Crusty's Favourite "Duff-Duff" Moment.

This year, the BBC soap opera Eastenders is celebrating its 25th birthday.

Can you believe it’s really been that long? (It seems sooooooo much longer).

For those of one’s poppets who are not familiar with the programme, all of the excitement takes place in a fictional, small part of the East End of London - the capital (although heaven only knows why) of Her Majesty’s realm - known as Walford.

There is a resplendent representation of all religious and ethnic backgrounds and a gargantuan splatteration of people of a rather gangstertorial nature. Indeed, when one is flitting though the newspapers and magazines and sees that a new character is about the emerge in the square, one often wonders how long it will be before they are selling drugs, plotting a take over of the local nightclub (where the music of such a volume, one could hear a nun speak) or dismembering an enemy in the back yard with a butter knife and a piece of tarpaulin.

Only recently, an older gentleman appeared, in very dandy attire, I must say. After a couple of episodes one thought one may have been wrong. There were no threats being issued. No one had been harmed in any way. Then, his true colours were shown in the local garage, the Arches, when we discovered he was not only a gangster, but one of the more sinister variety; one that wore hand-made shoes!

To break the monotony, there is often the announcement that a new piece of lady-totty or man-hunk is to enter the arena, although after their first appearance on screen, it is quite clear that the casting director has been devoid of understanding the meaning of the terms “totty” and “hunk”. The last great hunk addition was Scott Maslen. He’d tossed off his helmet in The Bill on ITV and decided to bat for the other side.

Now, though one admits he is quite the buff, little stud-muffin, one does wish he would keep his hair short. When it reaches a longer length one can’t help but see Odd Bod from Carry on Screaming in front of one.

Albert Square families are certainly not like normal ones either. The residents of Albert Square are breeding more successfully than rabbits. Another new member turns up … “Oh, it’s so-and-so’s long lost brother.” .. and another … “Oh, it’s Mr. Poppadopulus’s estranged daughter.

Having said that, it certainly seems to be the place to live. Though the locals never seem to have much money, they are still fortunate enough to have 3 & 4 bedroom houses that can comfortably accommodate 22 people and still have enough room for further visiting relatives, who decide to stay indefinitely … until they too are killed off or relocated on Witness Protection.

Not the quietest of locales either, everyone is screaming and shouting at one another. One is forever having to grab one’s device to turn up, then turn down, then turn up, then turn down the volume. Poor Crotchet – one’s pussy – wastes no time and simply pushes his head behind a scatter cushion, as a precaution, the minute the theme begins. He’s very wise and recently one has wondered if it would wiser still to follow his example.

Indeed, the only quiet moments are when burley Phil Mitchell opens his mouth to speak to simply utter, “Not now right! … I said, not now!” I believe that’s the only lines he’s ever had to work with, save for the odd time he’s snuck a “Billy” in.

As well as trying to maintain the storylines of the characters, the writers also have their work cut out for them trying to inject their important “messages”. For example, one would recommend a regular shufty around the Christmas period, when many references will be made about the little baby Jesus and loving one’s neighbour etc., before a leading character is killed with a quick bludgeon or mown down by Charlie’s taxi.

Anyhoo … the question, it would seem, that is being put to the British public is What is your favourite Duff-Duff moment?

Well, one would have to say the end of every episode, dear! When all that depressing, noisy nonsense has finished.

Not even the inclusion of national icon and legend Barbara Windsor has managed to make it anymore endurable. To think they axed Eldorado for this rubbish!