Tuesday, 9 June 2009

One Wants Colin Briggs - One Gets A Banana!

I was munching on Chu Me’s deliciously succulent eggs this morning and I turned on my 28 incher in the bedroom waiting for my daily injection of news.

As I looked down to smother a soldier in Chu Me’s golden creamy yolks I heard, “ …here's the news from your region”; I felt a quiver of excitement as I waited for the George Clooney of breakfast news, Colin ­his-twinkle-makes-y’tingle Briggs (Last night, the North East was privileged enough to have him presenting the evening news. I swear he looked as if he’d just walked off an Armani fashion shoot and into the BBC studios!)

Anyhoo …when I heard a high pitched whine, saw the remainder of my breakfast shrivel up to nothing and saw Crotchet roll onto his back, cover his ears with his paws and hiss, I realised I had accidentally switched to ITV and not the BBC.

When I looked up - while frantically trying to get my finger upon the number “1” button - I caught a brief glimpse of Helen Peengpong(or some such fancy) clad in an eye-scorching yellow summer frock.

Really, dears, when I want to be brought up to date with my beloved region’s news, one doesn’t want to hear it from a giant squeaking banana with a squint!

Thankfully, Armani Briggs was at hand 20 minutes later to soothe my burning retinas... he's marvellous!


  1. Dame Crusty, I am somewhat surprised to your comments above, I didnt think you would complain about having a 28inch banana in your bedroom early in the morning.

  2. Normally one wouldn't mind, dear, but when a high pitched giant fruit's whine shrivels up y' sausage and causes your pussy to hiss, one has to draw the line!

    DCG xx