Ashley Cole - A Troubled Poppet.

One was saddened to see the smolderingly-sexilicious Ashley Cole - footballing husband to Cheryl y'-nailed-it Cole - back in the news today. It appears our tormented poppet has had another spot of bad luck.

While out for a discrete drive in his shiny Lamborghini, the local constabulary allegedly caught him doing 105 m.p.h. in a 50 m.ph zone.

A statement was read out in court that Ashley was attempting to evade prying paparazzi and this was the reason for his naughtiness. Mrs Lady Judge was not impressed (and frankly, who could blame her?) She warned that, at sentencing, his punishment may be stiff.

However, time is still on his side and one feels, if he changed his statement and appealed to the Judge's heartstrings and better nature, he could sway her to be understanding and lenient.

He only need tell her he was trying to get out of earshot of his wife's singing practice and one is sure the case would be dismissed immediately.

Let us hope, perchance, he stumbles across one's wise typlings.

Cole v Beckham - WAG's WAR

In a recent interview with Vogue magazine – the one she allegedly stormed out of because she wasn’t receiving enough attention from the stylist – Cheryl y’nailed- it Cole has dug her false nails firmly into the back of Poshtoria Beckham.

This is as a result of the incredible disappearing Cheryl not being contacted by Poshtoria, when it was alleged her husband, Ashley, had been getting more than and cut and blow-dry from a kiss-and-tell hairdresser.

Cheryl reveals to us she was quite shocked as she and Poshtoria have been to the same barbecues! Yes, but I suspect that she, like Crusty, would have thought you were just serving the food, dear.

Always remember, barbecues in the world of celebrity aren’t the same as the ones you have on the council estate back home; it’s an opportunity simply to be gorgeous and offer the odd “mwah, mwah, darling” to those you wish to network with.

It certainly shouldn’t be used as an opportunity to drag an ambassador of our great nation into a world of mucky sleaze and allegation…that is better dealt with in private, dear, behind closed doors.