Crusty and the Safari That Never Was.

Crusty always finds that our glorious nation’s makers of television programmes can be highly misleading when it comes to titles they give their containers of creativity.

For example, one was watching a Channel 4 programme the other evening and was completely and utterly bored with it. One perused the listings on one’s Sky guide and saw that the programme following the drivel on screen was entitled Shooting Cheryl Cole.

Well, there was a surge of excitement that oscillated through one’s skeletal structure: one utilised the Sky Plus pause button and sprang, like a gazelle, up the grand staircase to one’s dressing room. Once there, one pulled out a rather fetching kaki number from the walk-in wardrobe – last used on a Kenyan safari in 2001 – donned a matching kaki hat with corks hanging from the rim and one’s pair of handmade snakeskin cowboy boots. Dressed for the imminent hunt, one headed off back to the Drawing Room.

Chu Me had read one’s mind and prepared a pitcher of Gin and obtained one’s paint-ball gun (one always has it at hand to enthuse the household staff in their duties) and set it at the side of one’s chaise and he had stood two Yucca plants next to the screen to give a more authentic safari feel. Crotchet, my pussy, also appeared dressed for the occasion with his leopard skin collar. Purring contentedly he nuzzled down on one’s lap and we were set for our adventure.

Imagine one’s mammoth disappointment when one released the pause facility and discovered that the program was actually about her shooting a music video for her new and rather piss-poor single.

Crusty’s jaw dropped, as did one’s shoulders; Chu Me gave a tut, took the weapon back to the gun cupboard, disappointedly dragging his feet as he went and Crotchet padded out of the room with his head and tail lowered – indeed, one swears he let out a little pump of disgust as he turned left at the doorway and headed into the main hall.

Crusty felt betrayed and immediately sent an email of complaint to the company in question to change the title for future broadcasts to Watching Cheryl Cole Make A Music Video (But If You Have Something More Interesting To Do, You’re Not Missing Much).

One shall advise you, poppets, when one receives a reply