Tyne Tees Border Presenter to Bring Power.

Crusty accidentally turned on her television this morning, while having morning tea and crumpet, to catch a brief sight of darling Mark Warr's replacement, Helen PeeOn (or some such fancy).

In a misguided attempt to distance herself from her uncanny resemblance to Nana Mouskouri, she has removed her spectacles. Not a good idea, dear, you now look like an Irish Wolfhound with conjunctivitis!

One presumes that contact lenses have been installed to compensate for the missing glassware as the fluttering of eyelashes in the brief minute I saw her was incredible .. and, in fairness, more than a little off putting.

This afternoon, I wrote to a major electricity company to ask them to attached wiring to both her eyelashes. I am confident that in just one morning bulletin she could produce a years worth of power to Newcastle city centre.

Consider it Dame Crusty's bit for global warming.