Saturday, 6 June 2009

Crusty Cures Sweating at Crusty Hall?

Crusty has been feeling a little low this week since Señor Sun slowly tipped his hat and bid farewell for a spell. .

So, instead, I spent more time inside watching television. This week Embarrassing Bodies with the dazzlingly dashing Dr. Christian Jessen; he with the body of finely sculpted marble and the grin that makes one’s apertures blow secret kisses from down below.

As usual there was an array of problems this week; a rotting armpit (so disgusting I had to look away and stroke my Crotchet), a lady with piles (Chu Me had just arrived with a plate of grapes but spun on his little heels and left immediately when he saw it), upturned toes and a young man introduced to us who was having problems with a sore penis.
My attention was instantly aroused and I was eager to help Dr. Christian by offering to rub any required cream on the affected area, but then the young man didn’t appear to be that young at all and as he whipped down his drawers to reveal a little shrivelled sausage, I sat back and thought it better left to a professional.

One segment that interested me greatly was that of the young lady who had a sweating problem. Dr. Christian demonstrated to us how we sweat - by having a good pumping session in a gym - then whipping off his vest ….oh, my! … the shimmering beads of doctor-dew clinging to his rippling [ahem!] …and weighing the removed garment on some scales.

Well, our medical team suggested a remedy for our damsel in distress, whereby hands are placed on mats and an electric current is passed through the body to reset the glands. Here at Crusty Hall, a member of the household staff also has a frightful sweating problem; on hot summer days she is forever dripping over my antique furniture and indeed one finds globules of her bodily residue where one least expects them.

It was at this stage that Crusty has a Eureka moment; My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, brought the staff member to the utility room where I explained I was going to cure her of her embarrassing problem. I asked her to stand in a bucket of water then lightly sprayed her to moisten her apparel. Chu Me and I stood back and asked her to now pick up the two cables at either side of her – one in each hand.

As she picked up the two live cables – oh, did I omit that information? – we waited for the miracle to occur.

5 minutes later we stopped as the treatment wasn’t working in the slightest. The girl was still sweating – more so, in fact – though one suspects it was due to the energy she was using to grit her teeth!

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