Showing posts with label Bruce Forsythe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bruce Forsythe. Show all posts

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Strictly Come Dancing 2011 - A Crusty Review



Well, this year’s glitterlicious dancefest, Strictly Come Dancing, is underway!

One must confess one gets a warm feeling in one’s lady-garden when one sees the wrinkled, sun-kissed face of Sir Bruce Forsythe and – to some extent - his co-host Tess Daly; the latter normally adorned in an array of ill-fitting gowns and bizarre hairdos. One recalls her wearing something on the cusp of sexy two weeks ago, when her bottle-blonde hair was set in waves down the both sides of her face, like something from the early part of the 20th century. She looked adequately pleasing to the eye (if you turned your head quickly from side to front, side to front, side to front and squinted) but with her rocket-red mouth ... one couldn’t help thinking there was a hooker on the hunt for her missing lipstick.

Another time, the wardrobe department had advised Tess that bright yellow frockage would be a crowd pleaser. Alas, with her statuesque height, it only made her look like Sesame Street’s Big Bird in a pair of matching stilletoes and a platinum rinse. Then last week, the armless metallic number she wore served no other purpose than to remind one to have Chu Me remove the foil wrapped chicken wings from the Aga.

Anyhoo … there is an impressive line-up of celebrity fodder aiming to shake a tail-feather in front of the nation and the panel of judges; the ageless Lulu, the One Show’s Alex Jones, the gargantuanly gorgeous Audley Harrison, Nancy Dill’y’Dall’io and Holly Valance to name but a few.

It was also revealed that Holly had a fellow Australian to support her through the season’s shenanigans. Indeed, on the opening show, one’s jaw dropped and one’s inner thighs tightened when one saw Jason Donovan on one’s 32-incher with a smile - as bright as sunlight itself - beaming across his little face. He’s certainly aged well, has he not? Yet, one always recalls him at the height of his fame, having shoes that appeared to have been put together in a North East shipyard … great big hoofers they were! Now, however, his feet appear to have shrunk to a more agreeable size, which appear to be helping him float gracefully across the floor, consumed by the story behind the dance.

One’s dear twitterchum Russell Grant has signed up too. Now, many laughed at the delicious Russell, thinking he was going to be awful but one knew there was nibble footwork dangling from the end of those legs and, true to form, his nibble danglies have had one mesmerised.

The world of sport is represented by football bad-boy Robbie Savage.

During one video clip it was explained he’s known for being rather naughty and often dropping his shorts in public and, in case we viewers were not able to imagine such a sight, we were treated to a photograph of Robbie (who was showing an unnecessary amount of nipplage in this particular episode, one felt) standing on a pitch, being flanked by officials (No, Chu Me … ‘Flanked’ dear!) and exhibiting himself in a skimpy pair of white undercrackers, with his defiant arms stretched aloft. The visible lack of man-biscuit was disappointing but one took comfort in knowing that if football became too much and he didn’t win the Strictly Come Dancing competition, at least he had a successful career as a lady-boy ahead of him.

Before the series actually started, one was transfixed by the trailers for the show. Particularly, by a pretty young thing, strutting down a fictional BBC street, music playing, with an overly jiggly bosom. It was, of course, Chelsee Healy from Waterloo Road. However, ‘bosom’ doesn’t quite accurately describe a set of hooters like that! Especially when they look like a couple of activated airbags from the dashboard of 18-tonne truck!

As for the oddment of the line up, well this had to be the unveiling of Edwina Currie (and if anyone should be wearing a veil –and a very heavy one at that - it is she). Edwina, during a promotional video, told the viewers that she was really worried about doing the show in case she got egg on her face. Goodness! Through the Major years one fancies she had much worse on it!

As it turned out, however, she was the first to be voted off. One suspects it was due to her lying on her back at the end of her routine and kicking her legs in the air to a ripple of applause, while flashing her expansive buttock region. Having said that, the ripple of applause did stop when her feet returned to the floor, so it may actually have been airborne thigh-slappage that had created the ripple and not the audience, as one had first thought.

So with one down the show must go on and the competition must continue for the winner to be awarded the prized glitterball trophy, though one suspects it is all in the bag for either the taught-torsoed Harry He-can-beat-one’s-bongo’s-anytime Judd or Jason he’s-still-very-big-down-under Donovan.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Winter Arrives At Crusty Hall.

This morning, one was descending elegantly down the grand staircase at Crusty Hall, in a rather stunning Versace gown. At the bottom of the staircase stood one’s faithful houseboy, Chu Me.

He had a look of excitement on his face and looked as if he was about to burst as he made small jumping motions, while rapidly clenching his little clenched hands.

“Hail, mistress!” He shouted.

As one passed him, one patted him gently on the top of his head, “Goodness, Chu Me, your practically family, dear … a simple good morning would have sufficed.”

A puzzled expression locked on his gorgeous little face.

One continued down the vast main corridor towards the Breakfast Room, but as one passed by the Drawing Room, Chu Me stopped one in one’s tracks. He beckoned one’s gaze towards the door, then gripping his hand around the glistening knob in front of him and began to push forward.

It was then that one saw the bleaching tumblage of tiny hail stones ricocheting off the giant window with a frantic wintry rhythm (as if entertainment legend Bruce Forsythe were tap dancing away on a sheet of black ice).

Winter is officially upon us, poppets!

One knows one heard a lady of weather predictions – and on the BBC, no less - warning us of a bitterly cold and snowy winter but one dismissed such nonsense immediately.

We all remember the prediction earlier in the year - from the very same source, too - of the barbecue summer we could all expect, which turned out to be two hours on a Tuesday afternoon in July. Sadly one had been out so missed it, although even if one had got back in time, Chu Me had already put Mr Peppercorn’s sausage away.

Anyhoo … all indications suggest the BBC bad weather boffins are accurate with regard to the forthcoming Winter.

One prays all of one’s poppets and twitter-chums stay safe and warm as Mother Nature blasts her icy wind across Her Majesty’s realm.