Kerry Katona Disrupts An Intimate Moment.

Chu Me had went outside early to see to his hens and reward his proud cock with a pat on the head. Dribble also required letting out of his stable so he could wander into the paddock for his morning frolic.

One had sought sanctuary in the Doctor Christian Room and found oneself gazing at the corner of the room upon the tapestry of the dimpled, dollop of doctorial deliciousness one had completed some weeks previous.

The lack of sound was magnificent.

One was drifting further and further into the wool-stitched eyes of one’s medical marvel when, suddenly, a terrifying sound pierced one’s eardrum like the stab from a rusty, blunt pin. The intimate moment with one’s poppet was destroyed by something that sounded like two speaker wires being crossed with the volume set on full. One jumped up from one’s chaise to investigate immediately.

In one’s peripheral vision, one witnessed former queen of Iceland (that’s the prawn ring emporium, not the bankrupt country), Kerry Katona, advertising yet another newspaper exclusive about her umpteenth ‘successful’ rehabilitation from her vices and from the evil enchantment of the Doner Kebab.

“I’m Kerry Katona” She said, “I was a mess …”

Yes you were, dear, but yellow greasy hair, an overly tight silver frock and your puppies popping out does not exactly tidy you up!

Iceland Put Kerry Katona Out To Defrost.

One was sitting in one’s bed watching BBC Breakfast this morning, waiting for the George Clooney of regional news to pop on my 28 incher; Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’tingle Briggs.

Now, normally one enjoys the professionalism of young Bill Turnbull and the simply delicious Kate Silverton as they fill in between the north east’s news slots but one had to find a distraction this morning when some woman - being interviewed about the benefits of attending university – was shouting at the two presenters as they sat right next to her. Honestly, if one wanted to hear a shrill, eardrum piercing harpy at that time of the morning one would have turned to the GMTV regional news.

Anyhoo ... one let one’s digits glide over the nodules of the remote and selected the teletext option.

Despite multiple snippets of doom and gloom, there was some happy news amongst the day’s headlines. It would appear that Iceland (the frozen food emporium and not the bankrupt country) has decided to sack Kerry Katona from their advertising campaign. The company said the contract could simply not go on following News of the World stories of her indulging in Class A drugs and being all together beastly in public (one is unclear whether the latter is a recent revelation).

Kerry, a former ‘singer’ with Atomic Mutton, has had her fair share of problems over recent years – one of which was stringing a coherent sentence together on This Morning with the scrumptious Philip Schofield – and it appears they are to continue for the poor poppet.

A spokesman for Iceland said they would be supporting her should she wish to seek help … so one can expect a hefty rise in the price of - what I understand is - the famous prawn’s ring and fish fingers.

Good-bye Kathy Staff - You Will Be Sadly Missed.

I have always believed that I was blessed with special powers, a seventh sense if you will. I posses the other six already, in abundance - taste, touch, sight, smell, sound, dress - but I have always felt I have a type of E.S.P.

This reared its mysterious head the other day when I was flicking through an old copy of Closer magazine by the indoor pool at Crusty Hall.

Loyal Crustettes will recall the revelations that Kerry Katona had 4 pints of fat sucked from her body. As a result she had developed a mum tum - a saggy, wrinkly gut to a layman. The magazine even printed a picture so its readers could understand the problem she faces.

Anyhoo.... I was looking at the picture and was just thinking how much her stomach looked like Nora Batty's stockings, when Chu Me broke the news to me that dear, beloved Kathy Staff had passed away!

This star of stage, screen and theatre was a sparkling diamond nested within a tray of cubic zirconia ... and Crusty, for one, will miss her - it truly feels like a member of the family has gone.

Kathy you have completed the rehearsal of life and moved to the grand production in the sky. Though Kerry Katona may have cellulite, you have a plethora of celluloid which will allow us to hold on to you and never allow you to be forgotten.

Kerry Katona May Sing Again! Duet with Jason Donovan in the Pipeline.

On opening up my homepage on this wonderful laptop device, I was confronted by the news that Kerry Katona has suggested she may sing again!

Crusty does not need such shocking news flashed willy-nilly in front of her by Virginmedia, especially when she is still in a fragile state over the hateful, vindictive redundafying of her morning pin-up, Mark makes-y-mouth-water Warr.

Apparently Kerry has been inspired to kick-start her singing again because of the recent add campaign by Iceland - I understand that is a shopping facility for people of her breeding and not the bankrupt country.

She has told friends that she has had lots of compliments from people about her singing (they're medical staff, dear, the day centre pay them to say that sort of thing!), which in turn has restored her confidence.

If there is anything Dame Crusty can do to help knock it back down again, please let me know, as a matter of urgency.

I read in Closer, only last week, that after having 4 pints of fat sucked from her she was fighting to lose the resulting wrinkled skin around her stomach (If readers will excuse me a moment...I think Crusty has made herself sick!).

Take wise words from one who knows, poppet; Saggy skin removal, advertising boil-in-the-bag shite and a pop career are very dangerous when mixed and I do not feel you up to multi-tasking at the moment. Have a bag of crisps and watch a DVD instead

It was suggested that she may even pop up - or pop out, I'm unsure which - as a special guest on the up and coming Jason Donovan tour. Jason is rumoured to have said," She could be my next Kylie" (I think you'll need bigger hotpants, dear!).