Monday, 7 December 2009

X Factor (week 9) – Crusty Enjoys a Thrilling Semi

The excitement was building within the walls of Crusty Hall. Week 9 (I know it feels infinitely longer than that) of the X Factor competition had reached the Semi-finals. The remaining pop star hopefuls were now to face each other in the musical, gladiatorial arena to win a place in the final.

This week the contestants, again, had to tackle two songs; one from the vast catalogue of the late, great Michael Jackson and the other a song selected by their mentors; a song chosen to woo the public and propel their protégés into next weeks final.

One’s Ballroom was opened - as is now customary – and Chef had prepared a huge array of nourishing nibbles for us all to enjoy. The owners of the village pub, The Badger’s Snatch, were attending; Fanny and Willy O’Dour. In addition, we also had Mr & Mrs Tickles - the owners of the village florist and garden centre, accompanied by their daughter, Tess. It was going to be quite the party!

8pm arrived and the show was underway. Dreamy Dermott appeared from the giant opening at the back of the stage and the audience went wild. He strutted to the side, stood on his mark and introduced the panel of judges.

The gentlemen – Louise and Simon – were well turned out with suit and ties. Danniiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking) was swathed in a rather pleasant flowing number. Indeed, the ensemble was 85% acceptable save the rather ugly pair of dreamcatchers hanging from her aural lobes.

One read in the newspapers last week, that Dannniiii had said she was ready to leave the show to start a family with her hunkalicious beau. Normally this would have worried Crusty greatly. Why, only as recent as last year – with the alleged plastic surgery and bollocks in her face …sorry, Botox (thank you, Chu Me) – one always wondered how a nurse delivering the baby would cope with having to look up from her stressed and bloody lady-garden to say, “Congratulations, Miss Minogue, you have a lovely Barbie doll!”

Now that the Bo …tox seems to have diminished, one is happier now that something altogether more human would be blessed upon the glamorous couple, should they decide to breed.

Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole had clearly suffered a crisis back stage with the little black number she had chosen for the show. Now, one is unsure whether stains were involved or just a receding hem line that would run the risk of prime time foof exposure, but Wardrobe were resourceful enough to find a mother and baby out back and managed to whip away it’s soft, pink blanket … wrap it around Cheryl’s waist and use the safety pin to finish the innovative creation behind the left shoulder. An absolutely awful look but resourcefulness must always be applauded.

Delicious Dermott passed to Simon who gushed his thanks to Janet Jackson, who was to perform on the results show and added, “We’re gonna do our best to pay tribute to Michael Jackson tonight.” (one realised it was wise, at that point, not to expect too much).

First to the stage was Oily Mares. The song choice was ‘Can You Feel It’ and we certainly could. As the music started and the men folk were munching into Chef’s melon balls, Fanny and Mrs. Tickles took to the floor and were consumed by the beat.

Crusty, however, was slightly confused – momentarily - when one thought one was watching a video of the village sanatorium’s Christmas party last year. One was convinced it was the institution’s head nurse, Kera Lott, in her white uniform and matching white pumps, dancing on the podium surrounded by her patients. It was then that one looked closed and realised that it was, in fact, Oily. Oh, how one’s guests and I chuckled!

Anyhoo … a quite pleasing performance was given and Fanny was certainly panting bloodhound after enthusiastically shaking her tail feather. The judges comments were good and, of course, Danniiii had to notice him grabbing “his package” (the mucky mare!)

One headed over to the exquisite presentation of nibbles, eager to cut a slice out of Chef’s prawn ring. Just as one picked up the utensil to scoop out a chunk of his delicious crustacean circle , one heard a heavenly chorus emanating from one’s Bang & Olufsen surround sound. It meant only one thing … South Shields stud-muffin Joe McElderry was about to take to the stage.

As he sat at the back of the set to begin his song – ‘She’s Out Of My Life’ - everybody in the ballroom let out a sigh at the sound of his awesome vocals. Immediately, one grabbed Fanny and Chu Me’s dear Tess Tickles and the three of us swayed along with the rhythm of the music. One was so caught up in the emotion of the song, that one deeply wished to find the ‘she’ that had walked away from our poppet and upset him. One would have liked nothing better than to have Chu Me hold her while one slapped her dish.

When he finished, there was rapturous applause and Dickie Tickles declared, “That one’s certainly got the X Factor!” (one could not have agreed more as one wiped a tear of joy from ones cheek!)

After the other judges had given their glowing verdict, Cheryl announced she was speechless … yet her jabbering on, certainly seemed to prove the opposite.

Dolly Dagenham scorched the stage surface next. Her sexy, yet simple outfit, made her appear absolutely stunning and … Goodness me! … Her legs! They went all the way up to the brim of her hat! One did feel that at her key change - towards the end - she did falter slightly but one supposes it was inevitable after Yoda Freidman had her walking across a carousel of dining chairs. We were, however, all agreed that it wasn’t a song to showcase her gorgeous voice even though she sang it very well.

Last on for the Micheal Jackson homage was Danyl Johnson (he who has a penchant for man-biscuit as well as lady-trifle). Poured into a pair of leather pantaloons he sang ‘Man in the Mirror’ with gusto, though one was slightly distracted, not so much by the lonely Polar Bear behind him, more the burning bush and the large dried up crack that came later. How very biblical, one thought!

In the second section, the contestants continued in the same order and Oily took to the stage once more.

Simon had given him the Beatles number, ‘We Can Work It Out’, but with a slightly less catchy and somewhat underwhelming arrangement and, though one was growing more and more incensed by his, “..Life is very short, and there’s no ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-me” nonsense, one was filled with admiration for him as he continued through his performance while suffering some sort of fit, or seizure, across the stage. Bravísimo, dear!

Chu Me tried to convince us Oily was dancing, but we all laughed it off and such a silly suggestion was soon forgotten.

Once again the angelic choral harmonies filled the Ballroom and our South Shields stud-muffin was back. A song that Crusty had heard before but was not completely familiar with but OH … MY … GOD!!! As the sparkles cascaded behind him Fanny, Tess and I screamed and clapped our hands violently. As his crystal clear vocals oscillated around every millimeter of ones epidermis, one felt one was showering naked under a secret waterfall, hidden in the depths of the Amazon jungle. Quite stunning!

Poor Mrs Tickles was transfixed by his performance; so much so, she ended up dropping her crumbly muffin all over the parquet flooring.

The penultimate act was Dolly Dagenham. Stood centre stage in a fabulous frock and looking very Streisand-esque, her lungs blasted out all they could muster for ‘Somewhere’. As the last notes bellowed out of the speakers, one is quite sure one was pushed back three inches by the very might of her diaphragm.

And finally, Danyl. This time singing the well known Whitney the Poo song from Bodyguard, ‘I Have Nothing’. A powerhouse performance, though one did feel he was a little flat at the beginning and only reached pitch once his lungs began to gather momentum and the more powerful lyrics arrived.

Ironically, by the end of the results show, and other than some happy memories, that was exactly what poor Danyl had …Nothing!

Crusty shall miss his smouldering gorgeousness and puppy-dog eyes, but the nation spoke and Crusty certainly feels the right choice was made. Should Danyl wish to escape to a place for some inner contemplation, Crusty Hall is at his disposal and one has asked Chu Me to leave a pair of small, black budgie-smugglers by the indoor pool, on standby.

Incidentally, note to Ms Jackson’s wardrobe department; what on earth were you thinking, dears! A raincoat and a pair of bunny slippers would have been more fetching than that … that …assemblage.

The woman’s an icon for goodness sake, not a lavatory attendant!

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