X Factor 2009 - Week 1; The Competition is Afoot.

Well, the X Factor competition for 2009 has finally got under way; On Saturday 10th October the stage was set and was festooned with illuminata; lots of flashing lights and such fancy and the 12 finalists were, I’m quite sure, waiting nervously behind the scenes preparing themselves to come out and perform to the nation. Week one was evidently a cloaked homage to Robbie I’m-a-Cheeky-Chappy Williams and why not … he managed to turn up after all, so why not churn out a few of his ditties as if they were classics.

The four judges made a special effort for the first show, although one feels the ladies slightly over did things. Danniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard’s sticking) was wrapped in a relatively sobre number for her, though her hair seemed to possess a pair of handles for some reason; one certainly noticed more animation in the upper quadrant of her eyebrow expanse so perhaps these handles were a safety device should facial droopage occur; one quick hoist and normality would be restored.

Cheryl y’-nailed-it Cole decided on something gold with an opened umbrella merged into the skirtal section. At first, one thought she had raided the front lavatory at Crusty Hall - where one has an equally plastic doll dressed in something similar covering the spare roll of toilet paper - however, having sent Chu Me immediately to check, one found she must have actually bought it herself.

There were brief words uttered from the long running Creative Director of the show, Brian Friedman; one is rather mystified by this creative little poppet; with each new series the man looks more like the Star Wars character Yoda - particularly when dressed in a hoody and a pair of leg warmers.

Anyhoo … the finalists’ time had come.

First to take the stage, the ravishingly gorgeous Rachel Adedeji. Like a 21st Century Adeva she took to a Perspex-staired box in vertigolicious heels and belted out the Robbie Williams “classic” Let Me Entertain You and entertain us she did. A delightful performance with only one criticism from Simon Cowell; “Your makeup is horrible”. Constructive criticism indeed for such a talent show; one never knew the contestants had to have a year’s work experience on the makeup counter at Boots before auditioning.

Kandy Rain followed with Addicted to Love and one has to say, one has a bit of a soft spot for this spirited foursome. However, comments of rancid poison spouted forth from Danniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard’s sticking) and Cheryl y’nailed it Cole; “Y’ say yus are tryin t’ leeev y’ past b’hind yus- like - then y’s come oot heea dressin’- like - al prov-oc-a-tive-ly!” (one could almost see her little fingers counting the syllables under the table). One found it all quite ironic in a way; here we had two judges who had no talent but managed to look like strippers and then four actual strippers who managed to have talent … it really is quite ying and yang, is it not?

Never mind, as one sat back and lifted one's glass of gin from the bow-legged tallboy by one’s side it was time for the next act. This time Oily Mares, singing She’s the One; another ££Ching! for Mr. Williams. A very acceptable delivery, in his own style. He’s such a warm and friendly person, Robbie took to Oily immediately and a coffee was to be shared after the show (time to buy a new hat, me thinks!).

Cannelloni – our little persistent Scot made a valiant effort singing Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black but as he stood in front of the judges with the silly Bill-and-Ben-esque hat on his oversized cranium, one thought one was going to be sold a second hand car so lost one's interest.

Stacey Solomon did Dagenham proud and though she may be able to talk the hind legs off a donkey she still has an utterly fabulous voice despite singing a Coldplay song.

Miss Frank – three little poppets flung together in the name of creativity – were next with the Michael Jackson song Who’s loving You and were rather splendid. As he lay back in his chair, Simon was very rude and called the two taller ladies ‘bookends’; well, I suppose his experience of bookends would be infinite having spent so much time with Sinitta (she apparently has a big red GTO … quite frankly, it wouldn’t surprise me with that one!).

Jamie Archer performed adequately although one is tiring slightly of the rather long handkerchief hanging out of his back pocket.

Lloyd no-relation-to-Paul Daniels sang Cry Me A River. When one heard it one thought, “That sounds nothing like Dinah Washington!”, but Chu Me advised me that it was the Justin Timberlake song. Dear, sweet, gorgeous Lloyd was afraid about hitting the high notes but one thinks he managed quite admirably bearing in mind he’s at that age where the bean bags of youth will no doubt have started to drop in his downstairs area. North East intellectual Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole exclaimed over a screaming studio audience, “ Y’ ganna have a lot o’ girls cryin’ a lotta rivas owa yee” (well one suspects there will be an element of over moistness from fan's smitten apertures)

Lucie Jones – recently descended from the hills of Wales - sang a “great pop song” by Leona Lewis; in actual fact it was a mediocre pop song by one of Simon’s signings. Cheryl gave the benefit of her musical wisdom, “Y’ have t' be really brayuv t’ tackle Leona.” (Give Crusty a pair of rugby boots, dear and she’ll give it a try!). Needless to say, fabulous voice although the “great song” was slightly poo.

John & Edward provided an ideal opportunity for a visit to the lavatory. Really! The gorgeous Gok Wan can carry off a saggy crotched pair of trousers, but really on ones so young and annoying it will surely only lead to ASBOs.

The North East’s little Cherub, Joe McElderry, was sublime. Gorgeous teeth, delightfully attired, skin as soft as a velvet mitten and the effortless voice of an angel; quite the little stud-muffin who caused immensely pleasurably tingles in one’s downstairs area throughout his entire performance.

Danyl Johnson ended the show and was practically outed by Dannnniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard is sticking). This vile attack was following a story in the News of the World where Danyl had admitted his liked a munch of the heavenly man-biscuit as well a little lady-trifle. Well, he looks the type … with those smouldering looks and puppy eyes, he could take his pick, I’m sure.

Despite everyone thinking the Devil’s children would be voted off first, the British public voted off Kandy Rain; now, we have to endure the duo all over again next week.

To make matter worse, Delicious Dermott announced Cheryl will be singing live on week 2’s show (err, let’s wait and see, shall we?); Also, Whitney-the-Poo will be singing her latest offering… honestly, if the producers don't want one to watch, all they have to do is say!

Let the battle continue ...