cream.

Hazel Blears - Satan's Pixie and a Government of Sleaze

Satan's pixie, Hazel Blears, is certainly caught up in the scandal of our MPs expenses.

Strange how the normally vocal ...incessantly vocal ... MP has become less so since the original stories of her first home/second home * (*delete as most profitable) hit the headlines. Was she merely trying to make some flipping money...or not? Who knows and indeed who cares, she and her like must simply be exorcised.

For many years now she has rammed down the nation's throats the sleaze of the previous Conservative government and that all things wrong with the world are because of Margaret Thatcher. How could she have known that it would be her own interfering, dictating government who would, through their own far superior sleaze, have practically instigated the downfall of an internationally respected political institution.

Yet across the parties it is worth remembering that while our brave soldiers are fighting and dying in the sun scorched provinces of Iraq and Afghanastan, in wars that stemmed from political gain and rather dubious intelligence and where there's inadequate equipment due to a lack of public money, at least our MP's are winning in the property market, getting their pipes fixed and acquiring mock Tudor frontage.

Vicar Searches for Mrs Tickles' Clematis

The Bank Holiday weekend and Crusty was at a loss as to what to do.

My little poppet, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs, had announced he was attending the Northumberland Show...what a wonderful idea, I thought; I could present him with the special diamond encrusted rosette I had made for him for being Best at Show but then I remembered that the smell of animals and manure would remind me too much of the household staff's quarters here at Crusty Hall, so eventually decided against it. My darling Colin can be awarded his rosette another time.

Anyhoo.... in the end I thought I would pay a visit to the village garden centre - owned by Mr. and Mrs. Tickles - to see if there was anything interesting to buy for gardener to plant this Summer.

Walking past the fuchsias I saw a rather striking Coachman; floral tentacles hanging beautifully from the surrounding velvety plants...but it wasn't quite the show I was looking for. Instead, I made my way to Mrs Tickles' famous bush section. It was here - while standing gazing in awe at her Dusky Beauties - I saw the vicar rummaging near her Little Scamp.

"You look lost, vicar." I said, "are you looking for something in particular?"

"I'm looking for the Clematis." He replied exasperated.

"Most men are, dear! Try a little further up ... past the water feature."

I finally managed to see a couple of items I liked but feel it would be better to check with gardener first. One would hate to disrupt his horticultural balance.

Crusty Hall on Alert!

I have been greatly concerned recently by the numerous stories in our press concerning the growing number of bee hives being stolen throughout our land.

Crusty, herself, has taken an interest in this world of apiarists and has started her own collection of the little creatures. Their little hive is situated deep in the grounds of Crusty Hall, well away from the hall itself and I have a member of the household staff dedicated to looking after it - she's petrified of them and screams often but if one uses flat tonic in your mistress's drink there has to be consequences.

Anyhoo ...one hasn't gone over board and has only started a short time ago but I have managed to acquired just over three dozen.

My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, has put tight security measures in place, which includes a state of the art silent alarm system; one of it's many advantages is a small warning device that vibrates when activated. The device can easily be stored in my garter.

Chu Me has assured me that should I ever feel a tingle in my thighs, I know someone is sneaking up, intent on grabbing my 38 bees and the police are on their way.

Au Revoir Carol Malia - 8 months and counting!

I have no shame in making public the fact that Crusty was distraught this evening as BBC North East's priceless jewel, Carol Malia, give her last bulletin before going on maternity leave. The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I watch her presented with a boquet of flowers from Jeff Brown.

Crusty's life has been disjointed since her gorgeous poppet Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr was so brutally made redundant from GMTV regional news. The channel has now been left with an empty void in the mornings....and she's tried her best but really isn't worth watching. As a result, I have transferred 100% loyalty to BBC North East and Cumbria. With out MW you really cannot find better than Lady Carol of Malia and the George Clooney of breakfast news, Colin His-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs and the team.

Anyhoo.....Carol has looked radiant over recent months while she draws closer to becoming a mother. I had hoped that Chu Me's own mother would have had time to knit some baby clothes, while residing at the Haitian government's pleasure but unfortunately there's been an "incident" and all sharp items have been confiscated.

In my dreams I had wished the executives of our regional television would have envisaged the Utopian ideal of having Colin stand in for Carol and employing my poppet, Mark Warr, for the breakfast slot but sadly they must not crave the same things Crusty does.

Crusty wishes Carol and her husband well and the sentiment is echoed by all at Crusty Hall.

Peter Mandelson Fails to Diffuse Expenses Row.

Crusty never likes to step into the world of politics too often - well, one simply doesn't have the correct shoes - but our MPs are certainly in a pickle at the moment, aren't they?

I recall some weeks back, when the furore first started, Lord Peter Lady-Peggy-on-a-Sunday Mandelson was being interviewed on television in an attempt to diffuse the allegations being made by the Daily Telegraph.

Crusty always feels uneasy about that one, poppets; each time he appears on one of my many flat screen T.V.s here at Crusty Hall (all paid for by me, incidentally), one can hear the holy water in the font of the Chapel at Crusty Hall bubbling violently...and has one noticed, over the years, how his mannerisms and tone of voice are morphing into those of Lady Thatcher's?

In some respects he reminds me of dear Dannniiiiiii Minge (sorry-my-keyboard's-sticking), that is to say very little facial animation north of the lip line. Crusty always wonders of he has had bollocks in his face? Perhaps receipts will be found amongst his expenses.

(Oh! Chu Me has informed me it is actually pronounced Botox!)

Eurovision 2009 - A Troll and a Fairytale

The dust has settled and Crusty has to say she has mixed feelings about the result of this years Eurovision Song Contest.

The wonderful Graham Norton did a superb job as commentator; one let out many a titter as the night went on. The set was incredible and Crusty feels that we will never see the likes of it again.....

.....and what about our darling Jade Ewen? Wasn't she absolutely fabulous? Draped in a sexy little number laden with glitterati and a pair of heels that could've induced a nose bleed, she blasted out "It's My Time" with all the enthusiasm of a Bigg Market slapper going to a Top Shop sale.

There was one scary moment, however, when Crusty's heart nearly skipped a beat, as I squeezed the neck of one of the kitchen staff; violinist number one actually had the audacity to smack our chanteuse in the dish as she descended the staircase (I know where I'll be sliding his bow should I ever meet him, I can tell you!). She was, however, unphased and gave a flawless performance. The crowd and the international community loved her.

Sadly, the winning song came from Norway, a place steeped in history and drenched in wealth since its people discovered some very large oily deposits in the 70s. Furthermore, Crustettes may not be aware Norway was also ranked the highest of all countries (2001-2006) for their human development and after spending a weekend on a trawler with a cabin full of Norwegian sailors - when ones yacht had stalled out at sea - one can happily confirm this after experiencing their human development first hand.... but that's a story for another occasion.

Anyhoo.... the rather small, troll-like creature, with a mouth the size of paella pan offered us his nation's song Fairytale. In actual fact, after one heard it after the second time it rapidly became a nightmare and one found oneself throwing buffet nibbles at the screen. It would have been glorious if, when flinging his head back and opening that cavernous gob for the high notes, one of the LED screens would have broke from its fixings and dropped on him but alas it was not to be.

One thing is for sure the United Kingdom is back! Jade and Andrew Lloyd Webber have put us back near the top. Roll on next year!!

Jade Ewen - It's My Time?

Crusty is sitting on the edge of her seat for the incredible, glitterlicious extravaganza that is the Eurovision Song Contest, being shown on the glorious BBC tonight.

Chu Me has once again hung Bunty in the ballroom. The household staff are adorned in various European national costumes they have all put together themselves - I am not entirely convinced that the groundsman's apprentice has the ensemble for the Netherlands correct - I suspect there is more to their national dress than a pair of backless leather shorts and a set of nipple clamps. Still as long as he doesn't rest against any of my antique fabrics, I shall accept his attempt.

Crusty herself has squeezed beautifully into a leather, Union Jack catsuit (although around the back there is also the ring of Europe, safely hidden away) with a pair of 6" heeled, thigh-high union jack boots.

Anyhoo... Crusty is looking forward to the first hosting by the gorgeous Graham Norton. One felt it needed to come from a fresher, younger direction and the BBC could not have made a finer choice.

Our own little chanteuse, Jade Ewen, has her work cut out for her and let's hope Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's song takes her to victory or he will be hung .... though, apparently, he already is.

The song is certainly powerful enough and Jade has a bellow-blasting set of lungs on her for someone so deliciously thin, but there is some stiff competition for the likes of Sweden (Malena Ernman) and even - dare I say it - Estonia and Iceland.

Jade and the nation's favourite Lord can only do their best and Crusty and her household are supporting them 100%.

Peter Andre & Katie Price's Split.

Like many of the Crustettes who keep up to date with celebrity gossip, Crusty read with sadness that the nation’s newspaper fodder Katie Price and Peter Andre have separated after only 4½ years together.

I supposed it should come as no surprise to us, or them, as the press have been frantically predicting it every day for …. 4½ years.

They’ve certainly proved a popular couple with books, chat shows and flies on the walls - I even thought I had come across a new one the other night “Crossing Jordan” – I thought you’d need a pretty strong rope and a pair of crampons for that mission, dear, but apparently is was a different Jordan.

One never likes to see Cupid’s shaft of love broken across the knee of fate, especially when people have successfully managed to breed. Crusty wishes them both well for the future.

Should Peter Andre require a retreat to gather his thoughts there is always a place for him at Crusty Hall. There is a bottle of baby oil and thong on standby should he feel the need.

Dom DeLuise - Gone Too Soon!

1st Aug 1933 - 4th May 2009

Crusty was deeply, deeply saddened the other day when Chu Me advised that one of her favourite comedy actors Dom DeLuise had died at the tender age of 75.

There are few stars of our screens who can bring a smile to one's face just with the sight of them and even fewer whose personality, warmth and humour exude from every pore - the man was naturally funny.

His work with the great Mel Brooks (History of the World: Part 1, Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs) and with his friend Burt Reynolds (Cannonball Run) were superb and, in particular, Crusty will always regard his portrayal of the righteous consumer reporter Melvin P. Thorpe in The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas as one of his masterpieces.

Not only did he shine as an actor, he was equally acclaimed as an author and as a chef; a multi talented wonder.

Dom, you will be greatly missed! A candle burns brightly in the chapel at Crusty Hall in your memory.

Piglet and Pooh .... and Swine Flu Too!

Warr-iors Unite on Facebook Campaign - Britain Needs You!

I was scanning the pages of the wonderful Facebook community when I came across one young man who - like Dame Crusty - was fighting for the return to our screens of Crusty's favourite piece of breakfast crumpet; the delicious Mark Warr. Of course, I joined the group immediately.

The lusciously green, delicately perfumed and water-plentiful forest of life seems to have transformed into a stinking, arid desert of cat litter since he was - once again - ripped from our screens and replaced by that dreadful man-made fibre attired, eyelash flapping-electricity generating harpy, Helen Peengpoo (or some such fancy).

I beg of all my international Crustettes to join this noble cause on Facebook. Let us blast the membership figures of the We DEMAND Mark Warr Back On GMTV Regional News group and get our poppet put back in his rightful place.

For my international followers and those in Queen Elizabeth's realm who aren't fortunate enough to live in the North East of England, you may not have seen him. Sufficed to say, if I were to use the terms gorgeous, professional, eloquent, soothing, sexy, Brad Pitt of News, focused, knicker-wettingly captivating I think you will see what I mean.

Young Daniel, the creator of this campaign, is looking to obtain 500 members by the end of May, however, I think we may be able to do a little better than that, don't you?

Those fabulous Ghurkers have campaigned and won, now we Warriors must do the same...let the battle commence!

More Spears for the Armoury?

Rumours are rife through out the world of pop regarding the talent-ed/less* (*delete as appropriate) Brittle Spears.

It appears that American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrust has started the rumours on his Los Angeles radio show; he said the information came from a "reliable source". Crusty wouldn't take the word of a reliable source, dear! That's where the British Government have been getting their information from and look how wrong they've got it!

Brittle's hangers-on have denied the rumours by saying, "she is, like, sooooooooo not pregnant, like, ok?"

Pop Star (?) Tested for Swine Flu

Crusty was deeply concerned when she opened her internet home page on her laptop to find one of the news headlines to be that a pop star was being tested for Swine Flu.

I immediately clicked on the link to check whether it was one of my many internationally famous poptastic friends.

On reading further one discovered the "pop star" was singer Tulisa Contostavlos ... (?)... N-Dubz ...(?) ... sorry, doesn't mean a thing, dear!

Well, we hope she gets better soon anyway.