Monday, 17 August 2009

Boycott Alton Towers - Support the Budgie Smuggler

Poppets, for some time now one has always thought that the Health & Safety Executive - that malignant melanoma on the rapidly withering flesh of Her Majesty's realm - was the only organisation that could issue utterly preposterous instructions. However, one has been proved wrong and Crusty is outraged!

My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, has brought an article to one's attention this very day; some woman of insignificant importance at one of our nations tourist attractions, has banned the men of our race from wearing swimming trunks!!

I suspect we were thinking the very same thing; 'better off than on!'

But no! This woman has condemned the stylish and supportive piece of swimming apparel and said the ban was ' prevent embarrassment among fellow members of the public and to maintain a family friendly atmosphere at the resort (in Staffordshire)'.

It's true! The company has made startling revelations that during our gorgeously hot weather, a number of our menfolk had been seen ... (one can hardly bring oneself to say it) .... sporting
tight trunks!!!

(Aaaggghhhhhh! Run for the hills, save the children...take all the food and water you can carry!.... No, leave Granny! ... she'll have to fend for herself, she's seen doodlebugs during the war!!!!!!)

Anyhoo ... reading into the company's lack of understanding of the devil's garment, one would state here and now, to all men, that one should always opt for the tight trunk; should one opt for the alternative, then one may find one's little friend introducing itself to the neighbours in the most unsightly fashion, along with a pair of semi-deflated space hoppers.

Sales and marketing director Morwenna Angove suggested this completely normal, well designed, well researched, supportive, comfortable swimming attire is not appropriate for our country and therefore the park will be advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear (a diving suit?... a jumper with a pair of flannels?) such as shorts. (if trunks aren't appropriate for swimming goodness knows what she would consider appropriate for a black tie affair ... A polynylon twin set and flip flops?)

So if you're unfortunate enought to be going to Alton Towers ... not be a confident swimmer ... and were looking forward to ... sort of ... gliding effortlessly through the waters in your aerodynamic, water repellent swimming trunks, please finalise your will before setting off and prepare to sink to the bottom of the pool and drown in your dragging, heavy, water logged shorts.

Take solice in the knowledge that, though you may be motionless and extinct on the pool floor, at least when they pull you out and try to revive you, no one can take a sneaky peak at the outline of y' todger.

One would have hoped, if our little poppet's holiday park was as 'family' orientated as she suggests, there wouldn't be anyone on the rampage to look at mens downstairs areas in the first place.

I, for one - in one's state of absolute fury - recommend a boycott of Alton Towers (not that one would have ever considering visiting it the first place) and show a national solidarity with our mens freedom of choice in swimming attire.

After all, I think one will agree, when a gentleman packs his budgie smugglers correctly, the result can be quite breathtaking!

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