X-Factor

Well, I don't know about anyone else but Crusty was stuck to her seat last night with the thrilling episode of X-Factor...and it wasn't just because she was wearing crotchless knickers or that Dermott O'Leary was in fine form either: now that we are getting to the final weeks one can almost taste the excitement!

Is it just me though, or are there some of the contestants who just get on y' tits?

There, I said it... I know some of you out there have been thinking the same thing but were afraid to say it...but Crusty has taken off her 6" red sequinned stilleto shoe and driven the heel of tactlessness right through the glass coffee table of diplomacy!

Ogheaon...no...organ...no eoghan....oh whatever!! the one with the puppy-dog eyes, set in the over-sized head with the scary birdnest hair. I don't get it! the lad is certainly cutesie-wootsie in a pre-pubescent way but he can't sing and last nights attempt at singing a Take That song proved it.

"You went for those high notes and nailed them"...no dear, he had an army of backing singers helping him out. Let's here him sing it again without them.

Rachel - In the auditions this little secret volcano of vocals almost blew Crusty's tights off!! The story of her growing up - the drugs, the crime, the kids - was heart wrenching indeed. Then all sympathy went with the attitude and the gob that opened 24-7. Apart from a couple of belters I feel that the tunes, the pitch and Rachel were never to meet for a party. Thankfully, after the sing off, where the poor dear murdered the "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going" classic she was ejected from the stage; very silly choice of song - it's one of those that really once Jennifer Holliday (all hail her magnificence) sang it first, it should be left to her. Even Jennifer Hudson, bless her, tried in Dreamgirls but still didn't match the power and emotion of JH.

Alexandra - Crusty has taken a real shine to this super-star in the making...This babe rocks!!!

Ruth - ah...guapísima... esta chica está fantástica, sin duda... If Crusty was so inclined she would marry this girl. Stunning and the voice of thunder yet bursting with feeling and sentimentality.

JLS - What a little foursome of hotties!! Everytime Crusty sees these boys she gets a little moist down below.

Diana Vickers (rhymes with knickers) - What the frikkin' hell is this!!! Apart from the fact that she has a puncture in her windpipe and ends every line with a squeak of air, she can't afford shoes. If she's trying to be radical, sorry love, you're too late it's been done before and by artists far greater than you. As for the hair, do us a favour, chicken, get yourself off to your local supermarket and buy yourself a brush...I've seen better hair on a drag queen after being beaten up by a bunch of skinheads

Anyhoo...we are now down to five, so stay tuned X-factorers.

I couldn't help notice the little battle that went on between Louise and Daniiiii which made the latter cry....but was she crying.?I have always said that if you hit this talentless-riding-on-the-back-of-the-fame-of-my-sister artist with a frying pan, the frying pan would come off worse, yet her level of plasticity has lessened over recent weeks and I suspect it was not tears but infact some biological agent used to keep her brow in place ; that, I fear, has been seeping out of her tear ducts and hence the improved facial animation above her gob.

I am now inclined to believe that the frying pan would not now be the worse off so please do not try the above at home.