Sunday, 30 November 2008

Ruth Lorenzo Voted Off X-factor!!

I was shocked last night to see the muy guapa Ruth Lorenzo booted off X-factor. Even this morning, after half a bottle of Gin and 12 Calms my hands were still shaking and I have to say I am more than a little furious.

It was Britney night; the pop-princess had even managed to keep herself together long enough to make an appearance, dressed in little black shorts that it seemed her arse was eager to digest.

Anyhoo....each contestant had to sing two songs tonight and the first half was singing from the collection of Britney hits...the Britney songbook if you will. At first I was alarmed, as I didn't know how they would divide three songs between five acts but somehow they managed to scape up some more and the first half was saved.

Ruth and Alexandra, as per usual, were outstanding and if Crusty had to have a flutter on the winner of this years competition, she would have to put a knicker on the latter. Alexandra certainly has the X-Factor.

Poor little Eeyore struggled in his first song; he was a boy having to sing a girlie song. It didn't help that the track was unrecognisable from the rather shit arrangement but I truly believe that a boy whose balls have not dropped yet, should not be singing notes that low; there must surely be a Health and Safety regulation about it - there is for every frikkin' thing else!

JLS sang the one true Britney classic Hit Me Baby One More Time and I have to say that I rather liked it. I was a little confused when I saw the rail in the middle of the stage and at first wondered if this was going to be a rendition of Big Spender from Sweet Charity but then breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the intro.

Diana Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers....well....she did her best....but the puncture in her windpipe continues to distract Crusty as do the faces she pulls while singing. I was also curious as to why a girl of her age had to have a comb-over?

I feel I must agree with Louise Walsh, that this little urchin never seems to do much; she never dances. This is not important apparently according to Simon Cowell but to have the X-Factor, one needs to be an all-rounder and not just someone who drags their sweaty bare feet across the highly polished surface of a stage.

There is one disturbing matter about Diana Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers that I do feel needs investigation. When she speaks I am convinced it is Sophie Webster from Coronation Street! "It's sooooo nice to be 'ere and am soooooooooooooo luckay.....please vote for may 'cause av got a videoooo of Carla kissing Liam and m' dad will give you a half price service on y'car."

The second part of the show was American Pop Classics, although I feel the judges idea of classics and the rest of us are hugely different.

Ruth started the proceedings and was incredible; the emotion burst forth like a tsunami of tears and I felt for the girl.

Next JLS came out and harmonised beautifully, singing their little hearts out. I was amazed at Miss Plastique's (Daniiiiiiii) comment, "I wasn't too keen on the outfits." Me thinks Miss-live-on-the-back-of-the-fame -of-my-sister must not have a mirror in her dressing room; some of the creations this one has been trussed up in over the last few weeks made many a fashion designer swallow domestic bleaching products and cut off their drawing hands.

Alexandra, for her second tack, sang Find My Own from Dreamgirls. Crusty has only one thing to say about this performance...ORGASMIC!!!

Then Eeyore was up singing some piece of poo that certainly could not be put into the "Classic" bracket but did, as last week, allow him to have an entourage of backing singers to enhance his weak vocals.

Then finally Diane Vickers-Rhymes-With-Knickers murdered her second piece. The less said about that, the better.

After the contestants sang for their supper we were treated to a "very special guest"...Miley Cyrus.......sorry.....who? A pre-pubescent rock chicklette singing a typical American track while publicly proving that she could count up to 4. If this is the daughter of the country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, then I would have preferred to hear Achy-Breaky Heart.

Then we had to wait for the votes. As Crusty's ample heaving bosom grew ever stronger, the results show arrived later that evening.

Here we were...what's the right word?...honoured?...priveledged? (that's it) Britney Spears singing what, can only loosely be described as a song, to the frenzied audience. After the rapturous applause, Dreamy Dermott had the opportunity of asking the pop-princess some questions, at which point all her intelligence illuminated the room like a torch with the power of a million candles (R.R.P. £3.99 on any shopping channel):

Dermott: You've been sitting backstage listening to the acts covering your songs, what did you think?

Britney: Oh I love being over here in London, I love it here.

Dermott: Have you any advice for the contestants?

Britney: Blonde

Dermott: What time is it, love?

Britney: Size 8

A new acquaintance of Dame Crusty, Lady Ophelia Buttocks, recently suggested that the show was in fact NOT a talent show but simply entertainment and I certainly think she has stuck the tassel on the nipple. For Ruth to be booted off and Diane VRWK and Eeyore to be left on is a scandal and I am now of the thought that my dear Buttocks is correct and I should not take the program seriously.

Ruth, te saludamos....we salute you! Your singing career will go from strength to strength and you WILL be an international superstar. Crusty will be pitching her tent outside HMV on Monday morning waiting to buy your first album.

No comments:

Post a Comment