X Factor (Week 3) - Westlife and Big Band Bublé

Last Saturday night, Chu Me and the household staff made the preparations in the ballroom for the 3rd instalment of X-Factor; nibbles were placed in the bar adjoining the ballroom and the glitter ball was twisting at a satisfactory velocity.

Tonight, the lovely Louise was returning after his two week absence following the tragic and untimely death of little pop poppet, Stephen Gately. And what a miss he was.

The theme for this week was Big Band. Songs from the glittering showrooms of Las Vegas and the vocal chords of greats such as Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. The gorgisimus Michael Bublé was holding the master classes for week 3, so our hopefuls were in very safe hands.

The judges were well turned out. In particular Simon and Louise. Cheryl y’nailed-it Cole - for once - wore an outfit that looked like a dress and not the pieces of fruit and lampwear she had opted for in previous weeks; sadly, the effect was spoilt by rather scraggy hair. The hairstylist behind the scenes, clearly giving up at the very last minute, simply placed a giant glittering clamp to the side of her head.

Dannniiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking) went for a costume appropriate for Big Band night and successfully managed to look like someone born in the 1930s, though one feels the dress was surplus to requirements.

First to entertain the nation ... Oily Mares. 'Bewitched' was a wonderful song choice to start off the evening. Two witches moved in time to the music, but thankfully managed to get their breaths back before giving their comments. Oily certainly had a ball and relaxed totally throughout his performance.

Lloyd no-relation-to-Paul Daniels followed on with one of Crusty’s all time favourites; 'Fly Me To The Moon'. His soothing tones were quite wonderful and as he performed a back flip - like a well dressed Ninja – one squealed with delight and applauded his athletic prowess.

Louise wasn’t at all impress with the back flip but on a positive note, began with, “If I was doing a boy band in the morning I’d sign you up…”, (If you were ‘doing’ a boy band in the morning, dear, one suspects you’d need plenty of stamina, a party pack of condoms and a bottle of mouthwash!).

Miss Frank gave us their modernised attitude-filled version of 'That’s Life' and for the first time in the competition their voices were as harmonious as a Chav with a Burberry baseball cap. One was put off slightly when Graziella started rapping, but a few lines in and one was quite taken with the addition to the arrangement.

After having to suffer the first two weeks in the bottom two, one was concerned about Rachel Adedeji. The poor poppet had been devastated. However, one thinks a lot of her problems were down to poor song choice from her mentor, Dannniiiiii Minge (sorry, my keyboard’s sticking). One needn’t have worried; she took to the stage with her hair down and adorned in sparkling glitterati and began to trumpet out 'Proud Mary'. As Crusty reproduced the famous Tina Turner dance routine in the ballroom – kitchen staff as one’s dance troupe – one marvelled at the power of Miss Adedeji’s voice. Quite outstanding!

Jamie Aerosmith Archer followed with an outrageous U2 song!! U2?!! One would support Louise one hundred percent; it was Big Band week and a time to let rip with some of the classics of yesteryear, not to pick a song and simply stick a big band behind it.

Was it Sinatra? No: was it Vegas? No: as for swinging … what our internationally famous anti-poverty popsters get up to in their personal lives is not of one’s concern. On a positive note there was no sign of table cloths or over sized handkerchiefs hanging from his buttocks, so that was a boon.

A lively debate erupted between Louise and Simon, which ended with Simon jibing,”I don’t think you’re in a position to say anything with the two little horrors that are coming up next.” A shiver went down one’s spine and dispersed through one’s downstairs area as one thought Dannniiiiiii and Cheryl were to perform a duet, but then realised Simon was referring to the Brothers Grime.

With Dolly Dagenham, one had thought a Barbara Streisand number would be appropriate; a nice show tune. However, her mentor thought something different and we were given 'When You Wish Upon a Star'. Looking utterly gorgeous in her full length frock and advertising a figure any woman would stop eating chips for, she sang her little heart out to her son – Zach - across the televisual waves. Generally, her remarks were good, however Simon began on a negative note, “You looked better than you sounded, tonight.” (Mirror for Mr Cowell!).

Danyl Johnson (he who has a penchant for man-biscuit as well as lady-trifle) overdid his performance somewhat. One gets the impression he knows he had the X-Factor some years ago and is merely going through the motion until he gets his lapel badge and gilded certificate

Then delicious Dermott introduced the next contestant and one clapped one’s hands rapidly and squealed with excitement. Indeed, one found it quite a holy moment; as if a musical Moses had come to a sea of melodic mediocrity and moved his hands to part its waves to reveal? … One’s little Geordie poppet …Joe McElderry. Enveloped in a gorgeous double-breasted suit, he performed the classic 'Sway' superbly. His vocal vibrations rippled across one’s velvety flesh like iced water and one was forced to sit down during the audience’s ecstatic applause and grab hold of one's fan.

Lucie Jones was our penultimate act and deliciously sang 'My Funny Valentine' in a striking red dress. Her emotion, for one so young, was simply exquisite.

Then, the moment the nation had been dreading. It was the Brothers Grime; John and Edward. This week singing the Big Band (?) number 'She Bangs'. Sadly their pre-pubescent maturity, or lack thereof, did not allow them to comprehend the meaning of the song fully. However, that didn’t seem to matter as they gave a totally inexcusable performance anyway. One suspects the uberlicious Ricki Martin was selling the rights to the song as the performance stretched out. It is quite clear that these two do not even have Max Factor, let alone the X Factor!

Needless to say, the following night – on the results show – the British public voted for Bill and Ben (the annoying twin men) to go through to the following week. Corseted Miss Frank and overdone Danyl were subjected to the public vote and it was good-bye Miss Frank.

Heaven only knows what will happen next week!