Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Crusty's Cure For Constipation.

There seems to be an increasing amount of attention being focused on the nation’s bowel movements over recent months.

Wherever one looks, whether it be magazines, newspapers, radio or television advertising etc., we appear to be encouraged to buy such products that ease our motions.

Products such as DulcoEase , which softens one stools (although why there is a connection to soft furnishings, is unclear) and the more yoghurty solutions, such as Activia; Activia, contains polyprostate peptide squitalots, or some such fancy, that biff your digestive tract and improve the flow of a Ford Transit.

Anyhoo …To me this is absolute madness! One wonders how much money is being spent on these ludicrous potions and remedies, when it could be redirected elsewhere. There are far simpler answers already available.

One had never considered this issue in depth until a chance tweeting session with one’s uber-gorgeous twitterchum, Katrina.

It is certainly true, that many people suffer the discomfort of a bloated bowel and back passage blockage. One doesn’t suffer such ailments oneself, as one mainly sticks to a liquid diet. That, and the food Chef and Chu Me prepare is full of healthy and wholesome properties that keep one as regular as a Katie Price exclusive in a tabloid newspaper. Still one can empathise with those that do.

This is partly due to the care that one seldom shows towards one’s household staff. If any of them are feeling bloated (‘Feeling’ because one is unable to go by looks alone, or one would be seeking a remedy every minute of service for some of them) or if any are finding it difficult to carry out their duties effectively due to a degree of constipation, one has had a long standing, simple solution to get things moving and get them back to work in a jiffy.

All one does is lead the afflicted individual to the kitchen, have a root around my pussy Crotchet’s cupboard and feed them an out of date prawn … then wait.

Within a matter of minutes they are back on their feet and, though one has not conducted any scientific experiments, one is convinced that they move a little faster as they work.


  1. One word: colonic.

    And did you know that I'm licensed? Well, not actually licensed but I do have all the tubes.

  2. My Father always said you can work anything out with a pencil.


  3. Twice as many laxatives are sold in the North of England than in the South.
    When referring to stools it might really be 'Southern Softies'.

  4. Ian poppet!

    An amazing fact. That would certainly explain Lord Peter Peggy-on-a-Sunday Mandelson. One fears they must be sticking in his throat, poor dear.

    Love, joy and laughter