Santa Litten Fills Crusty's Stocking.

A rather special event occurred here at Crusty Hall over the recent festive season, when Santa Litten slipped something a little special inside one’s stocking. Who is his Santa Litten? One hears you ask.

Many readers from Her Majesty’s realm will, of course, recognise the name immediately … it is the utterly delicious comedic poppet, Derren Litten, who not only – and among other things – co-wrote The Catherine Tate Show, but also is the master behind the hugely popular series Benidorm. For international poppets, this is a masterpiece observation of British families and friends holidaying under the tentacles of Señor Sol in the holiday resort of the very same name.

One has often campaigned for one’s dear Derren to be knighted and, quite frankly, one thinks it is outrageous that it has not already taken place. After all, they gave a knighthood to John Prescott and what has he ever accomplished? Save standing in as a stunt double for the Churchill insurance mascot while he is away getting his nails clipped and his anal glands cleaned!

One is quite sure, that with a sustained campaign, young Derren will receive his reward soon enough; kneeling to feel a heavy weapon bounce off each shoulder to shoot off to the side once done for a spot of tea and nibbles.

The show itself is jam-packed with talent; the delicious Dame Sheila Reid, who casts aside her natural elegance to portray a hard-talking, cigarette-puffing woman of little patience for her family; One’s leg-bucklingly gorgeous twitterchum Jake he-of-the-gossamer-thin-budgie-smuggler Canuso … (one feels quite giddy just mentioning his name) … and the further deliciousness of regulars Steve Pemberton, Tim Healy (a monument of North East manliness), Siobhan Finneran, the charming Hugh Sachs and the teasingly titterlicious Janine Duvitski and Kenny Ireland.

Goodness, one could go on and on, could one not? The show is well endowed indeed with British talent!

Anyhoo … it was the week before Christmas and one was in one’s study writing out a card for Derren’s birthday. By chance, one's pussy, Crotchet, was wandering annoyingly across the keys of one’s laptopular device and activated the favourite icon for one’s poppet’s blog. There in front of one was an invitation to submit an email to him, as part of a competition, to say why one liked Benidorm.

One immediately felt a tingle oscillate up one’s inners thighs, around one’s downstairs area and shoot up to one’s perky bosom where it lingered momentarily. How wonderful!! One had been set a challenge and one was determined to rise up to it.

Setting the card aside, one picked up a quality piece of writing paper and one’s trusty fountain pen and got to work. After 7¼ hours, 6 gins, a small plate of boquerones en vinagre and a furball (the latter from Crotchet, incidentally) one sat back elated at one’s efforts:

The 21^st of December,

Is a very special occasion,

For an undervalued treasure

Of our ever glorious nation.

One speaks of one’s dear poppet -

For whom one is slightly smitten -

The utterly delicious … talented

Soon(?), Sir Derren Litten.

He’s witty and outspoken,

And, often, very naughty,

And this particular cumpleaños

Tickles the very toes of 40.

And to celebrate his birthday,

He’s set himself a mission,

To put a Christmas Card and DVD

Up for competition!

The DVD is of Benidorm,

His comedy masterpiece,

A series which keeps one’s chuckle-muscles

In ever such a crease.

His writing is simply exquisite,

His characters sublime,

All enjoying the Solana Resort

Under Señor Sol’s sunshine.

But though comedy is the theme throughout,

We can bathe in other things,

And the sentimental moments

Gently tug at one’s heart strings.

Like the continuing troubled saga

Of dear Martin and wife Kate,

Riding life’s roller-coaster

Of drama, love and hate;

The Oracle on his search for love,

With his mum, Noreen … who’s canny

But the only girl he ends up with

Is a Healy-esque Geordie tranny.

And the complicated goings on

Of the infamous Garvey clan;

Chantelle, with baby Coolio and

A chain-smoking, sun-drenched Nan.

Janice with her smitten beau,

Desperate for a snog,

While poor Mick can do nothing more

Than sit there all agog.

Sadly, the family was broken up

With the devastating loss of Mel,

After Geoffrey Hutchings left us

After he’d spent a time unwell.

An actor of pure quality,

Who we will never see again,

Who always gave a performance

That was, by far, ten out of ten!

And of course, the oooofalicious dreamboat …

Mateo, is his name,

A smouldering package of chunkiness

With his smooth and muscular frame

Who uses his sexual prowess

To seduce his chosen pray,
(Well, if one were at the Solana Resort,

He could certainly have his way!

One would gladly spend an afternoon

Rubbing oil into his back,

And maybe let one’s hand slip down

And rest between his cr …[cough]);

So, one thinks it would be quite wonderful -

If not a little shocking -

If Santa Litten came and dumped his prize

Inside one’s stocking

So when one woke up on Christmas morning,

One could untie the festive wrapper -

Before even getting out of bed

And heading for the cra … toilet -

And squeal, if it were possible

For one’s misty eyes to see,

An autographed, glistening copy

Of the box set of series three!

So, as one sashays into Litten’s,

The bar in one’s beloved Crusty Hall,

One always takes a little gasp,

Seeing his deliciousness upon the wall,

With a little smudge of lipstick

Pressed against his upper cheek,

(One likes to re-apply the lippy

T’ freshen up the smudge each week.)

One raises one’s glass in honour

To a man one just adores,

From the top of his highest follicle,

To the tip of his very toes.

From where he’s elegantly mounted,

 He watches over every tipple

And it never fails to bring to one

An epidermal ripple

Of dreamy pleasure that oscillates

Through every nerve and pore,

And continues through one’s skeleton

Then onto one’s very core.

May your birthday be filled with wonderment

And with all that you desire,

May the drink flow oh so generously,

And may you never tire.

Have a very Merry Christmas,

With friends and family near,

I’m sure you’ll enjoy every minute of it

(You’re very popular, dear.)

 And may 2011 be saturated

With love, with joy, with laugher

And happiness for now, tomorrow

And then for ever after.

One typed up the short verse as quickly as one’s beautifully manicured nails could manage and sent it off without delay. A few days later (one screams aloud just recalling it) one received a delightful Christmas card from the delicious Derren himself. This naturally took pride of place in Litten’s, which is the recently renamed bar here at one’s beloved Crusty Hall.

Not only that, but one had been triumphant at one’s attempt to win the competition and a week later the DVD arrived! One is quite sure one felt a surge of genius ripple through one’s fingers as one ripped opened his package and ran one’s fingers slowly over his thick, black moniker.

One shall of course watch it several times before it is put safely in the family vault, where it can be added to all the other valuables that make up the Gusset estate.