X Factor (week 10) – Crusty Reflects On Events

One awoke on Monday morning quite exhausted after one’s outrageously childish screaming and dancing the night before when one’s little South Shields stud-muffin, Joe McElderry, took the crown of this years X Factor competition.

After a deep, deep sleep one managed to restore one’s composure to Dame-like status and sashayed down to the breakfast room to reflect on the previous night’s events.

One was sitting in the Drawing Room with one’s faithful houseboy, Chu Me, and our two remaining hopefuls sang the songs they considered to be their favourite from the whole competition – Oily singing ‘Twist and Shout’ and Joe, ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ - plus their version of the (rather poo) song that had been given to them to release as a Christmas hit (not a sleigh bell in earshot! Outrageous!). Despite the song, the vocal emotion of young Joe's voice brought it's lyrics to life
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While the nation waited for votes to be counted, we were pampered with a plethora of twinkling stars and heavenly bodies (one refers to the uber-licious George Michael, of course, for the latter).

First of the professional stars filling our stockings, were the foxy foursome, JLS and the gorgeous Alexander Burke singing a mutual medley of their biggest hits. It was wonderful to see the winner of last years contest and the runners up merging in perfect harmony. Indeed, one thinks the version should be released. It would most certainly sell, would it not?

Leona Lewis was wheeled out again – quite literally – on a raised platform to sing her version of the Oasis hit, ‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’.

Quite an appalling choice of song, although it was refreshing that the normal military percussion wasn’t banging away behind her. It was really just an excuse for her to stand motionless and scream like a gold-gowned harpy, while a montage of X Factor video footage distracted us from behind.

Many loyal viewers of the wafer-thin Stephen Fry - and his quality BBC show, QI - will know that the most suicidal song in history is Billie Holliday’s ‘Gloomy Sunday’. After listening to listless Leona singing her depressing number, one feels Billie may have a little competition.

Anyhoo … One had hoped that George Michael would be returning to the stage for the last show, and one was overjoyed to see it happen (and didn’t he look as cute as a button?). A refreshing Christmas song and a stunning set of seasonal style.

As if that wasn’t enough and for the final surprise … Sir Paul McCartney.

One was delighted to see he had opted for appropriate footwear and not the trainers he usually wears with dress trousers and one was quite moved - on this Sir Terry Wogan’s last week on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show – that he opted to sport Sir Terry’s hairstyle, in homage, for his performance.

Our Liverpudlian legend of loveliness gave us two songs (although, in fairness, just under half of one would have sufficed).

Now, he’s always been a bit of a joker that one and, true to form, he kept the other band members on their toes by singing in a completely different key. After song number one, he sat at his multi-coloured piano.

‘Oh no,’ one thought, “Not ‘Hey Jude’!”

Even one’s pussy , Crotchet, had the same idea and left the room immediately – growling under his whiskers as he padded off - but then, as he hit the keys, one vaguely recognised the introduction from ‘Live and Let Die’ (Honesty, dear! One’s cleaner plays more melodically when she’s dusting the keys on the Grand, and she's got hands like a pit pony's hooves!)

Then the lines were closed. The nation had reached its decision. The lights went down and the camera fixed on Dermott.

“Remember, this is in no particular order. The winner of the X Factor 2009 is …”

One stood up and glided to the first floor lavatory, while Chu Me walked to the kitchen to make a pot of tea for himself and mix another gin and tonic for his mistress. After 5 minutes we were back and as we settled down, we took a sip from our respective receptacles …

“Joe!”

Well, it was worth the wait! Absolute madness ensued within the confines of Crusty Hall. One telephoned one’s dear friend Fanny O’Dour, down at the Badger’s Snatch and one could hardly hear a word she said, the screams coming from the villagers were deafening!

“Crusty!” She screamed, “Isn’t it wonderful news! You must be elated!”

“One is indeed, Fanny; one is indeed.”

It shall be a night one shall always remember. A magical moment, in a most magnificent mould.

X-Factor (week 10) – The Final part 1.

It was a quiet affair for the X Factor extravaganza at Crusty Hall this week. It was all becoming just too exciting and one did not want to appear in a public state of distress if one’s little South Shields stud-muffin was unsuccessful on his journey to super-stardom. As a result, one give all household staff the night off and Chu Me and I sat in the Drawing Room with a small, flavourful array of nibbles and a sufficient supply of gin, tonic and Pere Ventura Cava to last the evening.

The show began and deliriously delicious Dermott took to the stage to set the ball rolling. The judges were introduced.

The boys were smoothly dressed, as they have been most weeks.

Dannniiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking) appeared from the back doors like a Roman empress in her flowing dark coloured toga, with her complementary potato waffle earrings and tatty hair.

Cheryl y’-nailed-it Cole scuttled out in an apparent mermaid’s costume, made from the skin of very large silver fish. The poor creature had obviously been caught very recently as it still appeared to have an array of little, black, parasitic tiddlers attached along its length; the majority of them had settled around the bustal expanse (they are unlikely to find much to feed on there, one fears).

Eventually, the final was underway and - as we learned later in the show - this evening, we were going to have the pleasure of three songs from our popstar hopefuls.

First on stage was the lovely Dolly Dagenham. Her first choice of song was one of Crusty’s all time favourites, ‘What a Wonderful World’. One has always thought no one could match the great Louis Armstrong, but one must say one adored the version she gave the viewing public.

Next up, Oily Mares. During the video clip before the performance, we saw Oily going back to his hometown with Simon. They decadently travelled in a big, black chopper. One watched with playful glee as the aircraft tilted to the side for a turn. One smiled at the unlikely event of Oily releasing his mentor’s safety belt and pushing him out of the door (purely for entertainment purposes, you understand!).

His song of choice was the Stevie Wonder classic, ‘Superstition’. A pleasant enough performance and he certainly had a lucky escape at the start of his song when he nearly crashed to the floor as he slipped during his strutting (One thinks a little more oil next time, Chu Me).

Then, one’s heart began pounding underneath one’s bosom as Chu Me poured an ice cold gin and tonic. There could be only one more contestant and indeed, Joe McElderry was next.

One’s little poppet, returned home to our breathtaking region, unfortunately bringing Cheryl back with him. However, this didn’t have an adverse affect and the welcome he received from the waiting crowds was overwhelming. One must admit, even Crusty had tears in her eyes as his grandmother told him how proud she was of him. Even Cheryl was close to tears as she stood in the McElderry kitchen (admittedly one was quite impressed to see her progression from a can and straw to being able to drink from a glass … the only way is up now, dear!)

The lighting was perfect and a dreamy dribble of dry ice rippled over the stage as he chose to sing another of Crusty’s all time favourites; this time from the colossal catalogue of the late, great Luther Vandross, ‘Dance With My Father Again’. An absolutely sublime performance; a mixture of maturity, emotion and crystal clear vocals. ¡Bravísimo cariño!

One was quite undone and feeling very limp by this stage, after such a trilogy of performances, however several olives and a couple of blinis with smoked salmon, sour cream and chives later and one found the strength to continue.

Part two arrived and Cheryl’s aquatic apparel clearly still had a yearning to be near water. As the delicious Dermott got the show underway, she scuttled back to her chair having satisfied her garments need to dangle it’s scaly fins over the water in the toilet bowl.

The order of performance was to be maintained throughout, so first to perform with the secret list of singing superstars (that had already been revealed in the week’s press) was Dolly. With an incredible back drop of throbbing bulbs she began the Nina Simone classic, ‘I’m Feeling Good’. Her performance was quite wonderful and when joined in the middle of the song by the gorgeous Michael Bublé, the end of the song built to a wonderful crescendo and the song was simply electric.

Next, Oily Mares. One must confess he did look rather nice in his dark suit and his turkey legs were certainly concealed by well cut fabric. A happy go lucky performance of that irritating Robbie Williams song, ‘Angels’, with the relaunching superstar in duet mode along side him. Despite having sung the song 9223 times and once in the bath, he managed to miss his cue for entry, but when he corrected himself a adequate karaoke-esque performance was provided (similar to two half-cut friends on a night out on the town and having a bit of a laugh to impress the laydeeeeeez).

One’s stunning little poppet, Joe, was centre stage next and his glorious version of ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. A lava-licious background on the screens and the golden glow of the lighting only highlighted him as the ingot of precious matter he truly is. Half way through, and time for his superstar introduction … the legend that is George Michael (One squealed at his iconic magnificence). It was as if Crusty was watching a pornographic film without the sex; two delicious specimens of manhood performing in the most thrilling way and almost making one reach for a cigarette afterwards. An utterly fabulous performance!

At this point, one felt one could not take anymore. Chu Me was having to fan one briskly while replenishing one’s beverages and nibbles at the same time (A marvel at multitasking, is he not?). As one began to cool down during the commercial break, part three arrived. Could one take any more?

Stacey appeared at the back of the stage in a short bejewel outfit with short skirt and flared out train. Looking absolutely enchanting, she belted out her Queen homage, ‘Who Wants To Live Forever’. The power from her lungs was such that the resulting blast of air almost caused Dannniiiiii and Simon’s foreheads to wrinkle.

Oily repeated his Tina Turner inspired ‘Fool In Love’. Certainly better than his previous performance, though his vocals at the start were a little shaky. His now seemingly personal dance troupe – the Oily Rags – helped give a tassle-tastic last performance.

After the shaking of an Oily tail-feather, things were brought down to end on a stunning ballad sung by juicy Joe McElderry; ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. It was an outstanding vocal interpretation, again packed with emotion and soul, so rare in one so young and gorgeous. Three songs delivered with utter perfection.

As the nation reached for the telephone, it was time for a ‘musical’ interlude with the return to stage of Robbie Williams (This time, starting on cue). Then it was results time!

Who was going to be the person to be taken from the competition on this thrilling night?

First through … Oily Mares. One’s heart was pounding as one grasped the well filled drawers of the bow-legged tall boy for support. Then … tick, tick, tick ... Joe!!!! (Good show!!!).

As we said goodbye to the lovely Stacey, Chu Me and I raised a glass of Pere Ventura Cava and toasted her fabulousness. One thinks Dermott said it best, “You’re a proper lady, Stacey!”

She most certainly is, dear! The question is, however, who will be our X Factor King on Sunday night?