Dame Burley Chassis and the BBC Electric Proms.

One awoke on Sunday morning quite late and having got dressed, made one’s way down the grand staircase to the dining room. Chef was preparing breakfast this particular morning as Chu Me’s cock had been a little lax recently; the hens hadn’t been laying, you see.

Naturally, one took one’s place at the head of the dining table and, soon after, Chu Me entered to open the doors of the antique television cabinet in the far corner. He took his place at the opposite end and we waited for Chef’s delights.

As one scanned the listings on the televisual display, one noticed that the BBC Electric Proms were on; on this particular morning, it was Dame Burley Chassis being wheeled out to entertain us.

Do you know, poppets? Many years ago one received pleasure from listening to our little Tiger Bay Temptress until, that is, she attacked the uber-delicious Tina Turner at one of her dinner parties. She ridiculed the very high note Tina had to sing during the song Goldeneye: poor Tina wasn’t even there to defend herself!

But, poppets, let us be frank, cover a lighthouse in a shimmering evening dress, fling a feather boa round it and wait for a foggy day and Dame Burley may find she has a little competition. Plus of course, the gorgeous Tina can still manage to strut her magnificent gazelle-like self across a stage and perhaps there is a degree of jealousy from our viper from the valleys.

Anyhoo … from that day on, one gave all one’s Burley Chassis CDs to Ida Rash – she has the village charity shop with her siblings, Hedda and Ivor– to dispense with as she saw fit.

Dressed in an outfit clearly donated by a doting drag queen, she worked the stage as only she knows how; close ups revealed facial construction had been applied to a satisfactory micron setting and hair was teased into an acceptable style. The usual array of songs were presented – Goldfinger, Diamonds are Forever etc., and at one point, during Big Spender, she began to lower herself by bending her legs, eventually ending up with her rather substantial buttocks resting on her heels. One gasped, jerked forward and grabbed the edge of the dining table. Chu Me dropped his 18ct gold chop sticks with a clatter against his porcelain plate, anticipating a state of emergency.

“Goodness!” One screamed, “She’ll never manage to …why, it’ll be like raising the Titanic with no water!”

Then, relief … she did … whether by luck, an insurmountable rush of adrenalin or some clear nylon strings attached from above, she executed a stiletto-controlled lift and managed to get herself upright again (now that is something you won’t see on David Attenborough’s ‘Life’).

There were a few other worrying moments during her performance too; despite putting considerable effort into popping her hips out to Kiss Me Honey, Honey and Big Spender, there sadly came no movement, and thus valuable energy was lost. Indeed, the foolish attempts could well have led to her hips actually popping out… and one certainly doesn’t wish to see real-time hip displacement from a former icon during a pelvic thrust.

Nevertheless, the short set she gave the crowd was tolerable and, one must say, it was quite ingenious how her bingo wings brought an additional percussion element to the orchestration, cracking like whips in time to the music.