Showing posts with label Michael Jackson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Jackson. Show all posts

Sunday, 4 July 2010

One Year On - Crusty Remembers Michael Jackson.


Mother Nature had been kind and the day had been glorious! Señor Sol had extended his tentacles of warming sunlight across the region and one had even managed to allocated three hours to recline on the terrace, adorned only in Factor 30, a wide brimmed hat, several diamonds and a mental image of Dr. Christian Jessen in a pair of skimpy, gossamer thin budgie-smugglers.

The evening proved to be just as warm but there was still a pleasant, summery silence in the residence that evening, despite the windows being opened, letting the breeze from the estate circulate around the principal rooms.

Chu Me had joined forces with one’s pussy, Crotchet, in an attempt to catch a moth that had penetrated one’s inner sanctum and as they ran off down the endless corridors, one was left alone.

Ficking up and down the listings on one’s Sky+ system one came across the filmumentary This Is It; the snippets edited together from the rehearsals of Michael Jackson’s last tour, before he sadly moonwalked into the afterlife and left his fans inconsolably bereft of his dancing deliciousness. One was about to … to use a technical term …’page down’ … when one remembered it had just passed the anniversary of his death. How rather fitting it would be for one to pay one’s own homage to him and watch the piece; absorbing his musical mastery. This Is It it was and that was that.

One found it very poignant indeed. Here one was, sitting in the luxurious splendour of Crusty Hall, dressed in natural designer fabrics, a few diamonds and holding a beautiful Baccarat crystal tumbler of gin against one’s shapely thigh and there was a iconic poppet preparing for his tour; not knowing, that in a very short space of time, he would be no more; that rumours would be abound at the cause of his departure; that the 2 minute silence at his memorial concert would be completely ruined by the annoying voiceover of Paul Gambaccini until he realised 12 seconds from the end … and that Mariah Scary would still manage to hoist her puppies up – inappropriately so – at the very same event before murdering his classic ‘I’ll Be There’ (one could almost hear muffled shouting from the coffin that afternoon yelling, “For the love of God, woman!!!).

Anyhoo … Throughout the entire film, one squealed with excitement and awe at his voice and his delicious dance moves. On several occasions one felt the urge to set down the crystal tumbler and applaud gleefully with the odd shout of ¡Bravísimo, guapo!. He was simply magnificent … except for the ‘I Just Can’t Stop Loving You’ segment, which one fears was all a little Child-Catcher-Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang. Had Crusty been the one he was singing to, one thinks one would have been urged to tell him to try and stop – especially if he continued to dance in that fashion - otherwise one would be forced to get a court injunction.

There was one thing, however, that truly amazed one as the show finished and one had a moment of reflection. Here was a slim – yet, muscled – individual, bursting with talent from every atom of his being. Due to his frame executing years of breathtaking gyration, he had maintained a small, dainty and pleasantly pert buttock region. How utterly astounding it was that for such a small arsal expanse, so many of the entourage were able to kiss it simultaneously!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Mark Lester Father of Michael Jackson's Daughter?


One was sitting the in the library at Crusty Hall the other evening checking one’s Facebook and emails.

When I signed out of one’s Hotmail account my curiosity was stimulated by a headline that Oliver Twist had claimed he was the father to Michael Jackson’s scrumptious little daughter, Paris.

I know, I could hardly believe it oneself so I clicked on the headline and read further. It appears that child star Mark Lester - who was a long time friend of the late Moonwalking Megastar - had been approached by Mr. Jackson; He had allegedly asked if it a donation of sperm could be given up for breeding purposes.

One has obviously not been privy to the exact account of the ins and outs - as t’were - but while reading the article, one pictured the scene in one’s own mind to clarify things.

The Scene: Two friends sit at a dinner table being served a delicious main course:

ML: [claps hands] Food, Glorious Food!!

MJ: Oh yes, Mark, It’s a Fine Life. Tell me, Mark, would you do something for me?

ML: I’d Do Anything for you MJ; after all Where is Love if it is not between two such good friends and I Consider Yourself as one of my closest.

MJ: Mark ... can I have your sperm?

ML: [shocked] (thinks: Well, As Long as He Needs Me I suppose…) MJ, after Reviewing The Situation, of course I’ll do it. If you can order desert I’ll just pop off for a little Oom-Pah-Pah …. Be Back Soon.

[Exit ML]

[½ hour later, enter ML with half filled receptacle]

MJ: Thank you Mark! Promise me you won’t tell a soul about our arrangement. If you do I Shall Scream.

ML: MJ, my friend, Who Will Buy such a story. You certainly won’t find this Boy For Sale. I assure you there is only one occasion after which I would think of disclosing such private information; That’s Your Funeral.

And thus the story leads us to believe that nature’s nectar was passed between the two men and a gorgeous little poppet was born. Whether the transaction was carried out using a resealable freezer bag, a turkey baster or an adequately sized piece of Tupperware is unclear, as is the matter of whether there is any truth behind the tale.

Anyhoo … I don’t know about you, poppets, but one thing is for sure ... one will certainly never be able to enjoy the song Beat it in the same way again and all in all the very thought of such things has left a funny taste in one’s mouth.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Michael Jackson - Crusty Reflects.

Well, it is the day after tomorrow – as they say – and the world has woken up to the terrible news that Michael Jackson has died at the tender age of 50, only mere hours since the tragic loss of Hollywood beauty Farrah Fawcett (who I must say seems to have been forgot since the King of Pops demise).

Crusty was first made aware something was occurring in the astral plain of stardom when one of the North East’s regional radio superstars, Phil Holmes, twatted me (if, indeed, that is the past participle of “tweet”). One’s curiosity was aroused and I turned from my beloved Question Time to Sky News. There were ticker lines whizzing by with mountains of speculation; correspondents were speaking of their reaction to this news – or rather possible news; a myriad of people who hardly knew him were being given their 5 minutes of fame, being asked the most inane questions the news anchors could think of, while the Los Angeles news helicopters circled the L.A. skies like mechanical vultures waiting to pick what they could from the bones of this story.

Meanwhile, back in Her Majesty’s realm, it was a race to see who could get the exclusive with spoon bender Uri Geller. The poor little poppet was run ragged; on every news channel Crusty turned to, “…and we can now go to Uri Geller, a friend of Michael Jackson …”.

All we got from the showbiz wizard was that the news was devastating - if it was true - but “I just can’t talk right now!”

This very same message he conveyed to viewers on each news channel he was on over the next 10 minutes. Crusty was shocked at one stage when I noticed on one’s Facebook messages that Uri Geller had dyed! …is it any wonder, one thought…all that running around from newsroom to newsroom? but then realised it was in reference to his hair colour.

Dressed in a rather eye-catching, multi-coloured top – either that or we had caught him the middle of decorating – he give a in-depth, beautifully lit interview where he spilled the beans; for someone who “just can’t talk”, the little magical poppet wouldn’t shut up, to the point where we were even offered the revelation of a hypnotising incident where rather intrusive questions were asked about inappropriate touching. It was all becoming too much and I was forced to instruct my faithful houseboy, Chu Me, to switch the Mojitos to straight gins.

The media frenzy has clearly started and despite the gorgeous Ashton Kutcher’s requests to think of his children, one suspects these will not be heeded and journalists will be armed with their powerful telephoto lenses and dirt-sifting rakes for a considerable time to come.

One thing is for sure, the worlds walk-in wardrobe of musical legends is slowly being depleted; We are fortunate to still have iconic stars such as Dame Tina Turner, Madonna, Dame Birley Shassey (if one goes in for that sort of thing), Tom *scream* Jones, Barbra I-love-to-keep-people-waiting Streisand et al, but many of the hangers are empty now and once that wardrobe is bare, we will never find pieces of the required quality to replenish it.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Michael Jackson Moonwalks Through the Pearly Gates.

1958 - 2009

BBC News 24, Sky News and Fox News have scrambled to get an exclusive, having talked at length for hours of the "possible" and "unconfirmed" death of Pop-licious Michael Jackson; "I wouldn't like to speculate until we have confirmation" (however, I will continue to fill time should it be announced and we get an exclusive)

They have searched frantically to find anyone who might have known him, talked to him or brushed against him in a shopping mall. Poor Uri Geller has had a particularly busy night, flipping from one news channel to the next and not being able to talk to any of them...until the Sky News crew turned up with cameras, make-up and lighting and then you couldn't shut him up if you tried. We even had revelations of hypnosis and unethical questions.

Well, the news has finally been confirmed that pop legend Michael Jackson has sadly passed and moon walked through the pearly gates to his heavenly stage in the sky.

He has brought us love, joy, intrigue and shock and, most of all, wonderful music and creativity throughout his long career.

He may be gone but, one suspects, he will never be forgotten by all lovers of music, whichever musical train they travel on.