Chiles and Bleakley To Bring Us Face-Ache On ITV.

It has one quite baffled, all of this hoo-har surrounding the signing up to ITV of Adrian Chiles and Christine the-water-skiing-WAG Bleakley.

For those poppets who are unaware, the long running (and extremely bright) breakfast show, GMTV, is being revamped into a new show called ‘Face Ache’ ….[sorry Chu Me? … are you sure, dear?] … apparently it’s ‘Daybreak’ (Though, quite frankly, one fancies the former is more apt where Mr Chiles is involved).

Recently, everybody at the current GMTV show has been resigning at a rate of knots; first Penny Smith, then Andrew Castle (one doubts whether the cogs will turn so smoothly once his oily-slickyness has oozed out of the building) and, as yet, one is unclear what will happen with intrepid reporter John Stapleton – the Jason King of morning news; he’s certainly not getting any younger, so it would be tragic for him to have to hang up his jacket and ties and the Marks and Spencer poly-blend sand safari suit we have come to know and love, whenever he is reporting from a sun-drenched, war-torn country.

But still this frenzy over the new co-hosts is quite unexpected and totally unnecessary. One certainly didn’t find anything special about them on the BBC’s ‘The One Show’. Indeed, the first evening dear Christine was on, one just caught a momentary glimpse of her after hearing the voice and for a moment thought it was Ian Paisley in a summer dress and lipstick. Of course, after an hour of looking much closer, one realised this was not the case.

As for Adrian, one thought the mask of misery etched across his dish was due to the aftermath of saddle sores from his charity bike ride with Alan Shearer. However, one has been assured that this is his natural look (poor poppet!).

Anyhoo … One may have a shufty once the show starts, to acquire a taste of how terrible it all is, but as a rule one tends not to watch ITV in the morning now; ever since the Tyne Tees division cruelly ripped one’s angelic, charismatic poppet, Mark make-my-mouth-water Warr, from one’s pixels during cut backs … only to immediately replace him with an eardrum-piercing Harpy with an appalling wardrobe.

© DCG 2010

Morning News - The Balance is Restored!

Mark Warr (left) & Colin Briggs (right) - Newsroom Perfection

My darling Mark Warr, had left information last night, via the Gussetphone, that I may want to adjust my knobs to pick up GMTV straight after the George Clooney of regional news, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y'tingle Briggs had given us his bulletin on the BBC. I may be pleasantly surprised he hinted.

I was intrigued; what on earth was my little poppet asking me to watch that dreadful woman that had replaced him after the Tyne Tees Newsroom Massacre. This individual, Helen PeedOn (or some such fancy) - the person who Crotchet, my pussy, aptly calls Hisssssssss - has blighted our screens for over a month.

I sat in my bed and listened intently as Colin gave us his wonderful bulletin. As he spoke Chef entered and discretely walked to the side of my bed. I took his eggs in my hand and started to bang them on my breakfast tray until I heard them crack. Then I spread soft golden butter on my baps and dismissed him.

Colin, after an effortless performance, said au revoir until his next broadcast and I reluctantly turned to ITV as instructed.

As Penny Smith (a name that's ironic as it appears the poor dear spent the same amount on her new haircut) passed us over to Tyne Tees, I started to feel nauseous. Then a nipple-tweekingly, joyous moment; there in front of me splashed over my 28 incher was my poppet!!!!!

What a stunning performance. He had clearly relaxed in his time away from our screens and Smooth Radio must certainly have been looking after him while he's been filling their slots in the early hours of the morning. It was so refreshing to hear his velvety tones and not that other creature - one is convinced there is a man standing next to a blackboard with a steel gauntlet and running the finger nails down it when she's on ... toying with the North East people.

I now have an understanding of how those people on Cilla Black's Surprise Surprise felt when they were reunited with long lost loved ones.

Balance is restored to the North East - Long may it continue!