Crusty Remembers At Madrid Fashion Week

While one was holidaying in glorious España this year, one paid a quick visit to Madrid Fashion Week to have a shufty at what was coming out of the country's designers; Spanish fashion is often very sexy and very stylish, in particular the designs from the likes of Maria LaFuente.

As well as perusing the latest gorgeous garments of one's favourite Spanish designers one also likes to watch the models moving up and down the catwalk; this year one model caught one's eye immediately; it appeared she had either only one banger in the centre of her chest (or a rather unpleasant and angry spot) ... one was mesmorised by the poor dear!

Anyhoo ... there are many occasions when one visits these affairs that one is reminded of the fun time one had at the 1993 Vivienne Westwood show. It was at this event that Crusty was a little naughty; as Chu Me had opened the Bentley's door for Crusty to alight, one's pearl necklace caught a button and snapped. As a result, the beads of pearlescent perfection cascaded down one's coat and ended up everywhere.

Well, one was in a hurry and had no time to pick them up so - still looking stunning and adorned in other jewelled items - one continued on one's way and took one's seat by the runway.

One read the program and discovered that grotesquely overpaid clotheshorse, Naomi Crumble, was participating (Give Crusty the smolderingly delicious Tyra Banks anyday!). As the audience sat and waited for the show to begin, one put one's hand into one's pocket and found a loose pearl that had found its resting place there, rather than the floor of the Bentley. One thought no more about it until Naomi Crumble appeared on the catwalk in a stunning Westwood creation accessorised with a vertigolicious pair of platformed shoes.

As she began to walk unsteadily down the catwalk, one remembered a moment of madness and flicking the pearl onto the floor, right in front of her. Chu Me turned and looked at one, first with a look of shock and disbelief then a look of glee, as he clapped his little hands together. Seconds later Naomi Crumble crashed to the floor.

One still smiles now when one thinks how the press and members of the audience maintain it was the shoes! Naomi, however, realised who was to blame. When I told the story to the landlord at The Badger's Snatch - Willy O'Dour - he rather eloquently yelled, "What? You did that to her! Were you not afraid she would slap the crap out of you, stot a mobile of your head and rip your face off?"

"Not in the slightest, dear!" One replied, " She couldn't walk in those shoes, let alone run. Chu Me and I made our escape with elegance and ease. One sashayed back to the Bentley as normal - giggling as one glided - and all one could hear from behind was the distant horse-like clomping of footwear and a potty mouth."

Fashion is a funny thing, is it not poppets?