Sunday, 23 November 2008


Well, I don't know about anyone else but Crusty was stuck to her seat last night with the thrilling episode of X-Factor...and it wasn't just because she was wearing crotchless knickers or that Dermott O'Leary was in fine form either: now that we are getting to the final weeks one can almost taste the excitement!

Is it just me though, or are there some of the contestants who just get on y' tits?

There, I said it... I know some of you out there have been thinking the same thing but were afraid to say it...but Crusty has taken off her 6" red sequinned stilleto shoe and driven the heel of tactlessness right through the glass coffee table of diplomacy! eoghan....oh whatever!! the one with the puppy-dog eyes, set in the over-sized head with the scary birdnest hair. I don't get it! the lad is certainly cutesie-wootsie in a pre-pubescent way but he can't sing and last nights attempt at singing a Take That song proved it.

"You went for those high notes and nailed them" dear, he had an army of backing singers helping him out. Let's here him sing it again without them.

Rachel - In the auditions this little secret volcano of vocals almost blew Crusty's tights off!! The story of her growing up - the drugs, the crime, the kids - was heart wrenching indeed. Then all sympathy went with the attitude and the gob that opened 24-7. Apart from a couple of belters I feel that the tunes, the pitch and Rachel were never to meet for a party. Thankfully, after the sing off, where the poor dear murdered the "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going" classic she was ejected from the stage; very silly choice of song - it's one of those that really once Jennifer Holliday (all hail her magnificence) sang it first, it should be left to her. Even Jennifer Hudson, bless her, tried in Dreamgirls but still didn't match the power and emotion of JH.

Alexandra - Crusty has taken a real shine to this super-star in the making...This babe rocks!!!

Ruth - ah...guapísima... esta chica está fantástica, sin duda... If Crusty was so inclined she would marry this girl. Stunning and the voice of thunder yet bursting with feeling and sentimentality.

JLS - What a little foursome of hotties!! Everytime Crusty sees these boys she gets a little moist down below.

Diana Vickers (rhymes with knickers) - What the frikkin' hell is this!!! Apart from the fact that she has a puncture in her windpipe and ends every line with a squeak of air, she can't afford shoes. If she's trying to be radical, sorry love, you're too late it's been done before and by artists far greater than you. As for the hair, do us a favour, chicken, get yourself off to your local supermarket and buy yourself a brush...I've seen better hair on a drag queen after being beaten up by a bunch of skinheads

Anyhoo...we are now down to five, so stay tuned X-factorers.

I couldn't help notice the little battle that went on between Louise and Daniiiii which made the latter cry....but was she crying.?I have always said that if you hit this talentless-riding-on-the-back-of-the-fame-of-my-sister artist with a frying pan, the frying pan would come off worse, yet her level of plasticity has lessened over recent weeks and I suspect it was not tears but infact some biological agent used to keep her brow in place ; that, I fear, has been seeping out of her tear ducts and hence the improved facial animation above her gob.

I am now inclined to believe that the frying pan would not now be the worse off so please do not try the above at home.


  1. Despite the fact that I'm drawn (as a stupid person is to Jerry Springer) to X Factor I do have a moral or just immoral obligation to make comment on this blog. Personally, I change with the tide. I'm the public who vote Laura off if she says something stupid or I don't like her eyeliner - who cares about her voice? HOWEVER, is that not the point of the programme? It's clearly not a singing contest (welsh named kid) or a personality contest ( blonde one with warble thing), but an entertainment contest. So, whoever entertains me gets my vote (N.B. sympathy doesn't entertain me).
    That's why I like I'm a Celebrity - no pretentions of it being even vaguely related to talent, no pretense at stringing a sentence together, no thought to fashion....just simple humiliation. Long may it last.

    Ophelia Buttocks

  2. My Dear Buttocks,

    One must never chastise the poor darlings who are drawn to Jerry Springer; their stupidity does not come close to reaching the sewage levels of those who are drawn to Jeremy Kyle. However, I do thank you for taking the time to comment on my article.

    First of all may I say I was shocked to read that you change with the tide. I must empathise with you; I did have a Crustette who lived, also on the coast, in Whitley Bay, who had the same problem so I can appreciate the size of the wardrobe you must have in order to accomplish this ritual.

    I would have to agree with your stance on the voting of these Xfactorans and indeed cannot comprehend how Laura managed to stay for so long; her hair was always an explosion of human fibres and her eye liner made Dame Barbara Cartland look like a nun.

    And right on you....Who cared about her voice? It was certainly a powerful instrument when she had eaten a bag of coal and had full steam in her belly, yet on those softer songs her voice and the tune seemed to take different buses to the end of the song. All they could do was wave at other pathetically through the windows but never hoped to meet along the lines of melody.

    I must confess I had never felt the compulsion to watch IACGMOOH but since you persuasive arguments, have started to sample the delights; I would agree with you whole heartedly on the humiliation front although I am concerned that a legend such as George Takei should participate in such an event...but then it's one for us purse-carriers of the pink pound and, in fairness, he did promise to go boldly where no man had gone before.

    There is still a little part of me that would wish that a funnel-web spider of extremely venomous snake would sneak in and introduce itself to Esther Rancid or Robert Kilroy-Silt but one can dream.

    [my houseboy has informed me RKS has been "shafted" and booted out of camp...oh well, it's up to you Esther!]