Carol Kirkwood - Slip, Slap, Slop

Crusty was watching BBC Breakfast news this morning, waiting for the George Clooney of news, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’tingle Briggs to update one on the regional stories

As I sat drinking a rather fragrant cup of tea in my magnificent four-poster bed, the studio presenters linked to the Blue Peter garden and to the delicious Carol Kirkwood for the weather forecast.

One doesn’t normally listen intently to the national forecast as it doesn’t have the same resonance to that of the summary from our own marvellous North East weather team and, in particular, from Tingle Briggs himself (When he fires a Nor’westerly across the bows one simply becomes a pleasurable pool of molten flesh on a layer of Egyptian cotton).

Anyhoo … as I sat looking out of the bedroom window pondering the day ahead, my ears pricked up and my attention was drawn back to my 28 incher.

“…so don’t forget the slip, slap, slop …” Carol advised.

How eerie it felt that someone so far away, in the land of television - surrounded by the noble majesty of the newly refurbished sunken garden - could know so much about the goings on at Crusty Hall; indeed, one did slip in the bathroom most mornings; one did slap a member of the household staff as one descended the great staircase and chef’s assistant did, indeed, serve slops for breakfast…..regularly! Uncanny!!

Ah, once again I seem to have misinterpreted things. My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, has advised me her slip, slap, slop referred to sun cream.

Hazel Blears - Satan's Pixie and a Government of Sleaze

Satan's pixie, Hazel Blears, is certainly caught up in the scandal of our MPs expenses.

Strange how the normally vocal ...incessantly vocal ... MP has become less so since the original stories of her first home/second home * (*delete as most profitable) hit the headlines. Was she merely trying to make some flipping money...or not? Who knows and indeed who cares, she and her like must simply be exorcised.

For many years now she has rammed down the nation's throats the sleaze of the previous Conservative government and that all things wrong with the world are because of Margaret Thatcher. How could she have known that it would be her own interfering, dictating government who would, through their own far superior sleaze, have practically instigated the downfall of an internationally respected political institution.

Yet across the parties it is worth remembering that while our brave soldiers are fighting and dying in the sun scorched provinces of Iraq and Afghanastan, in wars that stemmed from political gain and rather dubious intelligence and where there's inadequate equipment due to a lack of public money, at least our MP's are winning in the property market, getting their pipes fixed and acquiring mock Tudor frontage.

Vicar Searches for Mrs Tickles' Clematis

The Bank Holiday weekend and Crusty was at a loss as to what to do.

My little poppet, Colin his-twinkle-makes-y’-tingle Briggs, had announced he was attending the Northumberland Show...what a wonderful idea, I thought; I could present him with the special diamond encrusted rosette I had made for him for being Best at Show but then I remembered that the smell of animals and manure would remind me too much of the household staff's quarters here at Crusty Hall, so eventually decided against it. My darling Colin can be awarded his rosette another time.

Anyhoo.... in the end I thought I would pay a visit to the village garden centre - owned by Mr. and Mrs. Tickles - to see if there was anything interesting to buy for gardener to plant this Summer.

Walking past the fuchsias I saw a rather striking Coachman; floral tentacles hanging beautifully from the surrounding velvety plants...but it wasn't quite the show I was looking for. Instead, I made my way to Mrs Tickles' famous bush section. It was here - while standing gazing in awe at her Dusky Beauties - I saw the vicar rummaging near her Little Scamp.

"You look lost, vicar." I said, "are you looking for something in particular?"

"I'm looking for the Clematis." He replied exasperated.

"Most men are, dear! Try a little further up ... past the water feature."

I finally managed to see a couple of items I liked but feel it would be better to check with gardener first. One would hate to disrupt his horticultural balance.

Crusty Hall on Alert!

I have been greatly concerned recently by the numerous stories in our press concerning the growing number of bee hives being stolen throughout our land.

Crusty, herself, has taken an interest in this world of apiarists and has started her own collection of the little creatures. Their little hive is situated deep in the grounds of Crusty Hall, well away from the hall itself and I have a member of the household staff dedicated to looking after it - she's petrified of them and screams often but if one uses flat tonic in your mistress's drink there has to be consequences.

Anyhoo ...one hasn't gone over board and has only started a short time ago but I have managed to acquired just over three dozen.

My faithful houseboy, Chu Me, has put tight security measures in place, which includes a state of the art silent alarm system; one of it's many advantages is a small warning device that vibrates when activated. The device can easily be stored in my garter.

Chu Me has assured me that should I ever feel a tingle in my thighs, I know someone is sneaking up, intent on grabbing my 38 bees and the police are on their way.

Au Revoir Carol Malia - 8 months and counting!

I have no shame in making public the fact that Crusty was distraught this evening as BBC North East's priceless jewel, Carol Malia, give her last bulletin before going on maternity leave. The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I watch her presented with a boquet of flowers from Jeff Brown.

Crusty's life has been disjointed since her gorgeous poppet Mark makes-my-mouth-water Warr was so brutally made redundant from GMTV regional news. The channel has now been left with an empty void in the mornings....and she's tried her best but really isn't worth watching. As a result, I have transferred 100% loyalty to BBC North East and Cumbria. With out MW you really cannot find better than Lady Carol of Malia and the George Clooney of breakfast news, Colin His-twinkle-makes-y'-tingle Briggs and the team.

Anyhoo.....Carol has looked radiant over recent months while she draws closer to becoming a mother. I had hoped that Chu Me's own mother would have had time to knit some baby clothes, while residing at the Haitian government's pleasure but unfortunately there's been an "incident" and all sharp items have been confiscated.

In my dreams I had wished the executives of our regional television would have envisaged the Utopian ideal of having Colin stand in for Carol and employing my poppet, Mark Warr, for the breakfast slot but sadly they must not crave the same things Crusty does.

Crusty wishes Carol and her husband well and the sentiment is echoed by all at Crusty Hall.

Peter Mandelson Fails to Diffuse Expenses Row.

Crusty never likes to step into the world of politics too often - well, one simply doesn't have the correct shoes - but our MPs are certainly in a pickle at the moment, aren't they?

I recall some weeks back, when the furore first started, Lord Peter Lady-Peggy-on-a-Sunday Mandelson was being interviewed on television in an attempt to diffuse the allegations being made by the Daily Telegraph.

Crusty always feels uneasy about that one, poppets; each time he appears on one of my many flat screen T.V.s here at Crusty Hall (all paid for by me, incidentally), one can hear the holy water in the font of the Chapel at Crusty Hall bubbling violently...and has one noticed, over the years, how his mannerisms and tone of voice are morphing into those of Lady Thatcher's?

In some respects he reminds me of dear Dannniiiiiii Minge (sorry-my-keyboard's-sticking), that is to say very little facial animation north of the lip line. Crusty always wonders of he has had bollocks in his face? Perhaps receipts will be found amongst his expenses.

(Oh! Chu Me has informed me it is actually pronounced Botox!)

Eurovision 2009 - A Troll and a Fairytale

The dust has settled and Crusty has to say she has mixed feelings about the result of this years Eurovision Song Contest.

The wonderful Graham Norton did a superb job as commentator; one let out many a titter as the night went on. The set was incredible and Crusty feels that we will never see the likes of it again.....

.....and what about our darling Jade Ewen? Wasn't she absolutely fabulous? Draped in a sexy little number laden with glitterati and a pair of heels that could've induced a nose bleed, she blasted out "It's My Time" with all the enthusiasm of a Bigg Market slapper going to a Top Shop sale.

There was one scary moment, however, when Crusty's heart nearly skipped a beat, as I squeezed the neck of one of the kitchen staff; violinist number one actually had the audacity to smack our chanteuse in the dish as she descended the staircase (I know where I'll be sliding his bow should I ever meet him, I can tell you!). She was, however, unphased and gave a flawless performance. The crowd and the international community loved her.

Sadly, the winning song came from Norway, a place steeped in history and drenched in wealth since its people discovered some very large oily deposits in the 70s. Furthermore, Crustettes may not be aware Norway was also ranked the highest of all countries (2001-2006) for their human development and after spending a weekend on a trawler with a cabin full of Norwegian sailors - when ones yacht had stalled out at sea - one can happily confirm this after experiencing their human development first hand.... but that's a story for another occasion.

Anyhoo.... the rather small, troll-like creature, with a mouth the size of paella pan offered us his nation's song Fairytale. In actual fact, after one heard it after the second time it rapidly became a nightmare and one found oneself throwing buffet nibbles at the screen. It would have been glorious if, when flinging his head back and opening that cavernous gob for the high notes, one of the LED screens would have broke from its fixings and dropped on him but alas it was not to be.

One thing is for sure the United Kingdom is back! Jade and Andrew Lloyd Webber have put us back near the top. Roll on next year!!