Jonathan Ross - Wolls Over For A Million.

News has reached one's office, here at Crusty Hall, that the lecherous Jonathan Ross will be moving to ITV late next year with a new prime time chat show.

When asked about it by members of the media, he was enthusiastic about bringing us something 'fast and funny'

One is delighted he's making a departure from his current format. One wishes him well ...and that he gets that folicularly floppy hair cut once and for all!

What Not To Watch!

Though the world economy is falling to its knees and sobbing uncontrollably at its losses and our own British people are wondering what horrors lie in wait for them around the corner of life, Crusty was flitting through the internet and came across news that should - if only temporarily - lift the spirits of the nation and give them something to celebrate.

Mediocre makover monsters Tranny and Susannah have been given the thigh-length, pointy-toed boot from ITV; their contract has been terminated, shredded, stuck back together and shredded again (just to make sure), and incinerated.

But that is not all, my little Crustettes; they will be moving to America; clearly are condolences lie with our American friends but to quote the marvellous Martin Luther King "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

But we do not have time to be complacent and rest on our laurels; we must now turn our attentions to Colin and Justin!

Mark Warr - His light will shine for ever!

My darling Crustettes, you find Dame Crusty in a very distressed state this evening - I have been in a gin-soaked state of devastation since news filtered back.

Undercover members of my organisation have informed me, via Chu Me - they wear man-made fibres, therefore, are not permitted to enter Crusty Hall - that Tyne Tees Totty, Mark Warr, has been thrown under the axe of fate and has become a victim of the ITV cut backs!!!!

Each morning, as I prepare myself for the public duties I am obliged to endure each day, I glide between the pleasures of the Andy Williams of breakfast news - Sir Colin Briggs - and the Brad Pitt of Tyne Tees, Mark makes-y-mouth-water Warr. They are the Yin and Yang of morning television; Mark, the relaxed, casual informer on the events of the day and Colin providing the same but with a cheeky little glint in his eye and an air of mischief about him. Without one, there is simply no balance!

A member of my cleaning staff said to me, when I found out this crushing news,"Don't worry Mistress, there are plenty other presenters out there"; she tilted her head and smiled, ever so delicately.

Naturally, I slapped her across the dish with all the force I could muster and then sat her down by the dumb waiter - he stood up and went into the ballroom, clearly sensing trouble.

I placed my tumbler on the table at my side.

"Let me explain the world to you, my dear. Mr. Warr is a professional, with the striking good looks of a Jean Paul Gautier eau de toilette advertisement; to try and enlighten you on what he does for Dame Crusty...well...it's... just...so hard! Sir Colin is ...well ...imagine, if you will, a bitterly cold morning; one wakes up freezing, with your teeth (and then I looked closer)...your tooth ... chattering. The ice is covering the ground outside like an Ikea perspex coaster and the frost is clinging to the council estate's roof tops just as your uniform clings to you. Sir Colin's spot, on the half hour, transports your mistress in front of a magical fireplace, where flames lick away in front of her, wrapping her in a faux-fur blanket of luxuriousness and just makes her feel warm and snuggly and prepared for her day."

I could see she didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation and, taking my tumbler back in my hand, instructed Chu Me to take her away and find her a position more suitable outside in the grounds.

So now we have the slick, natty delivery on the BBC of Sir Colin twinkle-and-y-tingle Briggs, but have to endure the Tyne Tees update with presenters who look like they are just about to be hit by a Hummer and do not have Mark's finesse. From this point forth, my public duties will be hell; however, I will continue, as I must, with a spring in my step and a smile on my face and only reveal my true pain behind the closed doors of my boudoir.

Tyne Tees executives....may your Christmas turkeys be undercooked and may Santa never fill your stockings. You have made an enemy of Crusty and one day I will let you feel my wrath.

Sir Colin... darling Mark... may you both prosper and soon bring harmony to our screens again.