Monday, 18 January 2010

Dancing On Ice Slides Into Our Lives.

It has not gone unnoticed at Crusty Hall that Dancing on Ice has returned to our screens. Once again, the nation’s favourite silver fox, Philip Schofield, presents us with a frozen-fest of skating entertainment, assisted by the bountifully busty Holly Wobbley.

2010 has brought a change of celebrities ranging from a couple on the cusp of the C list, a few T listers, some Z listers and Heather Mills (although one almost wishes it was ‘Dancing on Thin Ice’ with that one … and during an unexpected thaw).

Before the sequinned extravaganza hit our primetime pixels, comments were abound on the inclusion of the former Mrs McCartney in such a dangerous competition. Indeed, a poppet commenting on Closer Online pointing out that Heather had fallen on several occasions while participating in Dancing with the Stars; surely, this new challenge would be far too dangerous for her.

Well, indeed; ice skating – with dangerous spins, bone breaking jumps and razor sharp blades - is infinitely more dangerous … so we must not dissuade her in her endeavours. Nobody knows what is around the corner; we can only hope for the best outcome … or, that she manages to skate successfully.

The judging panel remains more or less the same; the delightful Robin Cousins, Nicky Slater etc but a metamorphosis has taken place elsewhere; Ruthie eyes-and-teeth-darling Henshall – the Jane McDonald of the West End - has been changed for the bubbly, smiley former Spice rack, Emma Bunton.

Mr/Miss* Nasty (*- delete as appropriate), Jason Gardiner, is still seated in middle position and spewing out his poison in a failed attempt to impress the nation. In previous series one absolutely loathed this shrew-faced prima Dona. Now in 2010, one must confess that absolutely nothing has changed.

Jason Gardiner shows a dancer
the importance of hold

It is highly unnatural for any one to have teeth that white, unless they are delivered on a daily basis after a 24 hour soak in bleach. One feels so sorry for the contestants as the lights go down and they begin their routines; shafts of light from the suspended glitterball exploding through the atmospheric studio air, ricocheting off Miss Gardiner's incisors and blinding them like a rabbit caught between the headlights of an old Princess.

Anyhoo ... one tuned into the first results show and was surprised to see that the British public had kept Mills in but had voted for British swimming legend Sharron Davies and 'So Macho' Sinitta to face each other in the skate-off.

Well, if the viewers can't make the right decisions, Crusty will certainly not be wasting one's time watching it.


  1. I miss many, many things about lovely England, and particularly our own North East England. Dancing on Ice isn't one of them. It strikes me much as any ice skating does - I only watch it for the falls. But these bleeding celebrities all go so slowly that any falls are rather pathetic. Leaving the only vaguely interesting thing to watch - Philip Schofield. I am though intrigued at the thought of Ms Mills on ice.....Hop, Slip and a Hump?

    Lady OB

  2. My dearest Ophelia,

    How delighted one was to receive notification of your comment. One has missed you so since you escaped Her Majesty's realm for foreign shores. How one misses one's heady evenings of joss sticks and Connect 4; me slouched over the arm of the chair with my glass of gin and you sucking furiously at your White Lightning through an elongated straw. Happy days indeed.

    The Dancing on Ice is a fiasco; competitors being deported, Holly Wobbley wardrobe mishaps, cracks showing (lycra may be required but there are standard to maintain) and Heather Mills..

    Though one feels she may technically be sledging, she has surprised one by managing to stay in, despite a rather unsightly haircut that makes her look like a turnip with bleached follicles.

    Though Philip oozes sex and charm from every pore of his being, one still maintains it is not a sufficient reason to continue watching.

    One remains in one’s heart if not in one’s country