X Factor Returns - Poppets Prepare!

Opening the pages of our local daily newspaper The Evening Chronicle, - a pillar of truth, justice and community news – one squealed with a mixture of delight and dread when one read the X-Factor is returning to our televisual pixels, with auditions being held - possibly - as one writes this fluidic wordage.

A Caravan of judges (and one refers to the line-up and their entourage flooding in, rather than them being towed about in a 4-berth box on two wheels and a porta-loo) had descended onto the North East Riviera to assess the acceptability of the tsunami of talented poppets that attended the aforementioned auditions from one’s beloved region.

Gary Barlow OBE had snuck into the region without even advising Crusty Hall.  Quite outrageous and one naturally advised cook and one’s faithful houseboy, Chu Me, that if a call comes from the cusp-of-chubby poppet for tea and biscuits, he is to be rejected without delay and given an explanation that one is busy taking Boyzone up the rear for 'One Kiss At A Time' by the indoor pool.

Tuloola Popadopalous was back in her judging role and going down well (from the images glimpsed from her “special tape” one can hardly say one is surprised) and crowds were screaming at the arrival of that rather peculiar creature, Nicole Shitslinger.

Louis Walsh was of course on hand; the 4th judge added to the panel to make up the numbers. He was proving himself very brave visiting our region, as only weeks earlier it was reported, in the very same periodical, that he had got into a bit of a slanging match with Cheryl y’nailed-it-Tweedy-Pie Cole.

Apparently, it all began after Cheryl had attacked Louis claiming, as a manager, had had done very little for Girls Aloud (it was only fair when they, in turn, had done very little for music lovers around the world). Our hair dyed vixen (and one refers to Louis Walsh and not our screeching Geordie Harpy) hit back claiming Cheryl was in desperate need of singing lessons (hear, hear, dear!) and was just a clotheshorse.

Anyhoo … One pondered this for a while and looked through a back catalogue of pictures of Girls Aloud’s biggest member; creased, crumpled and, occasionally, damp clothing hanging loose and lifeless upon a wiry frame? … Now that one comes to think of it … our little Irish imp of a poppet may have hit the nail on the head!

Bravo dear!