Little Pint-sized Hazel Blears

Surely I'm not the only one,
Who, each day, grows so much sadder,
That little pint-sized Hazel Blears
Is moving further up her ladder.

Leaving the comfort of her shoebox,
In the yard, at number 10,
She's now been placed in Cabinet,
With the likes of Hilary Benn.

For England, this is just not right!
It, simply, is not fair!
That we're forced to endure her insipid skin
And her VERY scary hair.

Indeed, spare a though for her colleagues,
When she stands to take the floor
And beats them to submission
With her industrial, motorised jaw.

For her, there are many issues,
Labour, itself, can do no wrong,
She never takes a breath for air
And her answers are far too long.

I, for one, have been driven mad,
At times, to the brink of tears,
By that annoying, gobby, know-it-all,
Little, pint-sized Hazel Blears.

Ruth Lorenzo Voted Off X-factor!!

I was shocked last night to see the muy guapa Ruth Lorenzo booted off X-factor. Even this morning, after half a bottle of Gin and 12 Calms my hands were still shaking and I have to say I am more than a little furious.

It was Britney night; the pop-princess had even managed to keep herself together long enough to make an appearance, dressed in little black shorts that it seemed her arse was eager to digest.

Anyhoo....each contestant had to sing two songs tonight and the first half was singing from the collection of Britney hits...the Britney songbook if you will. At first I was alarmed, as I didn't know how they would divide three songs between five acts but somehow they managed to scape up some more and the first half was saved.

Ruth and Alexandra, as per usual, were outstanding and if Crusty had to have a flutter on the winner of this years competition, she would have to put a knicker on the latter. Alexandra certainly has the X-Factor.

Poor little Eeyore struggled in his first song; he was a boy having to sing a girlie song. It didn't help that the track was unrecognisable from the rather shit arrangement but I truly believe that a boy whose balls have not dropped yet, should not be singing notes that low; there must surely be a Health and Safety regulation about it - there is for every frikkin' thing else!

JLS sang the one true Britney classic Hit Me Baby One More Time and I have to say that I rather liked it. I was a little confused when I saw the rail in the middle of the stage and at first wondered if this was going to be a rendition of Big Spender from Sweet Charity but then breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the intro.

Diana Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers....well....she did her best....but the puncture in her windpipe continues to distract Crusty as do the faces she pulls while singing. I was also curious as to why a girl of her age had to have a comb-over?

I feel I must agree with Louise Walsh, that this little urchin never seems to do much; she never dances. This is not important apparently according to Simon Cowell but to have the X-Factor, one needs to be an all-rounder and not just someone who drags their sweaty bare feet across the highly polished surface of a stage.

There is one disturbing matter about Diana Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers that I do feel needs investigation. When she speaks I am convinced it is Sophie Webster from Coronation Street! "It's sooooo nice to be 'ere and am soooooooooooooo luckay.....please vote for may 'cause av got a videoooo of Carla kissing Liam and m' dad will give you a half price service on y'car."

The second part of the show was American Pop Classics, although I feel the judges idea of classics and the rest of us are hugely different.

Ruth started the proceedings and was incredible; the emotion burst forth like a tsunami of tears and I felt for the girl.

Next JLS came out and harmonised beautifully, singing their little hearts out. I was amazed at Miss Plastique's (Daniiiiiiii) comment, "I wasn't too keen on the outfits." Me thinks Miss-live-on-the-back-of-the-fame -of-my-sister must not have a mirror in her dressing room; some of the creations this one has been trussed up in over the last few weeks made many a fashion designer swallow domestic bleaching products and cut off their drawing hands.

Alexandra, for her second tack, sang Find My Own from Dreamgirls. Crusty has only one thing to say about this performance...ORGASMIC!!!

Then Eeyore was up singing some piece of poo that certainly could not be put into the "Classic" bracket but did, as last week, allow him to have an entourage of backing singers to enhance his weak vocals.

Then finally Diane Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers murdered her second piece. The less said about that, the better.

After the contestants sang for their supper we were treated to a "very special guest"...Miley Cyrus.......sorry.....who? A pre-pubescent rock chicklette singing a typical American track while publicly proving that she could count up to 4. If this is the daughter of the country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, then I would have preferred to hear Achy-Breaky Heart.

Then we had to wait for the votes. As Crusty's ample heaving bosom grew ever stronger, the results show arrived later that evening.

Here we were...what's the right word?...honoured?...priveledged?...no....subjected (that's it)....to Britney Spears singing what, can only loosely be described as a song, to the frenzied audience. After the rapturous applause, Dreamy Dermott had the opportunity of asking the pop-princess some questions, at which point all her intelligence illuminated the room like a torch with the power of a million candles (R.R.P. £3.99 on any shopping channel):

Dermott: You've been sitting backstage listening to the acts covering your songs, what did you think?

Britney: Oh I love being over here in London, I love it here.

Dermott: Have you any advice for the contestants?

Britney: Blonde

Dermott: What time is it, love?

Britney: Size 8


A new acquaintance of Dame Crusty, Lady Ophelia Buttocks, recently suggested that the show was in fact NOT a talent show but simply entertainment and I certainly think she has stuck the tassel on the nipple. For Ruth to be booted off and Diane VRWK and Eeyore to be left on is a scandal and I am now of the thought that my dear Buttocks is correct and I should not take the program seriously.

Ruth, te saludamos....we salute you! Your singing career will go from strength to strength and you WILL be an international superstar. Crusty will be pitching her tent outside HMV on Monday morning waiting to buy your first album.

Robert Kilroy Silk - IACGMOOH

I was over the moon to hear that tangerine skinned TV presenter, politician, whatever-the-hell-he-is-these-days Robert Kilroy-Silk has, in the words of his previous piss-poor gameshow, been shafted from the celebrity jungle.

I am so pleased that, despite his attempt to get back on our screens and be charismatic and gain the love of the nation, that they have, inturn, shown him what a total and utter waste-of-piss he is.

Crusty salutes the British public!

Vanessa Feltz - Hole in the Wall

Crusty has just been watching the atrocious pile of poo Hole in the Wall on BBC1. Tonight we were blessed with the sight of Vanessa Feltz in silver lycra...

Note to self....Don't forget to order the Christmas turkey from the butchers.....oh.....and remember the tin foil.

Damian Green Arrested by New Labour's Nanny State.

I was appalled last night while watching Question Time to hear of the arrest of Conservative MP Damian Green for his involvement in leaking information that had been passed to him by a Home Office whistleblower.

The Metropolitan Police sent anti-terrorist officers to search Mr. Green's home and his offices and at present his email facility is frozen so his constituents are unable to contact their elected representative.

If ever there were proof needed that the political party that is running our country is turning us into a nanny state by the back door, here we have it dancing in front of us with it's two fingers held high and its genitalia on display and dangling low.

In an interview, Gordon Brown - the one we think has a part-time job with GMTV as he spends so much time on it - told Sky News: "I had no prior knowledge, the home secretary had no prior knowledge, I know of no other minister who had any prior knowledge. I knew about it only after it had happened."

Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary who has an answer for everything and knows everything [cough] except about this, has furiously scrubbed her hands of the whole affair. [the words, of, load and bollocks are springing to mind]

It would appear the whole world and it's mother knew what was happening except the people who should have known.

Let Crusty make one thing - to use a Jacqui Smithonym - perfectly clear. Our politicians are elected by the people of this country to represent their constituencies. They are our voices in the pot-of-shit known as Parliament. Since the New Labour monster entered the halls of power we have had nothing but spin, lies and cover ups and when asked a specific question about something that may be embarrassing, transform into a Star Trek type vessel; "Shit shields at maximum" and the question is deflected.

" The real question is ....."; no dear, the real question is the one you've just been asked not the one you've stayed up all night trying to rehearse.

It would appear that Damian Green was arrested on suspicion of "conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office" and "aiding and abetting, counselling or procuring misconduct in a public office".

Well now...isn't that a nipple pincher? The police might as well go and arrest the majority of the Government, especially Mandelson; one can perhaps see the residue of his pink poison stuck to this event. He's enough to make Dame Crusty want to turn straight!!

If any politician of any colour or persuasion can manage to obtain information from a whistleblowing source which contradicts the spin and bollocks spouted forth by our Government and it does not jeopardise national security, then as a British subject I DEMAND that those politicians be allowed to use it. It is their Parliamentary right and duty to hold the Government of the day to account.

Mr Green, you have Dame Crusty's support and I would hope the support of my Crustettes.

Dame Crusty reviews SealSoul by Seal.

Dame Crusty was rooting through her knicker draw the other day and came across a crumpled £10 note; it was attached to the string of the diamonte encrusted thong I had used when last on holiday.

I had to think for a while how on earth it managed to get there, stuck to some unknown bodily residue. Then I remembered ... a rather forward young man stuck it there the first and only day I wore the aforementioned item as I writhed and undulated my hips on the local beach. He thought I was performing an erotic dance, when in fact I was trying to stop the gusset string cutting through me like a cheesewire.

Anyhoo....I pondered for a while on what I could spend my new found wealth on and then later, in my local Tesco, I came across the new album by Seal; SealSoul.

I bought it and raced home to slide it into my slot and find out what he could do for me.

The first track began, the Sam Cooke classic A Change is Gonna Come. Seal sings this beautifully with all the feeling and sentimentality it deserves; I knew I was in for a something special.

As I listened to this first track I noticed the second was I Can't Stand the Rain. I remembered the last version of this, sung by the legend Tina Turner, so in homage to the icon, I donned my laced leather bodice, my TT hairpiece and 6" black stilettos ready to strut around my bedroom.

The moment arrived but it wasn't the same hard sound as the delightful Miss T's. Instead, it was a more soulful, more funky affair and a perfect choice.

When the third track started, the James Brown standard It's a Man's Man's Man's World, something strange happened to me. As soon as the orchestrated punchy intro started I was blown off my feet onto my faux-fur covered bed. As the maestro sung his heart out, I lapsed into a state of pre-orgasmic joy. My false eyelashes dropped from their fixtures, one by one my false nails pinged from each finger and shot across the room (two just narrowly missing my pussy...luckily he's still young and managed to dodge the projectiles) and my leather laced bodice was magically undone and ripped apart.

I felt violated and dirty.......and I loved it!!!

I lay there for the remainder of the album taking in all the fantastic arrangements by David Foster and marvelled at the way in which Sir Seal's voice and Foster's production blended beautifully.

The interpretation of the old Knock on Wood is well worth a listen and and the tracks Free and If You Don't Know Me By Now suit his velvety voice magnificently.

On his website, Seal mentions that some fans have twisted their tight-arsed noses (Crusty's words not Seal's) up at him for singing cover versions. I would tend to concur with Mr. Seal; his voice is incredible and we deserve to hear him sing some of the collection of other wonderful material from years gone by and artists he admires. This man will become a great - and in a very short space of time - he should not be pigeon-holed into performing one genre of music.

I advise and urge all lovers of soul music to forget about buying Christmas presents for the family and concentrate on buying this album for oneself.

Edwina Currie - GMTV Consumer Champion

GMTV has recruited the formidable Edwina Currie as their consumer champion.

I was enthralled yesterday morning at the Rottweiller method she used on a furniture company in Wales who had sold ... well ... a piece of shite ... to a local family.

Edwina used her investigative MP skills to question the mother of the family on what had happened. After gathering all her evidence, she sprang to the telephone and called the offending company. What followed next was the most incredible television I have witnessed since [fill in the blank].

If you have a dicky ticker please read on with caution!

The following is not an exact transcript but I feel it holds all the suspense and tension that was evident in the piece:

E.C. : Hello is that Fur*?=[@;*re Limited

Saleswoman: Yes

E.C. : My name is Edwina Currie from GMTV and I'm calling about a complaint, can I speak to the store manager please?

Saleswoman: I'm sorry, he's not in today.

E.C. : Well it's about a complaint regarding the Clampets (for want of a better name). Are you aware of the history?

Saleswoman: No, you'd be better speaking to the manager about that, but he's not in today. He's back tomorrow.

E.C: He's back tomorrow, is he?

Saleswoman: Yes.

E.C. : Then I shall call tomorrow.

My heart's still pounding in my chest as I type and my smalls could do with a good scrub....


NEXT WEEK: Edwina books in her car for a service. A loyal and trusty Crustette has stolen a sneak preview:

E.C.: Good morning, can I book my car in for a service?

Jim: Not this week, love!

E.C: Then I shall call back next week.

Mark Warr - Save the Tyne Tees Totty

It has been brought to Crusty's attention that there is a potential disaster in the pipeline.

You will recall that ITV has "hit the fan" and are having to make some drastic cut backs. The axe of fate is hovering over the whole company and employees are having to re-apply for their positions and prove their worth.

Here in the North East of England (God love it!), we are proud of many of the presenters we have, both on the BBC and ITV; Her Serene Highness Carol Malia, Colin Briggs (he of the sou'westerlies) and Tyne Tees' own pin-up, Mark Warr (pictured). Of course, there are also others tethered to the other end of the farm yard, such as dear old Bob Johnson....one always hoped his "skitey bits" would turn carnivorous and decide on a slap up meal.

Anyhoo...Mark is now in fear for his job and...quite frankly...I think it is outrageous! I remember the first morning I saw this little hotty on my 28 incher.....I thought my waterbed had sprung a leak...I was saturated! Those boyish good looks, that cheeky smile and that natural charm oozed from every pixel. It was one of those moments I will remember for the rest of my life.

Do we want Mark to be axed, to be tossed out onto the street after his years of dedication, to be slapped across the dish for having to get up at God-only-knows what time in the morning to appear fresh faced and bushy tailed before the viewers?...I would suggest not and I want all my little Crustettes to bombard Tyne Tees studios with emails to save him and ensure that Tyne Tees has a true professional fronting it's news...For God's sake, when this man sits in front of the camera, he practically makes love to it!

We support you Mark!

X-Factor

Well, I don't know about anyone else but Crusty was stuck to her seat last night with the thrilling episode of X-Factor...and it wasn't just because she was wearing crotchless knickers or that Dermott O'Leary was in fine form either: now that we are getting to the final weeks one can almost taste the excitement!

Is it just me though, or are there some of the contestants who just get on y' tits?

There, I said it... I know some of you out there have been thinking the same thing but were afraid to say it...but Crusty has taken off her 6" red sequinned stilleto shoe and driven the heel of tactlessness right through the glass coffee table of diplomacy!

Ogheaon...no...organ...no eoghan....oh whatever!! the one with the puppy-dog eyes, set in the over-sized head with the scary birdnest hair. I don't get it! the lad is certainly cutesie-wootsie in a pre-pubescent way but he can't sing and last nights attempt at singing a Take That song proved it.

"You went for those high notes and nailed them"...no dear, he had an army of backing singers helping him out. Let's here him sing it again without them.

Rachel - In the auditions this little secret volcano of vocals almost blew Crusty's tights off!! The story of her growing up - the drugs, the crime, the kids - was heart wrenching indeed. Then all sympathy went with the attitude and the gob that opened 24-7. Apart from a couple of belters I feel that the tunes, the pitch and Rachel were never to meet for a party. Thankfully, after the sing off, where the poor dear murdered the "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going" classic she was ejected from the stage; very silly choice of song - it's one of those that really once Jennifer Holliday (all hail her magnificence) sang it first, it should be left to her. Even Jennifer Hudson, bless her, tried in Dreamgirls but still didn't match the power and emotion of JH.

Alexandra - Crusty has taken a real shine to this super-star in the making...This babe rocks!!!

Ruth - ah...guapísima... esta chica está fantástica, sin duda... If Crusty was so inclined she would marry this girl. Stunning and the voice of thunder yet bursting with feeling and sentimentality.

JLS - What a little foursome of hotties!! Everytime Crusty sees these boys she gets a little moist down below.

Diana Vickers (rhymes with knickers) - What the frikkin' hell is this!!! Apart from the fact that she has a puncture in her windpipe and ends every line with a squeak of air, she can't afford shoes. If she's trying to be radical, sorry love, you're too late it's been done before and by artists far greater than you. As for the hair, do us a favour, chicken, get yourself off to your local supermarket and buy yourself a brush...I've seen better hair on a drag queen after being beaten up by a bunch of skinheads

Anyhoo...we are now down to five, so stay tuned X-factorers.

I couldn't help notice the little battle that went on between Louise and Daniiiii which made the latter cry....but was she crying.?I have always said that if you hit this talentless-riding-on-the-back-of-the-fame-of-my-sister artist with a frying pan, the frying pan would come off worse, yet her level of plasticity has lessened over recent weeks and I suspect it was not tears but infact some biological agent used to keep her brow in place ; that, I fear, has been seeping out of her tear ducts and hence the improved facial animation above her gob.

I am now inclined to believe that the frying pan would not now be the worse off so please do not try the above at home.