Charity Begins At Home ... But A Foolproof Plan Is Needed.

One would never intentionally read the Daily Mail, especially since that rancid article typed by the stubby little claws of Jan Moir regarding the untimely death of Stephen Gately, which was then printed the day before his funeral.

For those of you unfamiliar with her, she’s a portly, manly-shouldered woman with broad facial features like a Bull Mastiff. She has worked for various newspapers and even spent time as a restaurant critic for the Telegraph (and judging from photographs she certainly visited many and enjoyed many an evening of fine dining).

Anyhoo … One had Chu Me take one down to the village to buy some delicious pastries from the village bakers. The owner of the establishment, Pat Tissery, makes the most delightful baked products. Every morning, when she whips out her crusty baps and puts them on display on the top shelf of her shop window, the men folk rush from ever corner of our hamlet to lay their hands on them while they are still fresh, hot and moist.

This particular morning, Chu Me had ensured we arrived before the stampede and Pat - having seen the Bentley pull up outside - opened the door and ushered us in to let us wait in the warmth of the shop while her buns were beginning to rise.

On the counter in front of one, was a copy of the aforementioned litter tray liner and - to pass the time - one flicked through the pages (keeping one’s gloves on, naturally).

At the top tight hand corner of page 5, one was shocked to see an article with the title, ‘Wogan’s near-miss on Children In Need’

The article announced how Sir Terence Wogan (he of the monumental mound in his moleskins) had narrowly missed serious injury, during the broadcast of the recent fundraiser, when a huge chain plummeted from the ceiling and landed very close to him on the stage.

Sir Terry told both Mail reporters, Sara Nathan and Paul Revoir (Hmmm, a combined effort to write around 200 words…fancy!), “It was a huge chain. I heard this enormous crash and I turned around and there was a pile of chain about a couple of feet away from me.”

Drat! ... Well, we are constantly being told to get involved and do something different for Children in Need. Next year, one will just have to think of something a little more foolproof or carry out the operation with one's faithful houseboy.

One had thought of cancelling one’s pledge and asking for the money back but the cause is a worthy one and they did raise almost £18million on the night.