Monday, 14 December 2009

X Factor (week 10) – Crusty Reflects On Events

One awoke on Monday morning quite exhausted after one’s outrageously childish screaming and dancing the night before when one’s little South Shields stud-muffin, Joe McElderry, took the crown of this years X Factor competition.

After a deep, deep sleep one managed to restore one’s composure to Dame-like status and sashayed down to the breakfast room to reflect on the previous night’s events.

One was sitting in the Drawing Room with one’s faithful houseboy, Chu Me, and our two remaining hopefuls sang the songs they considered to be their favourite from the whole competition – Oily singing ‘Twist and Shout’ and Joe, ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ - plus their version of the (rather poo) song that had been given to them to release as a Christmas hit (not a sleigh bell in earshot! Outrageous!). Despite the song, the vocal emotion of young Joe's voice brought it's lyrics to life
While the nation waited for votes to be counted, we were pampered with a plethora of twinkling stars and heavenly bodies (one refers to the uber-licious George Michael, of course, for the latter).

First of the professional stars filling our stockings, were the foxy foursome, JLS and the gorgeous Alexander Burke singing a mutual medley of their biggest hits. It was wonderful to see the winner of last years contest and the runners up merging in perfect harmony. Indeed, one thinks the version should be released. It would most certainly sell, would it not?

Leona Lewis was wheeled out again – quite literally – on a raised platform to sing her version of the Oasis hit, ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’.

Quite an appalling choice of song, although it was refreshing that the normal military percussion wasn’t banging away behind her. It was really just an excuse for her to stand motionless and scream like a gold-gowned harpy, while a montage of X Factor video footage distracted us from behind.

Many loyal viewers of the wafer-thin Stephen Fry - and his quality BBC show, QI - will know that the most suicidal song in history is Billie Holliday’s ‘Gloomy Sunday’. After listening to listless Leona singing her depressing number, one feels Billie may have a little competition.

Anyhoo … One had hoped that George Michael would be returning to the stage for the last show, and one was overjoyed to see it happen (and didn’t he look as cute as a button?). A refreshing Christmas song and a stunning set of seasonal style.

As if that wasn’t enough and for the final surprise … Sir Paul McCartney.

One was delighted to see he had opted for appropriate footwear and not the trainers he usually wears with dress trousers and one was quite moved - on this Sir Terry Wogan’s last week on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show – that he opted to sport Sir Terry’s hairstyle, in homage, for his performance.

Our Liverpudlian legend of loveliness gave us two songs (although, in fairness, just under half of one would have sufficed).

Now, he’s always been a bit of a joker that one and, true to form, he kept the other band members on their toes by singing in a completely different key. After song number one, he sat at his multi-coloured piano.

‘Oh no,’ one thought, “Not ‘Hey Jude’!”

Even one’s pussy , Crotchet, had the same idea and left the room immediately – growling under his whiskers as he padded off - but then, as he hit the keys, one vaguely recognised the introduction from ‘Live and Let Die’ (Honesty, dear! One’s cleaner plays more melodically when she’s dusting the keys on the Grand, and she's got hands like a pit pony's hooves!)

Then the lines were closed. The nation had reached its decision. The lights went down and the camera fixed on Dermott.

“Remember, this is in no particular order. The winner of the X Factor 2009 is …”

One stood up and glided to the first floor lavatory, while Chu Me walked to the kitchen to make a pot of tea for himself and mix another gin and tonic for his mistress. After 5 minutes we were back and as we settled down, we took a sip from our respective receptacles …


Well, it was worth the wait! Absolute madness ensued within the confines of Crusty Hall. One telephoned one’s dear friend Fanny O’Dour, down at the Badger’s Snatch and one could hardly hear a word she said, the screams coming from the villagers were deafening!

“Crusty!” She screamed, “Isn’t it wonderful news! You must be elated!”

“One is indeed, Fanny; one is indeed.”

It shall be a night one shall always remember. A magical moment, in a most magnificent mould.

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