X Factor (Week 4) - What a Malarkey!

This week the nation was to be subjected to Rock Week. Due to the very nature of the genre, Crusty opted not to use the Ballroom to enjoy this stage of the competition. Naturally, one didn’t want such powerful vibrations rattling though one’s crystal chandeliers. So, instead, one settled oneself in the Drawing Room.

Simon and Louise were – as always – dapperly dressed in black suits with their poppies poignantly placed in their button holes.

Dannnniiiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard’s sticking) opted for a full length gown with an over-locked slit up the side of the skirtal area and a bare shoulder brazenly being displayed. Sadly, she appeared not to have hung her balls in the closet and, as a result, a flutter of moths had stopped off to feast on the glittering fabric; there were holes munched out of the entire area located north of the waistline.

Cheryl – by no means an icon of fashion – chose an utterly ridiculous black mini affair accessorised with a pair of Simon’s thigh length, poly-blend winter socks. The garment was extremely tight and highly inappropriate but – whether by luck or by good management – she managed to find time to stop by a Spanish funeral and pinch two of the lady-mourner’s abanicos (fans) and glue them to her hooters in order to finish the ensemble.

Just as one thought one wouldn’t enjoy an hour and three quarters of ‘Rock’, one’s heart was lifted above the clouds when one’s South Shields Sexpot, Joe McElderry was introduced. One dug one’s fingernails into Chu Me’s arms and screamed until the Royal Worcester collection rattled in its display cabinet. As one saw him gyrating away on one’s 32 incher, he certainly managed to rock one’s box, I can tell you, despite a pair of lead-hoofed dancers flinging themselves around behind him.

Lucie Jones metamorphosised into a vixen from the valleys this week, to give us Guns ‘n’ Roses ‘Sweet Child of Mine’. She stormed around the glitterlicious stage like a true rock princess. Cheryl was certainly impressed and as she gave her comments her voice reached harpy-esque levels only the canine world could hear.

The third rocker of the night was Danyl Johnson (he who has a penchant for man-biscuit as well as lady-trifle). Danyl had a bit of a blow last week (but not in that way) after finding himself in the bottom two. Crusty was outraged, however, that our gorgeous puppy-eyed pop-hopeful had been branded more hated than Hitler by our nation’s media. This is absolute nonsense when there are people like Jan Moir (the manly-shouldered Daily Mail ‘journalist’ with the broad facial expanse of a Bull Mastiff), Peter Peggy-on-a-Sunday Mandelson and Nick Griffin.

Yoda Friedman offered Danyl his support during the week of rehearsals – for what that was worth - and as Danyl took to centre stage it was as if he had walked into the newsagents of music but all his notes were placed on the top shelf and, despite valiant efforts, he was just a little too short to reach them. All in all, he seemed lost. One feels we need a Hi-NRG week: get Danyl to sing an Eartha Kitt number in a pair of sequined black budgie-smugglers and one is quite sure his popularity would be resurrected.

Next we saw Lloyd no-relation-to-Paul Daniels sitting centre stage on a golden throne, singing Kate Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl’. As he performed it, it seemed his entire epidermal expanse was covered with lipstick kisses and at one point a cheeky little dancing minx appeared to grab his crotchal area. Thankfully the protection of his denimwear protected him and a shocked slip into a high C was avoided.

Danniiiii thought his voice was drowned out by the track and one thought what a shame the track wasn’t playing when she was giving us her opinion. What a boon that would have been!

Dolly Dagenham was contestant number 5; This week Yoda used his creative skills to give Stacey a choreographed routine to satisfy Simon. However, as her glorious voice pierced the aural canals of the audience, we discovered Yoda’s routine comprised of her putting one foot in front of the other … walking, in actual fact!

Jamie Archer wanted to give something a little special and not the normal pub-rocker performance. At the last minute, however, nerves must have got the better of him and it was the latter that he delivered. As he ‘got his rocks off’ in front of the audience, one noticed the return of the table cloth hanging from his buttock pocket and wondered how many more he could possibly have to display from his rectal region.

For some inexplicable reason Dannnniiiiiiiiii decided to bring the tempo down for the delicious Rachel Adedeji this week. A dreadful song choice – U2’s ‘One Love’ – which Rachel managed to salvage with her fabulous vocal interpretation; a soulful sea of sumptuousness, one must say.

Then, one was troubled as one prepared oneself for the next act. One could hear the music but for some reason – as one banged the remote control against one’s bow-legged tall boy – one appeared to be watching David Attenborough’s ‘Life’ and footage of two Giant Pandas. As one wondered where they had hidden their bamboo canes, Chu Me informed me it was, in reality, the Brothers Grime on screen.

As the leather-clad Pop-Pandas stomped around the stage, frantically grasping for a note they could hit, one noticed the arc of flames at the back of the stage and the bursts of fire shooting out from the front. It was then one realised one was in Hell.

During her comments, Danniiiiii revealed she looked forward to seeing the twins each week (try carrying a photo, dear!) and when the delicious Dermott asked how they were coping with the bad press, they told us they just took it on the chin (Chu Me! One’s boxing gloves and a horseshoe, if you please!).

Our final performance of the evening was the broad-shouldered Oily Mares. Yoda had concerns about his timidity, but as he took to the stage, with his muscular, manly shoulders straining against his denim shirt and his legs flapping about in his Marcel Marceau tribute pants, his performance of a Beatles classic was quite superb. Though, one doesn’t know if Oily has the X Factor, when he ripped open his shirt to expose his pectoral plane, he certainly developed the Oooohhh Factor here at Crusty Hall.

The result on the following day surely came as a blow to the entire nation. Chi Chi and Chan Chan got through and it was the lovely Lloyd and raunchy Rachel who were to face the judges decision to eliminate. Lloyd tried his best during the sing-off, despite a sore throat and croaking in the middle of his lines, while Rachel sang sublimely. However, although Simon had the deciding vote and had not been greatly impressed with Lloyd since the start, he put the vote to the public and it was good-bye Rachel!! What on earth is going on?!

One is now of the opinion the whole malarkey is becoming ridiculous and is proving to be only on our screen to generate money for the Cowell empire and not to give Her Majesty’s realm a true talent to proudly hold to its bosom.

This is a talent competition ! We are to find someone who can blow one’s tights off ! Trust Crusty's wisdom when one tells you the Dung Poo Pandas do not fall into that category.

X Factor (Week 3) - Westlife and Big Band Bublé

Last Saturday night, Chu Me and the household staff made the preparations in the ballroom for the 3rd instalment of X-Factor; nibbles were placed in the bar adjoining the ballroom and the glitter ball was twisting at a satisfactory velocity.

Tonight, the lovely Louise was returning after his two week absence following the tragic and untimely death of little pop poppet, Stephen Gately. And what a miss he was.

The theme for this week was Big Band. Songs from the glittering showrooms of Las Vegas and the vocal chords of greats such as Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. The gorgisimus Michael Bublé was holding the master classes for week 3, so our hopefuls were in very safe hands.

The judges were well turned out. In particular Simon and Louise. Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole - for once - wore an outfit that looked like a dress and not the pieces of fruit and lampwear she had opted for in previous weeks; sadly, the effect was spoilt by rather scraggy hair. The hairstylist behind the scenes, clearly giving up at the very last minute, simply placed a giant glittering clamp to the side of her head.

Dannniiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking) went for a costume appropriate for Big Band night and successfully managed to look like someone born in the 1930s, though one feels the dress was surplus to requirements.

First to entertain the nation ... Oily Mares. 'Bewitched' was a wonderful song choice to start off the evening. Two witches moved in time to the music, but thankfully managed to get their breaths back before giving their comments. Oily certainly had a ball and relaxed totally throughout his performance.

Lloyd no-relation-to-Paul Daniels followed on with one of Crusty’s all time favourites; 'Fly Me To The Moon'. His soothing tones were quite wonderful and as he performed a back flip - like a well dressed Ninja – one squealed with delight and applauded his athletic prowess.

Louise wasn’t at all impress with the back flip but on a positive note, began with, “If I was doing a boy band in the morning I’d sign you up…”, (If you were ‘doing’ a boy band in the morning, dear, one suspects you’d need plenty of stamina, a party pack of condoms and a bottle of mouthwash!).

Miss Frank gave us their modernised attitude-filled version of 'That’s Life' and for the first time in the competition their voices were as harmonious as a Chav with a Burberry baseball cap. One was put off slightly when Graziella started rapping, but a few lines in and one was quite taken with the addition to the arrangement.

After having to suffer the first two weeks in the bottom two, one was concerned about Rachel Adedeji. The poor poppet had been devastated. However, one thinks a lot of her problems were down to poor song choice from her mentor, Dannniiiiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking). One needn’t have worried; she took to the stage with her hair down and adorned in sparkling glitterati and began to trumpet out 'Proud Mary'. As Crusty reproduced the famous Tina Turner dance routine in the ballroom – kitchen staff as one’s dance troupe – one marvelled at the power of Miss Adedeji’s voice. Quite outstanding!

Jamie Aerosmith Archer followed with an outrageous U2 song!! U2?!! One would support Louise one hundred percent; it was Big Band week and a time to let rip with some of the classics of yesteryear, not to pick a song and simply stick a big band behind it.

Was it Sinatra? No: was it Vegas? No: as for swinging … what our internationally famous anti-poverty popsters get up to in their personal lives is not of one’s concern. On a positive note there was no sign of table cloths or over sized handkerchiefs hanging from his buttocks, so that was a boon.

A lively debate erupted between Louise and Simon, which ended with Simon jibing,”I don’t think you’re in a position to say anything with the two little horrors that are coming up next.” A shiver went down one’s spine and dispersed through one’s downstairs area as one thought Dannniiiiiii and Cheryl were to perform a duet, but then realised Simon was referring to the Brothers Grime.

With Dolly Dagenham, one had thought a Barbara Streisand number would be appropriate; a nice show tune. However, her mentor thought something different and we were given 'When You Wish Upon a Star'. Looking utterly gorgeous in her full length frock and advertising a figure any woman would stop eating chips for, she sang her little heart out to her son – Zach - across the televisual waves. Generally, her remarks were good, however Simon began on a negative note, “You looked better than you sounded, tonight.” (Mirror for Mr Cowell!).

Danyl Johnson (he who has a penchant for man-biscuit as well as lady-trifle) overdid his performance somewhat. One gets the impression he knows he had the X-Factor some years ago and is merely going through the motion until he gets his lapel badge and gilded certificate

Then delicious Dermott introduced the next contestant and one clapped one’s hands rapidly and squealed with excitement. Indeed, one found it quite a holy moment; as if a musical Moses had come to a sea of melodic mediocrity and moved his hands to part its waves to reveal? … One’s little Geordie poppet …Joe McElderry. Enveloped in a gorgeous double-breasted suit, he performed the classic 'Sway' superbly. His vocal vibrations rippled across one’s velvety flesh like iced water and one was forced to sit down during the audience’s ecstatic applause and grab hold of one's fan.

Lucie Jones was our penultimate act and deliciously sang 'My Funny Valentine' in a striking red dress. Her emotion, for one so young, was simply exquisite.

Then, the moment the nation had been dreading. It was the Brothers Grime; John and Edward. This week singing the Big Band (?) number 'She Bangs'. Sadly their pre-pubescent maturity, or lack thereof, did not allow them to comprehend the meaning of the song fully. However, that didn’t seem to matter as they gave a totally inexcusable performance anyway. One suspects the uberlicious Ricki Martin was selling the rights to the song as the performance stretched out. It is quite clear that these two do not even have Max Factor, let alone the X Factor!

Needless to say, the following night – on the results show – the British public voted for Bill and Ben (the annoying twin men) to go through to the following week. Corseted Miss Frank and overdone Danyl were subjected to the public vote and it was good-bye Miss Frank.

Heaven only knows what will happen next week!

X Factor 2009 - Week 1; The Competition is Afoot.

Well, the X Factor competition for 2009 has finally got under way; On Saturday 10th October the stage was set and was festooned with illuminata; lots of flashing lights and such fancy and the 12 finalists were, I’m quite sure, waiting nervously behind the scenes preparing themselves to come out and perform to the nation. Week one was evidently a cloaked homage to Robbie I’m-a-Cheeky-Chappy Williams and why not … he managed to turn up after all, so why not churn out a few of his ditties as if they were classics.

The four judges made a special effort for the first show, although one feels the ladies slightly over did things. Danniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard’s sticking) was wrapped in a relatively sobre number for her, though her hair seemed to possess a pair of handles for some reason; one certainly noticed more animation in the upper quadrant of her eyebrow expanse so perhaps these handles were a safety device should facial droopage occur; one quick hoist and normality would be restored.

Cheryl y’-nailed-it Cole decided on something gold with an opened umbrella merged into the skirtal section. At first, one thought she had raided the front lavatory at Crusty Hall - where one has an equally plastic doll dressed in something similar covering the spare roll of toilet paper - however, having sent Chu Me immediately to check, one found she must have actually bought it herself.

There were brief words uttered from the long running Creative Director of the show, Brian Friedman; one is rather mystified by this creative little poppet; with each new series the man looks more like the Star Wars character Yoda - particularly when dressed in a hoody and a pair of leg warmers.

Anyhoo … the finalists’ time had come.

First to take the stage, the ravishingly gorgeous Rachel Adedeji. Like a 21st Century Adeva she took to a Perspex-staired box in vertigolicious heels and belted out the Robbie Williams “classic” Let Me Entertain You and entertain us she did. A delightful performance with only one criticism from Simon Cowell; “Your makeup is horrible”. Constructive criticism indeed for such a talent show; one never knew the contestants had to have a year’s work experience on the makeup counter at Boots before auditioning.

Kandy Rain followed with Addicted to Love and one has to say, one has a bit of a soft spot for this spirited foursome. However, comments of rancid poison spouted forth from Danniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard’s sticking) and Cheryl y’nailed it Cole; “Y’ say yus are tryin t’ leeev y’ past b’hind yus- like - then y’s come oot heea dressin’- like - al prov-oc-a-tive-ly!” (one could almost see her little fingers counting the syllables under the table). One found it all quite ironic in a way; here we had two judges who had no talent but managed to look like strippers and then four actual strippers who managed to have talent … it really is quite ying and yang, is it not?

Never mind, as one sat back and lifted one's glass of gin from the bow-legged tallboy by one’s side it was time for the next act. This time Oily Mares, singing She’s the One; another ££Ching! for Mr. Williams. A very acceptable delivery, in his own style. He’s such a warm and friendly person, Robbie took to Oily immediately and a coffee was to be shared after the show (time to buy a new hat, me thinks!).

Cannelloni – our little persistent Scot made a valiant effort singing Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black but as he stood in front of the judges with the silly Bill-and-Ben-esque hat on his oversized cranium, one thought one was going to be sold a second hand car so lost one's interest.

Stacey Solomon did Dagenham proud and though she may be able to talk the hind legs off a donkey she still has an utterly fabulous voice despite singing a Coldplay song.

Miss Frank – three little poppets flung together in the name of creativity – were next with the Michael Jackson song Who’s loving You and were rather splendid. As he lay back in his chair, Simon was very rude and called the two taller ladies ‘bookends’; well, I suppose his experience of bookends would be infinite having spent so much time with Sinitta (she apparently has a big red GTO … quite frankly, it wouldn’t surprise me with that one!).

Jamie Archer performed adequately although one is tiring slightly of the rather long handkerchief hanging out of his back pocket.

Lloyd no-relation-to-Paul Daniels sang Cry Me A River. When one heard it one thought, “That sounds nothing like Dinah Washington!”, but Chu Me advised me that it was the Justin Timberlake song. Dear, sweet, gorgeous Lloyd was afraid about hitting the high notes but one thinks he managed quite admirably bearing in mind he’s at that age where the bean bags of youth will no doubt have started to drop in his downstairs area. North East intellectual Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole exclaimed over a screaming studio audience, “ Y’ ganna have a lot o’ girls cryin’ a lotta rivas owa yee” (well one suspects there will be an element of over moistness from fan's smitten apertures)

Lucie Jones – recently descended from the hills of Wales - sang a “great pop song” by Leona Lewis; in actual fact it was a mediocre pop song by one of Simon’s signings. Cheryl gave the benefit of her musical wisdom, “Y’ have t' be really brayuv t’ tackle Leona.” (Give Crusty a pair of rugby boots, dear and she’ll give it a try!). Needless to say, fabulous voice although the “great song” was slightly poo.

John & Edward provided an ideal opportunity for a visit to the lavatory. Really! The gorgeous Gok Wan can carry off a saggy crotched pair of trousers, but really on ones so young and annoying it will surely only lead to ASBOs.

The North East’s little Cherub, Joe McElderry, was sublime. Gorgeous teeth, delightfully attired, skin as soft as a velvet mitten and the effortless voice of an angel; quite the little stud-muffin who caused immensely pleasurably tingles in one’s downstairs area throughout his entire performance.

Danyl Johnson ended the show and was practically outed by Dannnniiiiii Minge (sorry my keyboard is sticking). This vile attack was following a story in the News of the World where Danyl had admitted his liked a munch of the heavenly man-biscuit as well a little lady-trifle. Well, he looks the type … with those smouldering looks and puppy eyes, he could take his pick, I’m sure.

Despite everyone thinking the Devil’s children would be voted off first, the British public voted off Kandy Rain; now, we have to endure the duo all over again next week.

To make matter worse, Delicious Dermott announced Cheryl will be singing live on week 2’s show (err, let’s wait and see, shall we?); Also, Whitney-the-Poo will be singing her latest offering… honestly, if the producers don't want one to watch, all they have to do is say!

Let the battle continue ...

X Factor Returns - The Competition is Afoot!

Well, my poppets, the contest is afoot and the X Factor has returned to our screens! Despite pleas from many quarters, it appears there is to be no change in the tired old judging panel (excluding the lovely Louise Walsh, of course).

In our second instalment, we saw a medley of outfits being worn by the female judges. One in particular caught Crusty’s eye. A creation flung on by Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole, which resembled something she could have ripped off an 86 year old pensioner as she was leaving her Tuesday night Bingo meet (the pensioner, not Mrs Cole); a paisley type affair with burgundy ruffles around neck and arm apertures. Quite bizarre, I can tell you! One has read articles written about our Geordie clotheshorse – by those who know no better - telling us how she dresses in a very ‘chic’ style; on scanning one’s keyboard, one can see how easily this typo can occur when the ‘C’ is so very close to the ‘S’ and the ‘T’.

Louise, thankfully looked very relaxed – one worries about him, you know? Simon, was…well … Simon and I do believe Dannniiiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking) was leaking bollocks ….(thank you, Chu Me!) …. B-o-t-o-x!

I know, one could hardly believe one’s eyes; one is convinced that at some stage of the proceedings two wrinkle lines appeared above her right eye brow as she attempted some unrecognisable facial expression.

Anyhoo … there have been some very interesting contestants so far. In particular, the trio of beauties known as Misfits singing their version of Brittle Spears’ ‘Toxic’; Having seen poor Brittle in live performances of the song, I had always had a desire to see lyrics and lips synchronize in harmony but never quite managed it with Brittle. Misfits satisfied one’s curiosity and their audition was magnificent. Crusty would not be at all surprised if they go all the way.

We shall see how the rest of the auditions go but one has to say, one is quite excited about this years competition.