Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Confused By Confused.com

It was one of those mornings when one was at a loss as to what to do. More so, because of the wild, wintry weather that had descended on this beautiful region and one’s beloved Crusty Hall.

Chu Me had already rose from his slumbers very early to ensure the horses were warm in their stables; he had cracked the ice on the pond to allow the swans access, had fed one’s pussy, Crotchet, fed the chickens and put a small winter coat on his cock. Then, a quick wash of his hands and he even prepared me the most delicious fresh omelette from the morning’s plunder.

After breakfast, one took a little exercise and sashayed along the numerous hallways and corridors of one’s family home until one finally arrived at the top of the Grand Staircase.

Though it was subzero temperatures outside, there was a pleasing warmth that ascended one’s elegant frame as one took hold of the balustrade. Caused not only by the effective central heating but also by one’s two special poppets looking down at one from their picture frames; Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr and Colin his-twinkle-makes-you-tingle Briggs.

Chu Me had done a magnificent job of mounting them; a quick bang here, a quick bang there, and one’s special poppets were swinging weightily in front of one’s beaming face. One could not have been more pleased.

“They are both well hung indeed, Chu Me! Good show!” One acknowledged.

Below me, one notice Janet – one of the household staff – cleaning the floor, while listening to a program on the radio.

Janet came into one’s service from the village undertakers, Diggett & Buryham; It was quite clear she was not cut out for work in such a sensitive environment especially after … the “incident”.

She had wanted to give one of the floors a good clean but there was a gentleman ‘resting’ in the centre of the parlour in question. Small but strong, she lifted the coffin off its easel and stood it up in a stationery cupboard, out of the way. A fabulous job was done of the floor but by the time she had finished, she had completely forgotten about the item she had moved. Sufficed to say, later that same day, the receptionist’s screams could be heard for miles when she went to get a paperclip to remove a foreign body from her stapler and instead caught a frighteningly stiff one in her hands.

Anyhoo … as one was admiring the shine Janet was achieving on one's nic-nacs, an advertisement was broadcast for confused.com and one must say one was quite concerned at the intelligence of their target audience.

“Yeah, it was really easy,” said a young man, “I just put confused.com into the search engine … and it found it straight away!”

You could have found it even quicker if you’d just typed it into the address line, dear! (the clue is in the name!) …For goodness sake!

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